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Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards.

The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already busy trying to name it something catchy that ends in ‘gate.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism1 Comment

The Term ‘CEO’ Now Has So Many Different Meanings

The Term ‘CEO’ Now Has So Many Different Meanings

At one time in our no-so-distant past the term ‘CEO’, meaning ‘Chief Executive Officer’, was invented to replace the perfectly good word ‘President’ as the title for the person heading up a company or corporation.

For some reason, some bureaucratic gerbils somewhere decided that acronyms were better than names for describing institutions, treaties, corporations and other entities of importance because it made them sound cooler and more authoritative. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime1 Comment

Manson Claims He Used Cell Phone to Call Satan

Manson Claims He Used Cell Phone to Call Satan

Authorities at Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, California recently found a cell phone under inmate Charles Manson’s pillow. When confronted, Manson claimed that he didn’t even know what the hell the thing was and said someone must have planted it there. “Hey, man,” I’m a child from the 60’s, man. What the hell would I know about some piece of shit from the 90’s or whatever the hell decade we’re in, man?” shouted Manson as he grabbed a gnat from the air and ate it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime8 Comments

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap

PORTLAND, Ore GlossyNews.com — Taking their cue from the genius of Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed he was in contact with terrorists overseas who’s stated goal is, “to kill followers of The Great Satan Claus.” Little did he know that his contacts were, in fact, a band of merry FBI pranksters, a hilarious and secretive comedy troupe in the Counterterrorism Division. “We like to think of them as the Funny Bureau of Investigation”, said Assistant Director James McJunkin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone2 Comments

Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

DUNCAN, OK (Glossynews)– A local satire writer has been found dead in front of his home from multiple gunshot wounds. The assault apparently took place late last night. Police aren’t releasing any information, but several alleged eyewitnesses who prefer to remain anonymous claim the man was gunned down by a masked gang of turkeys.

Likely wild. Initial reports of it being a gaggle of geese have since been disproved. While many are still skeptical about the details, evidence and shell casings gathered at the scene point towards some possibility of fowl play. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People5 Comments

Despite Strong Support, Prop 19 Fails Due to Inaction, Dude

Despite Strong Support, Prop 19 Fails Due to Inaction, Dude

LOS ANGELES, CA – GlossyNews.com – Supporters of Proposition 19, which would have legalized, taxed and regulated the sale and use of marijuana in California, promised more action in future elections after suffering a defeat on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. Some time last week for sure.

“The main issue here was voter turnout,” said Martin Cobbler, a marijuana advocacy organizer. “Our message was strong, our support was vast, but in the end not enough people came out for the cause.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics3 Comments

Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone1 Comment

After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.

Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

DOVER, Delaware (GlossyNews) – Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments.

The Justice Department responded to complaints from families of recent murder victims claiming to receive billing statements from the deceased’s mortgage companies demanding payment for “ammunition services,” “break-in and terrorizing administrative charges,” and “blood removal and dry cleaning fees,” among other charges related to “Mortgage Remediation Services.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime4 Comments

Politicos Recovering After Freak Grizzly Attacks

Politicos Recovering After Freak Grizzly Attacks

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. (GN) —Glossy News Over the past several weeks, there have been reports of a number of unknown female grizzly attacks.

These reports are from Utah, Washington, California, Delaware, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Georgia, New Hampshire, West Virginia and South Carolina. They all state that female grizzlies have attacked local politicians, mostly Republicans, in out-of-the-way shopping mall parking lots. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

Woman “Torn Between Two Lovers” Demands Body Parts Back

Woman “Torn Between Two Lovers” Demands Body Parts Back

A North Dakota woman who was “torn between two lovers” said that she would appreciate the return of her body parts. Tonya Olive said from her hospital bed that she could do a lot more to please each man sexually if they each returned the arm, leg, and ear, and breast that they ripped from her body during a fight.

Juan Ortega and Marshall Henson could not be reached for comment, and blood spatter was noticed in the bed of each man’s truck. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Health2 Comments

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