Archive | Crime

Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much

Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much

Sir Jarvis Armitage-Shanks, the chairman of HM Scallydale Prison’s Independent Monitoring Board, told the media that illegal phones are fuelling jailbird drug trading and turning honest penitentiaries into hotbeds of crime.

Pontificating to reporters that the only way – in his unqualified opinion – to stop prisoners using cellphones to order pizza deliveries – and arranging for their outside gangs to pull off robberies, and snuff witnesses vital to prosecutions in ongoing trials, is to employ anti-terrorist technology to jam the incoming and outgoing mobile phone signals. Continue Reading

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Terrorists Win! Bin Laden “Pleasantly Surprised” w/ NYC 9-11 Show Trial

Terrorists Win! Bin Laden “Pleasantly Surprised” w/ NYC 9-11 Show Trial

Deep in the Mountains of Pakistan: Osama Bin Laden gave a rare press interview today to BSNE and other members of the international media. Commenting on the Obama Administration’s decision to try the mastermind of the 9-11 Attacks, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, in civilian court in New York City; a near giddy Bin Laden announced, “The terrorists Win!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone3 Comments

Expenses Scandal MP Blames Hitler n’ Jews

Expenses Scandal MP Blames Hitler n’ Jews

In a novel reverse psychology play on Jewish pogroms and the Nazi Holohoax David Wilshire, the disgraced UK Conservative MP for Scumford-on-the-Wold, has compared the excommunicative treatment of politicians over their dodgy (fraudulent) expense claims to the plight of Jews in Nazi Germany. Continue Reading

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Big Brother Builds Armpit Sniffer

Big Brother Builds Armpit Sniffer

A hi-technology device that can detect human fear through the medium of ‘smelling’ it is being developed by British scientists and could soon be sniffing out the body odours of anxious terrorists – or shoplifters, welfare benefit cheats, the chronically paranoid – or simply someone who has been taken short with a dose of stomach cramps after last night’s iffy curry and crapped in their pants. Continue Reading

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Biking Bonkers Boris Foils Mugging

Biking Bonkers Boris Foils Mugging

Lord Mayor of London, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, last night rescued a woman from being attacked by an armed group of drunken yobettes, chasing them down the road on his bicycle while shouting “Effin’ Oiks – I’ll have yer all horse-whipped and thrown into the Tower fer this!”

Ms. Fellattia van der Gamm, a 94-years-old Dutch tourist, was walking along Dick Turpin Street in Scumborough Hamlets on Monday evening when she was surrounded Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime4 Comments

Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency

Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency

A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud.
Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement licker’ around her Scumwood Housing Estate.

The offender was further ordered to repay £24,000,000 fraudulently claimed for housing and council tax relief, and in disability benefits for her couch spud mutant husband Quasimodo – a former bell-ringer – over the past nine years. Continue Reading

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The Bank Raid that Rocked the Met’

The Bank Raid that Rocked the Met’

A horror story that has it’s Kafkaesque–Orwellian origins rooted in the date of 2nd June 2008, has now come – a year and a half later – a haunting full-circle from when more than 500 of the Met’s finest plods smashed their way into thousands of safety-deposit boxes to retrieve guns, gold, drugs and zillions of quidsworth of criminal assets – or at least that’s what their Snitchford-based ‘Think Tank’ had planned for Operation Rize Krispies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops0 Comments

Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer

Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer

A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship.

The teenager, Chantelle McSlag, who can’t be named for legal reasons, was apprehended last month by naval security after CCTV cameras caught her throwing the ship’s cat into the dock. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon

Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon

A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly going to the gym and appearing as a potential zillionaire investor on the BBC’s Dragon’s Den programme has been jailed for 18 months and ordered to repay £20 million in benefit claims.

Zacharias Scrunt, 46, of Scumford Mansions at Smegmadale-on-Sea, claimed more than £22,000,000 over a nineteen-year period. He told officials he had a bad back condition known as ‘Matressitis’ and he could hardly walk after slipping on the Jobcentre stairs. Continue Reading

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Dodgy Deviant Gets Ceo Position, As Expected

Dodgy Deviant Gets Ceo Position, As Expected

The New Labour government’s childcare watchdog Ofsted has been heavily criticised by every bugger and their dog after appointing a dodgy deviant official – once embroiled in a notorious paedophile scandal – to a senior post in the organisation.

The Office for Standards in Education, Children’s Services and Skills has named Willie McScum as its Social Care chief – a job which gives him effective control of the protection of male and female minors in care homes and nurseries across the length and breadth of the entire UK. Continue Reading

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Knackers to Knockers: Tranny Prisoner Wins Appeal

Knackers to Knockers: Tranny Prisoner Wins Appeal

The refusal to move a pre-operative transsexual prisoner from a men’s jail to a women’s prison is a violation of her human rights, according to a High Court judge. Deputy Judge Fellatia Faggorotti quashed Justice Secretary Jack Straw’s decision to keep the 27-year-old – who is now known as ‘Marion’ – in a male prison. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest, Strange People1 Comment

White House Claims Bush Torched California for Sport

White House Claims Bush Torched California for Sport

New York – In the current edition of The Nation magazine, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel charges that President Bush is personally responsible for burning California’s economy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Environment, Politics0 Comments

Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

After three knee surgeries in three months, noted steroidphile Barry “Shut the F Up” Bonds has accosted the gritty media for their obvious causal role in creating his physical injury. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

Macaulay Culkin, long the idol of Jacksonian worship, has reached new highs in his career and physiology this week with his drug arrest in, of all places, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Culkin made no comment about his star-turned-felon status which put him in the illustrious company of OJ, Zsa-Zsa and Kimberly from Diff’rent Strokes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime0 Comments

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