Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes.

Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only for reforming the corrupt tax system to get international companies to stop avoiding payment of their full dues by squirreling their UK profits into offshore accounts. Read more Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

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TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger

In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the ‘TSA Grope’.

“It’s the only way I could have become pregnant, really,” Ms. Ackerman said, breastfeeding her two-month-old son during our interview.

“The woman obviously didn’t change her gloves between me and the last passenger she examined like she’s supposed to, or she engaged in some sexual act with one of her male colleagues while wearing them, so when she thrust her fingers into my vajayjay multiple times, she must have carried sperm into it from those gloves. I mean, I’ve never had a partner and I’m still a virgin, so I couldn’t have become pregnant any other way.” Continue reading

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An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare

Dear Atos,

My family and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the miracle you caused in my cousin, Laura Sutton.

After a most thorough assessment, during which you asked such questions as to whether she could touch various parts of her body and push a button, you gave her a score of zero points, and it is for this my whole family thanks you. Read more An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare

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Google: “People Don’t Need Bathroom Doors”

In a statement updated from 2009 and 2010, Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google Inc., has reiterated his belief that people need extremely little privacy, saying: “If you’re doing something that you don’t want anyone to see, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

If you really need that kind of privacy, the reality is that most actions can be monitored with thermal imaging technology, and minimum privacy search engines – including Google – do retain this information for some time, and it’s important, for example, that we are all subject in the United States to the Patriot Act, and it is definite that all that information should be made available to the authorities.” Continue reading

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Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware of is the fact that fluoride seems fairly harmless in comparison to the range of chemicals ingested by humans on a daily basis. Continue reading>

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Taylor Swift Diagnosed with Venereal Diseases

Today, surprising information came to light which reveals that Taylor Swift was recently treated for gonorrhea and chlamydia of her genitalia and throat by a VDC (venereal disease clinic).

Further details show that the chart-topping songstress has also received treatment for herpes, syphilis, human papilloma virus (HPV), trichomoniasis, scabies, and pubic lice (crabs). Continue reading

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“Scientists”: This Year Officially Does Not Exist

In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a.

“The issue at hand is our national triskaidekaphobia,” the President explained at an earlier press conference. “Many of our citizens are so scared of the number thirteen that there is no Room Thirteen in the majority of hotels, and buildings of sufficient height very often skip straight from the twelfth floor to the fourteenth. Continue Reading

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TPP Set to Shut Down Media Outlets

In a twist that will come as a shock to everyday users of the Internet, the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) could permanently close down the websites of newspapers across the World Wide Web.

“The problem is the very broad language of the intellectual property chapter,” explained Senator Ron Wyden, who finally received a transcript of each round of negotiations thus far last week. “It doesn’t talk about ‘copyright infringement’, but instead speaks of ‘copyright theft’. Read more TPP Set to Shut Down Media Outlets

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Man Sued for Copyright Infringement Wins Case

Last month, the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) and the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), collectively known as the Music And Film Industry Association of America (MAFIAA), filed suit against Stephen Krueger, 22 years old, for wilful infringement of over fifty titles, yet were resoundingly defeated in a unanimous decision yesterday. Read more Man Sued for Copyright Infringement Wins Case

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Bodyguard Sues Wrong Bieber Out of Shame

After learning just a day ago about a lawsuit filed against Justin Bieber by Moshe Benabou, a former bodyguard of the teen singer, this reporter felt there had to be more to the story than met the eye, and boy, was I right!

After doing some judicious investigating, I discovered that some time last October, Jeremy Bieber, who does not live with his son or the boy’s mother, had gone to the teen sensation’s dressing room in order to congratulate him after yet another successful concert, but after opening the door, found him ‘relaxing’ with the aforementioned Benabou. Read more Bodyguard Sues Wrong Bieber Out of Shame

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Disney Expected to Lobby for Term Extension

Many may not realize this fact, but because Frank Churchill died in 1942, the music of ‘Never Smile at a Crocodile’ from the feature length animated version of ‘Peter Pan’ is set to enter the Public Domain across the EEA on 01/01/2013.

As such, I fully expect the Walt Disney Company to start bribing lobbying the European Parliament as hard as it can to create an EU version of the MMPA Sonny Bono CTEA. Read more Disney Expected to Lobby for Term Extension

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How I Successfully Trolled Ali G’s Cousin

A few days ago, for some reason, I was thinking on how to get my revenge on an Autism researcher who knows nothing about his subject and completely eclipses a woman who does, when a really wicked thought came to me. Email!

Now, unless someone is a confirmed Luddite like Richard O’Brien, for example, the likelihood is that they will have an email address, and this becomes a cerainty if they work at a university as my target does. Read more How I Successfully Trolled Ali G’s Cousin

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