Archive | Crime

Sony Pulls Out Just before Big Release

Sony Pulls Out Just before Big Release

Just over a week before the climactic release of Sony Picture’s “The Interview” starring Seth Rogan and James Franco, the studio has decided to pull out.

Sony has received a serious pounding after hackers gained access to the back door of the movie studio’s network.

With releases of salaries, social security numbers, and AIM exchanges, Sony’s stock is experiencing shrinkage as hackers are expected to tear further into the private sections of Sony’s database. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime2 Comments

Before Ferguson & Choking Death Of Eric Garner There Was Clifford Glover

Before Ferguson & Choking Death Of Eric Garner There Was Clifford Glover

At dawn on April 28th in 1973 Add Armstead, a black resident of Queens, New York, and his girlfriend’s son Clifford were walking down the street on the way to his weekend work at junkyard.

Suddenly a car pulls up and a white guy opens the door. He has a gun in his hand.

Thinking he was a robber, Armstead and the boy took off running. They heard the gunman yell “You black son of a bitches!”, then gunshots. The boy cried out “I’m shot!” and fell. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops1 Comment

Yes, Virginia, It is possible to store 100% of police body cameras

Yes, Virginia, It is possible to store 100% of police body cameras

It’s a fair question, but one with a very clesOar answer. Could we really keep all body camera footage from all officers in the cloud? You bet your beaten bottom, Virginia.

So how many officers we talking?

At the state, local and federal level, there are fewer than 1.3 million full-time and full-time equivalent officers in the US. Tracking down exact data is difficult, but it seems only about 60% of them are actually interacting with the public. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops1 Comment

Scandal: Many Republicans Found To Be Hooked On Koch

Scandal: Many Republicans Found To Be Hooked On Koch

A shocking report has reached news desks throughout the country that many Republicans, especially those in great positions of responsibility, are hooked on Koch.

Koch, which first made it appearance in the 40’s, has become more virulent in recent years. It is highly addictive and those who become hooked on it quickly develop selfish, anti-social behavior.

Unlike heroin, meth or crack the user does not develop the degenerative physical attributes that readily mark the abuser as a junkie. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast residents have finally made their feelings known (as people up North undoubtedly do best) regarding a little-known sectarian atrocity from the most recent 12th of July…

When a loyalist flute band surrounded a Catholic youth club and started playing Nicki Minaj (!)

An official apology stated:

It was not actually our intention™ to play that there song, but us can appreciate that the young people might’ee thought we did. Our original intention was to play Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we wanted to make a good cross-community gesture™; I mean, everybody loves Beyoncé; that’s not a Prod or a Catholic thing, aye? Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Music, Religionism0 Comments

Local Police New Alpha Codes Fluster Criminals, Officers

Local Police New Alpha Codes Fluster Criminals, Officers

Auburn police have found a new way to keep criminals from understanding their scanner chatter for ill, but unfortunately, not one of them has yet figured out how to use it for good.

The new alpha call signs, dubbed Cool Island Breeze, has proved to be anything but cool.

The alphabet, relying heavily on words starting with sounds other than those represented by their first letters, has faced dire criticism from patrolmen in the department. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves.

“The operation was a total success!” states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers Cartel of Chihuahua.

“Those stupid gringos never did figure out what it was all about; that those kids coming across seeking asylum were just a ruse to distract them.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Skyrocketing health care costs are a major public policy issue. The Affordable Care Act has limited mechanisms to reign in these costs, but, really, we, the providers of health care products and services, must lead on this issue. We must innovate new, creative, and effective ways to eliminate excessive and unnecessary financial burdens.

When it comes to cutting costs, we at AMT/Gordian, consider ourselves trailblazers. Since our inception, we’ve focused on eliminating one major financial drain. Which one? Federal Income Tax. How did we cut it? We never paid any. Is that even legal? Shhhhh, don’t speak. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime1 Comment

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional… Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. But unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).

Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless, and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

Serial Killer Ashamed He Used The N-Word

Serial Killer Ashamed He Used The N-Word

While cutting out individual letters from various newspapers and magazines, local serial killer Simon Thompson told Iron E-News that although he used the N-word while strangling an African American, the killing was not racially motivated.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said the delusional man who has claimed nearly two dozen victims over the past three months. “I swear that my murder spree isn’t racially motivated in any way. The slur simply came out in the heat of the moment. I know that’s no excuse, but I don’t know what else to say. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society2 Comments

Brazilian Boy Steals Joke from Friend; Gets Publicly Hanged

Brazilian Boy Steals Joke from Friend; Gets Publicly Hanged

A young Brazilian boy, accused of stealing a simple joke from his classmate and friend, was found hanged in front of his home, a pile of human shit piled against one another.

The young boy’s mother was left crying her tears out, but none of it mattered, for the people were too busy stealing from one another and justifying them with “justice”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, World News0 Comments

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record

The bald-ass monkey pope from the Catholic Church in some schmancy European country commemorated the Church of Scientology this week for utterly destroying their record set since their foundation back when the bearded old man went up in the sky.

It is estimated that since the Church of Scientology is currently the popular religion, millions of little boys are at risk of getting their assholes pounded like a bunch of monkeys at the local zoo. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism1 Comment

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