Teenager Opens Fire on Wayne LaPierre, Sean Hannity

National Rifle Association CEO and gun-rights martyr Wayne LaPierre likely was not expecting to be shot at as he celebrated the day after Gun Appreciation Day by shooting off his mouth with Sean Hannity on the Fox Comedy Network.

LaPierre said he considered Gun Appreciation Day a “big victory” for unsuspecting Americans in places like North Carolina, Indiana and Ohio, who came to pro-gun rallies to celebrate their 2nd Amendment freedom, not to shoot themselves.

“Now, what we need are even more guns,” LaPierre said, marking his first public debacle in weeks. “Why stop at putting armed officers in schools? Sure, ‘a chicken in every pot’ may have sounded good a century ago, but these days, millions of Americans are clearly hungry for guns, not to mention jobs, so why shouldn’t we put an armed guard in every home, too?”

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our homes to protect our security, then call me crazy,” LaPierre told Hannity. “I think the American people would be crazy not to do it. It’s the only thing that would keep people safe.”

“There’s a media machine in this country that wants to blame guns every time something happens,” Hannity explained. “The liberal media would have you believe the 2nd Amendment says that ‘regulating militias well is necessary to the security of a free state,’ but that just isn’t true, as we both know.”

“If we could have an armed guard,” LaPierre continued, “a good guy in every American home to protect our citizens just in case some horrible monster tries to do something? Makes sense to me.”

LaPierre said that he was speaking for “many members of the NRA” who stand behind his approach.

The NRA disenfranchises its rank-and-file members by severely restricting their right to vote, so LaPierre must have meant he was speaking on behalf of the NRA’s staff and board, who not only vote, but also help determine what portion of profits from national gun sales go into LaPierre’s pocket, a figure some say equals roughly $970,000 a year.

LaPierre went on to suggest that the NRA would fight any commonsense gun control measures that might limit lagging gun sales, likely meaning no new regulations to limit the availability of deadly weapons to mentally unstable and legally insane Americans like Adam Lanza, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Holmes, and John Hinckley, Jr.

Crazy people with guns have already assassinated or attempted to assassinate nearly half of our Presidents in a country that prides itself on a “peaceful transition of power,” so they have grown bored, and now routinely open fire on schools, movie theaters, firefighters, you name it.

Unfortunately, before Hannity had a chance to grill LaPierre on these important issues, a teenage boy burst into the studio, opening fire on the pair with a potato gun.

Witnesses said LaPierre ducked behind Hannity, using the Fox comedy staple as a human shield and scanning the studio desperately for an armed guard to offer them assistance.

Hannity promptly shat in his trousers.

The youth escaped, but authorities said he left behind a receipt for a 10-pound sack of Yukon Golds as he fled the scene. The potato gun was not registered.

Recent debate about the 2nd Amendment has sparked a new round of fire as gun enthusiasts prepare for President Obama’s radical crackdown, which would likely include tyrannical legislation like that already familiar to people with automobiles: To own one, you need a title; to operate one, you need a license; and military-type assault vehicles like tanks have no place on our streets.

7 thoughts on “Teenager Opens Fire on Wayne LaPierre, Sean Hannity

  1. By all means see it. I thought everyone knew of Lord of War. It shows the big gun problem for the big problem that it is. And the story is based on a real gun runner.

  2. Lord of War? Is it an adult film? If it isn’t, then no I haven’t. Since becoming an adult I only watch adult films.

  3. Skoob – Your outbumming of me is based on two things. First of all, how dare you be so right and reasonable. I mean, yes, you are both of those things, but you’ve got some nerve issuing America a (much needed) cautionary word of advice.

    Second, how the hell did arms become such a big business? The amount of arms expenditure compared to the amount of conflict baffles understanding. We’re spending at WW2 levels, despite only handling a handful of low-level skirmishes. When did we get so damned militarized?

    And it’s not enough that the Cold War is over and Northrup Grumman won, now we’re arming our police like para-military forces, and once they got the gear, they simply have to act the part. It’s terrifying, really. And there’s no recourse when the force is unjustly applied.

    I told you, Skoob, you bummed me out.

  4. Biting and brilliant. Well spoken. There’s an old maxim which says that all empires end up imploding. It happened with the Romans, the Mongols and the British. I hope it doesn’t happen with America. Surely the way forward for you guys is to stop fighting one another over political differences and concentrate on the well being of the nation as a whole.

    The truth is that we’re all in deep doo-doo because capitalism failed. When capitalism fails, people get disaffected, people feel alienated. And when society promotes profit above all else, heads roll.

    Usually the heads of the people who helped make it all work in the first place. Taxpayers, workers, you know the ones. Us. Screaming about the second amendment and hating your neighbor because he isn’t you won’t work.

    It may be slightly naive, but as our dickhead of a Prime Minister once said: “We’re all in this together.”

    It’s time to stop deflecting the debate from petty political differences and unmitigated greed and start thinking about jobs, healthcare, and social integration. If nobody makes anything, nobody earns anything. Bleating about rights just makes things worse. Whether that’s the second amendment or whatever. It’s divisive.

    It’s also strangely telling that the most lucrative industry in the world is the arms industry.

    Wake up, coffee anyone?


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