Archive | Crime

Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency

Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency

A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud.
Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement licker’ around her Scumwood Housing Estate.

The offender was further ordered to repay £24,000,000 fraudulently claimed for housing and council tax relief, and in disability benefits for her couch spud mutant husband Quasimodo – a former bell-ringer – over the past nine years. Continue Reading

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The Bank Raid that Rocked the Met’

The Bank Raid that Rocked the Met’

A horror story that has it’s Kafkaesque–Orwellian origins rooted in the date of 2nd June 2008, has now come – a year and a half later – a haunting full-circle from when more than 500 of the Met’s finest plods smashed their way into thousands of safety-deposit boxes to retrieve guns, gold, drugs and zillions of quidsworth of criminal assets – or at least that’s what their Snitchford-based ‘Think Tank’ had planned for Operation Rize Krispies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops0 Comments

Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer

Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer

A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship.

The teenager, Chantelle McSlag, who can’t be named for legal reasons, was apprehended last month by naval security after CCTV cameras caught her throwing the ship’s cat into the dock. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon

Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon

A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly going to the gym and appearing as a potential zillionaire investor on the BBC’s Dragon’s Den programme has been jailed for 18 months and ordered to repay £20 million in benefit claims.

Zacharias Scrunt, 46, of Scumford Mansions at Smegmadale-on-Sea, claimed more than £22,000,000 over a nineteen-year period. He told officials he had a bad back condition known as ‘Matressitis’ and he could hardly walk after slipping on the Jobcentre stairs. Continue Reading

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Dodgy Deviant Gets Ceo Position, As Expected

Dodgy Deviant Gets Ceo Position, As Expected

The New Labour government’s childcare watchdog Ofsted has been heavily criticised by every bugger and their dog after appointing a dodgy deviant official – once embroiled in a notorious paedophile scandal – to a senior post in the organisation.

The Office for Standards in Education, Children’s Services and Skills has named Willie McScum as its Social Care chief – a job which gives him effective control of the protection of male and female minors in care homes and nurseries across the length and breadth of the entire UK. Continue Reading

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Knackers to Knockers: Tranny Prisoner Wins Appeal

Knackers to Knockers: Tranny Prisoner Wins Appeal

The refusal to move a pre-operative transsexual prisoner from a men’s jail to a women’s prison is a violation of her human rights, according to a High Court judge. Deputy Judge Fellatia Faggorotti quashed Justice Secretary Jack Straw’s decision to keep the 27-year-old – who is now known as ‘Marion’ – in a male prison. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest, Strange People1 Comment

White House Claims Bush Torched California for Sport

White House Claims Bush Torched California for Sport

New York – In the current edition of The Nation magazine, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel charges that President Bush is personally responsible for burning California’s economy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Environment, Politics0 Comments

Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

After three knee surgeries in three months, noted steroidphile Barry “Shut the F Up” Bonds has accosted the gritty media for their obvious causal role in creating his physical injury. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

Macaulay Culkin, long the idol of Jacksonian worship, has reached new highs in his career and physiology this week with his drug arrest in, of all places, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Culkin made no comment about his star-turned-felon status which put him in the illustrious company of OJ, Zsa-Zsa and Kimberly from Diff’rent Strokes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime0 Comments

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