The Muppets character Big Bird was found dead today in his duplex cage on New York City’s Upper East Side.
New York City police have not announced a cause of death, but according to anonymous insiders, the 43-year old television star’s demise is the subject of a murder investigation.
Sources say that police have questioned Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is on record as saying he would “cut” Big Bird. Cut being a street slang term for murder by knife.
And an unconfirmed report from the NYC Coroner’s Office says Bird died as a result of blood loss due to “numerous lacerations.” NYPD spokesman Lloyd Morrisett refused to elaborate on these reports, however.
The body of the beloved avian performer was discovered by his agent and manager, Carroll Spinney, who had gone to Bird’s home to ease his fears that he was being stalked.
“Bird had heard that there were people who wanted to ‘slash’ and ‘cut’ him and he was very concerned,” Spinney said. “He had asked my to obtain a concealed carry permit for his Mossberg 930, which fit nicely between his feathers.”
Spinney says the star’s shotgun, loaded with No. 1 birdshot, had not been fired. Soon after the discovery, Spinney reportedly said to a journalist from the N.Y. Post who was on the scene that Spinney had found an NRA sticker and a quarterly report from an unnamed Wall Street hedge fund on the floor of Bird’s cage.
Spinney later refused to comment on these reports, however. Bird’s friends point out that Big Bird was not a member of the NRA and was known to keep all his savings in a Faberge egg in his nest. “When The Electric Company show ceased production Bird stopped believing in compound interest,” Joan Ganz Cooney, a longtime Bird friend said.
Julie A. Child, a spokesperson for Mitt Romney’s campaign admitted that Gov. Romney had been questioned in the case. However, she stressed that it was purely routine police procedure and that “everyone knew Big Bird, the police probably talked to millions of people.”
She denied that yellow feathers had been found by police in Mr. Romney’s limousine or that was currently ill with bird flu. “Governor Romney is suffering from some seasonal allergies,” Child said. “He simply has a mild allergic reaction to turkey, chicken, duck, quail, et cetera which tends to crop up this time of year.”