Archive | Human Interest

Christmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence

Christmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence

Holy Smokes, VA – The first annual Christmas lights de-tangling contest held at the local BPOE lodge was interrupted late in the evening when one of the contestants, Harvey Smith, pulled a gun on fellow contestant, John Houdini, accusing him of having a special knack for untying knots, and thereby giving him an unfair advantage. Continue Reading

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Mischief Night = Domestic Terrorism

Mischief Night = Domestic Terrorism

Dog feces-smearing, egg-throwing, gate-stealing, nailing cats to people’s front doors, or setting fire to wheelie bins and disabled pensioners. That can only mean one thing – it’s Manky Mischief Night again.

While being an established and centuries-old tradition in northern England the festival of bedevilment is barely known elsewhere in the UK. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Beefeaters Accused of Rampant Sexism

Beefeaters Accused of Rampant Sexism

Two Beefeaters at the Tower of London have been suspended from duty – by the thumbs – while a third is currently undergoing a course of extraordinary rendition in the Tower’s basement dungeons in connection with allegations of harassing their female vegetarian colleague. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

School Brands Five-Year Old Racist Pig

School Brands Five-Year Old Racist Pig

Let me tell you about Oriole Jaffacake. He’s a very bright five-year old child and comes from a nice home. Oriole is extremely polite, courteous and a normal healthy boy in both mind and body – and has a friend called Semolina.

While Oriole is a British-born Indian Asian and Semolina O’Dinga a Brit’-born Central African Ugandan negro they are next door neighbours and attend the same class at the Smegmadale Elementary School for Latter Day Bigots. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer

Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer

A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship.

The teenager, Chantelle McSlag, who can’t be named for legal reasons, was apprehended last month by naval security after CCTV cameras caught her throwing the ship’s cat into the dock. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

Disabled Tortoise Saved from Rubbish Tip

Disabled Tortoise Saved from Rubbish Tip

A 30-year-old disabled tortoise (ingrown toenails and harelip), unwittingly sent to a landfill site with its owner’s rubbish, has been found alive.

Sheldrake, a greater-crested Galapagos tortoise, owned by Gladys Hawksbill of Scumbridge Gardens in Smegmashire, climbed into a bin bag in search of his favourite slug n lettuce pizza left-overs and was taken to the Smegmadale landfill site by refuse collectors on Monday morning. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Obama & His Merry Men Seek to Shake-Down Wall Street

Obama & His Merry Men Seek to Shake-Down Wall Street

The White House has leaked what costumes the Obamas will be wearing at the annual White House Halloween Ball. The President has chosen to be Robin Hood, and Mrs. President will become Maid Marian. The theme for the ball this year will be “Sherwood Be Nice to Make Everyone Happy.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Top Stories2 Comments

Study Shocker: Public Transit Customer Service Sucks

Study Shocker: Public Transit Customer Service Sucks

A London Underground tube train worker has been suspended after a carriage mounted CCTV recording of him yelling at an elderly passenger and calling him a “jumped up wrinkly old git” emerged following a string of complaints by an excess of 200 commuters.

The incident was further captured by several other passengers on their mobile phones and digital video cameras showing the 96-year old disabled pensioner, Arthur Scrunt, involved in a heated conversation with a Transport for London ‘steward’ – later identified as Jasper MacTwatte – from the Renta-Thug Security Agency. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Recycling Rules: Bin Bureaucracy

Recycling Rules: Bin Bureaucracy

UK householders could be fined millions of pounds and face up to five years in one of Her Majesty’s overcrowded ‘sodomite paradise’ prisons if they throw food scraps and potato peelings into their wheelie bins under the EU’s draconic new ‘zero waste’ policy.

Residents will be henceforth forced to sift through their rubbish for anything that can be recycled, reused, rotted, burnt for electricity, given to Oxfam, sold at a car boot or advertised on eBay. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

UK Freedom of Speech Suspended

UK Freedom of Speech Suspended

A leading UK gutter press tabloid, the Daily Shitraker, has been barred from reporting parliamentary proceedings on legal grounds which appear to call into question privileges guaranteeing free speech established under the centuries-old 1688 Bill of Rights.

Yesterday’s House of Conmans order papers contained a question to be answered by a minister later this week. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

New Rules of the Road Deride F’ers & A-Clowns

New Rules of the Road Deride F’ers & A-Clowns

Once upon a very long time ago there was “comic strip” called “There Oughta Be a Law”. The basic premise of this split panel strip was to show common annoyances in every day life and offer humorous solutions. Since I am not an illustrator, nor do I have what might be considered a “normal” sense of humor, we shall muddle on with humorless verbal illustrations of common problems encountered while driving and offer some suggestions to rectify them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest4 Comments

EU Gets “Ruff” as Pets Banned from Barkin’ Parks

EU Gets “Ruff” as Pets Banned from Barkin’ Parks

In what community critics across the UK are calling the most stupid idea to be thought up since the last stupid idea was thought up, borough councils in England and Wales have used their draconic new EU powers to ban dogs from parks, open spaces and beaches, often without owners being aware of the restrictions.

In many council-run areas dominated by their Gestapo-style Civil Enforcement Bullies (formerly Traffic Wardens) from the Renta-Thug PFI agency owners are also being made to keep dogs on leads. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People1 Comment

Kid’s Balloon Stunt Mobilizes Entire Nation

Kid’s Balloon Stunt Mobilizes Entire Nation

A six-year-old boy thought to have been carried away by a helium-filled weather balloon in Colorado was in fact hiding in the kitchen fridge – behind the remains of last Thanksgiving’s Day turkey, a Dorksborough County deputy informed Fux News.

Dorksborough Sheriff Billy Bob Moronsky later advised media reporters that apparently the youngster – Roland de Ratte – had been there the whole time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone2 Comments

Written Driving Test to Ferret Fast, Furious Drivers

Written Driving Test to Ferret Fast, Furious Drivers

The current UK Driving and Vehicle Licensing Agency’s driving test theory section is proving to be nothing more than a crooked revenue generator of Ponzi / Pyramid scheme proportions for the dodgy New Labour government.

The theory side of the test alone bills provisional license holder candidates a £30 fee each time they sit said test – with a dismal pass rate of 60% for first-timers and 63% for second time participants. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Postmen’s Union Decry Canine Attacks

Postmen’s Union Decry Canine Attacks

Police do not take pet animal attacks on postal delivery workers seriously enough, irate union leaders told press hacks during their annual Christmas piss-up at Smegmadale’s Fighting Dog and Pikey pub.

The claim comes after postman Sheldon Scrunt suffered severe injuries when he was savaged by two supposedly-tame man-eating Komodo dragons while delivering a batch of spam junk mail to a fortified end terrace on Smegmadale’s Skidrow Housing Estate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

UK Stimulus Requires Peasants to Get Booze Licences

UK Stimulus Requires Peasants to Get Booze Licences

In what may well prove to be the most stupid law to be introduced since their last stupid law caused a public outcry and political brouhaha the EU’s fascist ‘Triple Six’ Department for Total Control has decided – in their infinite wisdom – that in a time wasting bid to curb binge drinking, all boozers will have to get a licence to enjoy their favourite tipple – and could lose it if they overindulge and get right blitzed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest0 Comments

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