Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

DENVER, Colorado (GlossyNews) — Insect research at Denver University has determined that a common saying is incorrect and that there is no such thing as being “as snug as a bug in a rug.” The phrase, which is generally taken to mean tucked in tight and toasty warm is not true, according to Dr. Sam Whitemeal.

“First, one must look at the average rug. A rug is a smaller piece, generally not covering a full room like a carpet. A rug is also usually not shag, so is not thick and full; it is often flat with a pattern. Rugs are also located on a floor and, unlike carpet, do not have installed padding underneath.” Read more Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

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Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

A recent study has concluded that male Cape ground squirrels have a reason for being one of the most prolific wanking species on the planet. They are ensuring the healthiness of their privates.

One has to wonder if these study results had been around during the time the United States was purposefully infecting poor unwitting Guatemalans with STD’s in the 1940’s, if there ever would have been such a horrendous truth coming to light today.

What the Cape ground squirrel study was all about Read more Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

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Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

Seedy Falls, CO – Pam Anderson, noted for being an environmentalist and animal rights activist, as well as a past Baywatch bimbo, recently purchased several hundred acres of pristine land, near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Anderson hopes to use the tract as a wildlife refuge for abandoned bears, pigs, and cats and as a private retreat for the filming of another sleazy sex tape before her Botox wears off and her plastic hardens. Read more Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

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Noted Anthropologist – Early Man “Flintstone” was Homosexual

Sure, you remember him. Yes, that adorable Fred Flintstone wearing his cave man outfit of an animal skin over one shoulder and hanging around with best friend Barney Rubble.

The Flintstones were the modern age vision of a Stone Age family. Residing in the fictitious town of Bedrock, Fred Flintstone worked an unsatisfying quarry job on top of a dinosaur steam-shovel, for a bad-guy boss who squandered his labor to enhance his luxury cave on Knob Hill. But each evening Fred returned home to his lovely wife Wilma and eventually daughter Pebbles. Read more Noted Anthropologist – Early Man “Flintstone” was Homosexual

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‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Read more ‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

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9-yr-old Klepto Arrested Again; Mom Blames Nintendo Wii

DES MOINES, Iowa – In a rather strange and disturbing case, a nine-year old boy was arrested on June 28, 2010 for stealing cigarettes from a local Wal-Mart. Although the boy is only nine years of age, he has had an extensive history of stealing beginning at the age of three.

This latest arrest is the fifty-fourth time that Stephen Hulk or “Stealin Stevie,” as his friends and family members refer to him, has been caught shoplifting in the past six years. Read more 9-yr-old Klepto Arrested Again; Mom Blames Nintendo Wii

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Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — In the close-knit evangelical archeological community, few can recall more dizzying heights and tragic lows in such a short time span. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of the large Biblical ship on Mt. Ararat. Further excavations yielded the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and the body of slain Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa. Read more Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

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Telescope Reveals Remains of Alice Kramden on Lunar Surface

Houston, TX – GlossyNews.com – Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, about the discovery of human remains dressed in what appears to be a yellow house dress. The remains were spotted laying in the open on the surface of the Earth’s moon. The desiccated figure was discovered by the Hubble space telescope last March during a routine scan of the lunar surface.

First reports claimed the body was that of a middle-aged female. A routine inquiry with the Russian Federation’s space program chairman showed that their space program had all cosmonauts accounted for and the body wasn’t any of theirs. Read more Telescope Reveals Remains of Alice Kramden on Lunar Surface

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Scientists Awarded Large US Grant to Make World 3-D

Faced with rising public clamor for more 3-D products, US researchers at federal facilities have pressed hard to deliver the world in full, three dimensional viewing. Invigorated by a recent grant of over $100 billion dollars, head scientists feel they can soon fulfill the Obama administration’s promise for “a change you can believe in.” Read more Scientists Awarded Large US Grant to Make World 3-D

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TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

Boston, MA – GlossyNews – The TSA announced a new weapon in the fight against terrorism. All agents will be issued a set of X-ray vision glasses as part of an overall upgrade and proceeds from a grant from DC Comics.

The glasses, once thought to be an inferior item found in the classifieds of comic books and magazines, attracted the attention of Homeland Security purchasing agents who are always on the lookout for new items and other stupid ways to waste taxpayers money. Read more TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

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Scientists Find Dolphins Could Once Dance a Jig

New Zealand scientists have proven that it is another mammal other than man that is the smartest creature on earth. Recent evidence has convinced them that the dolphin uses the most brain cells and not his distant relative the homo sapien.

The Kiwi brainiacs had found that dolphins have an extra set of bones near their midsection that might have at one time been legs for moving about on land (this is true). Read more Scientists Find Dolphins Could Once Dance a Jig

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‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

EPA officials issued a temporary restraining order against the cast and crew of the popular MTV show ‘Jersey Shore.’ The restraining order cited the discovery of a 14 mile greasy oil slick that spread northward from Seaside Heights up to Sandy Hook caused by the cast taking a dip in the surf last weekend. Read more ‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

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Chevy Recalls 150,000 vehicles for Nocturnal Emissions Problem

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – A worldwide recall for Corvette and Hummer vehicles has been officially announced, ending weeks of speculation by industry insiders and automotive experts. The recall addresses certain models that have been plagued, as Chairman Delany Forbes put it, ‘with levels of emissions that don’t meet federal standards, specifically nocturnal.’ The recall was announced by senior company executives and released to the automobile industry press today. Read more Chevy Recalls 150,000 vehicles for Nocturnal Emissions Problem

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Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Stinger’s End, NJ – GlossyNews.comFederal authorities have netted over 300 bee keepers in a carefully crafted sting operation that was hatched nationwide in the past three-weeks. Yellow jacketed agents swarmed in and arrested several key people late last night in an operation that was honeycombed with illicit price fixing, illegal honey imports, and reports of product contamination. Local detention centers were a hive of activity as suspects were brought in for questioning, and we promise no more weak-kneed bee puns after this point*. Read more Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

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Paleontologists Find Mastodon Remains in Congressmen Waxman’s Paleolithic Nostrils

Washington, DC- Glossy News(House of Representatives-Capitol Hill) Congressmen Henry Waxman (D-CA) never guessed he would be in the news for something un-related to politics, but stranger things have happened to people as strange looking as the Democratic Representative from California’s 30th District. Read more Paleontologists Find Mastodon Remains in Congressmen Waxman’s Paleolithic Nostrils

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IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising.

In the survey, administered as Tawdry Soup walked down the line that snaked around the block from the local Apple electronics store, a field IQ test asked some basic questions such as, “Does Christmas and New Year’s Day ever fall in the same year and Who is the President of the United States?” Read more IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

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Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

JAKARTA Indonesia (GlossyNews) — At the insistence of Muslim holy leaders in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, an incredibly accurate new GPS tracking system will be installed to thwart anti-Islamic hackers who have recently been caught attempting to alter GPS signals to divert prayers meant to be recited directly towards Mecca. Read more Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

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New Leak Linked to BP

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Read more New Leak Linked to BP

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