Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes.

Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only for reforming the corrupt tax system to get international companies to stop avoiding payment of their full dues by squirreling their UK profits into offshore accounts. Read more Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

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TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger

In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the ‘TSA Grope’.

“It’s the only way I could have become pregnant, really,” Ms. Ackerman said, breastfeeding her two-month-old son during our interview.

“The woman obviously didn’t change her gloves between me and the last passenger she examined like she’s supposed to, or she engaged in some sexual act with one of her male colleagues while wearing them, so when she thrust her fingers into my vajayjay multiple times, she must have carried sperm into it from those gloves. I mean, I’ve never had a partner and I’m still a virgin, so I couldn’t have become pregnant any other way.” Continue reading

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An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare

Dear Atos,

My family and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the miracle you caused in my cousin, Laura Sutton.

After a most thorough assessment, during which you asked such questions as to whether she could touch various parts of her body and push a button, you gave her a score of zero points, and it is for this my whole family thanks you. Read more An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare

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Google: “People Don’t Need Bathroom Doors”

In a statement updated from 2009 and 2010, Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google Inc., has reiterated his belief that people need extremely little privacy, saying: “If you’re doing something that you don’t want anyone to see, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

If you really need that kind of privacy, the reality is that most actions can be monitored with thermal imaging technology, and minimum privacy search engines – including Google – do retain this information for some time, and it’s important, for example, that we are all subject in the United States to the Patriot Act, and it is definite that all that information should be made available to the authorities.” Continue reading

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Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware of is the fact that fluoride seems fairly harmless in comparison to the range of chemicals ingested by humans on a daily basis. Continue reading>

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