Categorized | Crime, Sports Scandals

Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law

Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law

In a surprise verdict in Stoughton District Court yesterday, Alessa Maslansky, 47, of Canton, Massachusetts, was found not guilty of charges relating to fitting her neighbour’s dog with a shock collar in an effort to prevent what she called ‘its incessant barking’.

“I didn’t know I was doing anything illegal,” Ms. Maslansky explained after her victory. “I thought it would be fine since shock collars are legal to use on humans.”

This, unfortunately, is true. It turns out that in 2012, under Commissioner Elin Howe, the Massachusetts Department of Developmental Services promulgated regulations prohibiting the use of the Graduated Electronic Decelerator (GED) on any new students of the Judge Rotenberg Center (JRC), but the GED is still legally allowed to be used on students admitted prior to its promulgation. Which, of course, means that hundreds of vulnerable adults and children are being legally shocked with devices that, when at their lowest setting, leave permanent scarring from second degree electrical burns on their skin. All in the name of stopping ‘undesirable’ self-regulatory behaviour such as stimming.

More happily, though, the above is about to change, according to Deval Patrick, Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts since 2007.

“Since I personally think it’s disgusting that the JRC’s use of its GED is considered legal when the use of any similar device on an animal would be considered torture, I’ve decided to push a bill criminalising possession of any remote control for the device. This should ensure that the GED is outlawed without mistakenly punishing those forced to wear the infamous backpacks.”

Is it possible that the legalised torture of some of America’s most vulnerable citizens will be coming to an end? I, for one, sure hope so.


This post was written by

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As an Autie with a very warped imagination (IOO) and an extremely wicked sense of humour (IMO), I make quite a good satirist (also IMO), especially when writing songs about fanfiction, the Internet, or Disney.


4 Responses to “Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law”

  1. Brian K. White says:

    Clearly this is satire. I mean, nobody wearing a fanny-pack* can actually change a law, right?

    * That’s what those are called in the states. Fanny isn’t a bad word over here.

  2. Sheogorath says:

    Brian, the person in the photo is actually one of the victims of the JRC. The white band around his arm is holding one of the electrodes of his GED in place, and the fanny-pack* he’s wearing holds the battery.
    *When used in American English, the word fanny refers to the rear end, correct? Making fanny-pack synonymous with bumbag. I. British English, it can be rude, but can also be short for the girl’s name, Frances.

  3. Brian K. White says:

    Well yikes. Don’t I feel like a dick. Sorry, I was just going to my first nature, which is to be funny. Sheesus. Okay. My bad.

  4. Sheogorath says:

    Oh, sorry. Sometimes humour goes over my head if it isn’t obvious.


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