Archive | Crime

Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Mystery Man Wanted for Questioning in Slaying of Model

Mystery Man Wanted for Questioning in Slaying of Model

MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin.

The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police used dental records to identify her. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil’ Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work. This time the rapper is seeking three weeks’ grace before he begins serving a year in prison, because, his attorney revealed, he needs hemorrhoid surgery. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Wounded Rapist Demands Tougher Gun Control Laws

Wounded Rapist Demands Tougher Gun Control Laws

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a local woman. Lawyers for the alleged rapist charged their client was “the real victim of this assault,” and warned that easy access to legal firearms was “[Making] committing a rape or other violent crime nearly impossible in many suburban areas.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime14 Comments

Prisoner Brutally Beats Cellmate With Prosthetic Arm

Prisoner Brutally Beats Cellmate With Prosthetic Arm

Rochester, NY – Hugh Buttnum, an inmate at the Monroe County jail in Rochester, NY, is in critical condition after a fellow inmate ripped off Buttnum’s prosthetic arm and beat him with it. Evidently, inmate J. “Johnny” Johnson was not aware that his new cell mate, Buttnum, had been fitted with a prosthetic arm when he (Johnson) threatened to “tear off Buttnum’s arm and beat him with the bloody stump.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex County Jail as a result of what he calls “a series of events that caused me to suffer permanent physical and psychological damages. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime2 Comments

Shocking Evidence Of The Real Relationship Between Sherlock Holmes And His Aide Dr. Watson.

Shocking Evidence Of The Real Relationship Between Sherlock Holmes And His Aide Dr. Watson.

The long ongoing question of just what sort of ‘relationship’ there was between Sherlock Holmes and his ‘companion’ Dr. Watson has finally been found. The odd part of it is that the answer has been right in front of our noses for a century.

Refer please to the third paragraph of ‘The Adventure Of The Speckled Band’ by Arthur Conan Doyle…oh, EXCUSE me!!!! SIR Arthur Conan Doyle- everybody has to be so high and mighty these days. (No relation to Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

City Sued For Providing Free Drugs To Residents

City Sued For Providing Free Drugs To Residents

Philadelphia, PA – Recently the Associated Press disclosed that the Environmental Protection Agency plans on collecting 1 million pills during an Earth Day initiative aimed at the people who live around the Great Lakes. They also stated that there is a presence of antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the drinking water of at least 24 major metropolitan areas. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around The World

Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around The World

Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks. Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime1 Comment

Khymer Henchman Claims Genocide ‘Hard Work’, Demands Freedom

Khymer Henchman Claims Genocide ‘Hard Work’, Demands Freedom

Former Khmer Rouge prison chief Douche Bagg today shocked the UN-funded war crimes tribunal by demanding to be released on the final day of his trial for crimes against humanity, shoplifting and double parking in a restricted zone.

The UN’s Chief Prosecutor, Mr. Fuk Yew Tu, told reporters that Douche’s demand had left him “shocked.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Stick Figure Drawing Leads Police Straight to Flat, Featureless Killer

Stick Figure Drawing Leads Police Straight to Flat, Featureless Killer

A photo-fit identity drawing scribbled down on the back of a whorehouse bar menu by Candida Putata, the sole witness to the murder of Jiggy Moronito, a taxi driver in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, has helped homicide detectives to apprehend six suspects – ‘all’ of whose facial features match the woman’s artless sketch. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much

Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much

Sir Jarvis Armitage-Shanks, the chairman of HM Scallydale Prison’s Independent Monitoring Board, told the media that illegal phones are fuelling jailbird drug trading and turning honest penitentiaries into hotbeds of crime.

Pontificating to reporters that the only way – in his unqualified opinion – to stop prisoners using cellphones to order pizza deliveries – and arranging for their outside gangs to pull off robberies, and snuff witnesses vital to prosecutions in ongoing trials, is to employ anti-terrorist technology to jam the incoming and outgoing mobile phone signals. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Terrorists Win: Bin Laden “Pleasantly Surprised” w/ NYC 9-11 Show Trial

Terrorists Win: Bin Laden “Pleasantly Surprised” w/ NYC 9-11 Show Trial

Deep in the Mountains of Pakistan: Osama Bin Laden gave a rare press interview today to BSNE and other members of the international media. Commenting on the Obama Administration’s decision to try the mastermind of the 9-11 Attacks, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, in civilian court in New York City; a near giddy Bin Laden announced, “The terrorists Win!” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime, War Zone3 Comments

Expenses Scandal MP Blames Hitler n’ Jews

Expenses Scandal MP Blames Hitler n’ Jews

In a novel reverse psychology play on Jewish pogroms and the Nazi Holohoax David Wilshire, the disgraced UK Conservative MP for Scumford-on-the-Wold, has compared the excommunicative treatment of politicians over their dodgy (fraudulent) expense claims to the plight of Jews in Nazi Germany. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Big Brother Builds Armpit Sniffer

Big Brother Builds Armpit Sniffer

A hi-technology device that can detect human fear through the medium of ‘smelling’ it is being developed by British scientists and could soon be sniffing out the body odours of anxious terrorists – or shoplifters, welfare benefit cheats, the chronically paranoid – or simply someone who has been taken short with a dose of stomach cramps after last night’s iffy curry and crapped in their pants. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime0 Comments

Biking Bonkers Boris Foils Mugging

Biking Bonkers Boris Foils Mugging

Lord Mayor of London, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, last night rescued a woman from being attacked by an armed group of drunken yobettes, chasing them down the road on his bicycle while shouting “Effin’ Oiks – I’ll have yer all horse-whipped and thrown into the Tower fer this!”

Ms. Fellattia van der Gamm, a 94-years-old Dutch tourist, was walking along Dick Turpin Street in Scumborough Hamlets on Monday evening when she was surrounded Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime4 Comments

We Made a Movie!


Check us out on Kickstarter!


Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

DHgate.com



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial