Posted in Politics Society

Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes. Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only…

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Posted in Crooked Cops Travel

TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger

In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the…

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Posted in Crooked Cops Health

An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare

Dear Atos, My family and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the miracle you caused in my cousin, Laura Sutton. After a most thorough assessment, during which you asked such questions as to…

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Posted in Biz News Internets Tubes

Google: “People Don’t Need Bathroom Doors”

In a statement updated from 2009 and 2010, Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google Inc., has reiterated his belief that people need extremely little privacy, saying: “If you’re doing something that you don’t want anyone to see, maybe you shouldn’t be…

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Posted in Crime Strange People

Mysterious Explosions Rock Goodsprings

Two days ago, the people of the sleepy town of Goodsprings, who had successfully fought off a group of Powder Gangers only some days before, experienced a series of gas explosions which levelled most of the inhabited buildings. The mysterious…

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Posted in Health Science

Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Health

Taylor Swift Diagnosed with Venereal Diseases

Today, surprising information came to light which reveals that Taylor Swift was recently treated for gonorrhea and chlamydia of her genitalia and throat by a VDC (venereal disease clinic). Further details show that the chart-topping songstress has also received treatment…

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Posted in Health Human Interest

Cigarette Cards Back in Fashion in Australia

When the Australian High Court forced tobacco manufacturers to sell cigarettes in packaging without their distinctive colours and logos from December last year, the World Health Organisation (WHO) applauded this decision, saying that it was the right thing to do…

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Posted in Human Interest Strange People

“Scientists”: This Year Officially Does Not Exist

In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a. “The issue…

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Posted in Crime Sports Scandals

Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law

In a surprise verdict in Stoughton District Court yesterday, Alessa Maslansky, 47, of Canton, Massachusetts, was found not guilty of charges relating to fitting her neighbour’s dog with a shock collar in an effort to prevent what she called ‘its…

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Posted in Crime Internets Tubes

TPP Set to Shut Down Media Outlets

In a twist that will come as a shock to everyday users of the Internet, the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) could permanently close down the websites of newspapers across the World Wide Web. “The problem is the very broad language of…

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Posted in Crime Society

Man Sued for Copyright Infringement Wins Case

Last month, the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) and the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), collectively known as the Music And Film Industry Association of America (MAFIAA), filed suit against Stephen Krueger, 22 years old, for wilful infringement…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Music

Bodyguard Sues Wrong Bieber Out of Shame

After learning just a day ago about a lawsuit filed against Justin Bieber by Moshe Benabou, a former bodyguard of the teen singer, this reporter felt there had to be more to the story than met the eye, and boy,…

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Posted in Talky Pictures

Disney Expected to Lobby for Term Extension

Many may not realize this fact, but because Frank Churchill died in 1942, the music of ‘Never Smile at a Crocodile’ from the feature length animated version of ‘Peter Pan’ is set to enter the Public Domain across the EEA…

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Posted in Health

How I Successfully Trolled Ali G’s Cousin

A few days ago, for some reason, I was thinking on how to get my revenge on an Autism researcher who knows nothing about his subject and completely eclipses a woman who does, when a really wicked thought came to…

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Jail
Posted in Crime Top Stories

Conjoined Twins Arrested for Statutory Rape

Two days ago, local celebrities of Rockville, Maryland, Vicky and Lisa Hancock, both fourteen years old, were taken into police custody on charges of statutory rape and incest. The girls, whose conjoining makes them look like one person with two…

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Posted in Politics

Coalition Government Targets “Work-Shy” Slackers

In an official statement released only to the Daily Mail and the Daily Express, the Coalition government, made up of the Conservative and the Liberal Democrat parties, announced that they would be using the Work Capability Assessment (WCA) on another…

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Posted in Health Human Interest

ATOS Declares Dead Man Fit for Work

In a shocking lapse of judgement last week, an assessor from ATOS Origin placed James Wright, 62, in the ‘fit for work’ group mere moments after he had suffered a fatal stroke. “It was a nightmare,” Rosemary, Mr. Wright’s widow,…

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Posted in Talky Pictures

Disney Closes Down the Public Domain

In its latest controversial move, the Walt Disney Company has recently acquired wordmarks on the names of several fairytale characters for literary and text based works, in addition to its wordmarks on the same names for all other purposes. A…

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Posted in Health

Common Spastic Condition Receives a New Name

From today, nobody will ever again suffer from the annoying and temporary condition known as the hiccups, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO). That is because they have suddenly decided to name them after their cause rather than the…

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