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God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92

God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92

MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Technology2 Comments

Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

DENVER, Colorado (GlossyNews) — Insect research at Denver University has determined that a common saying is incorrect and that there is no such thing as being “as snug as a bug in a rug.” The phrase, which is generally taken to mean tucked in tight and toasty warm is not true, according to Dr. Sam Whitemeal.

“First, one must look at the average rug. A rug is a smaller piece, generally not covering a full room like a carpet. A rug is also usually not shag, so is not thick and full; it is often flat with a pattern. Rugs are also located on a floor and, unlike carpet, do not have installed padding underneath.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy2 Comments

Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

A recent study has concluded that male Cape ground squirrels have a reason for being one of the most prolific wanking species on the planet. They are ensuring the healthiness of their privates.

One has to wonder if these study results had been around during the time the United States was purposefully infecting poor unwitting Guatemalans with STD’s in the 1940’s, if there ever would have been such a horrendous truth coming to light today.

What the Cape ground squirrel study was all about Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science1 Comment

Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

Seedy Falls, CO – Pam Anderson, noted for being an environmentalist and animal rights activist, as well as a past Baywatch bimbo, recently purchased several hundred acres of pristine land, near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Anderson hopes to use the tract as a wildlife refuge for abandoned bears, pigs, and cats and as a private retreat for the filming of another sleazy sex tape before her Botox wears off and her plastic hardens. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Television2 Comments

Noted Anthropologist – Early Man “Flintstone” was Homosexual

Noted Anthropologist – Early Man “Flintstone” was Homosexual

Sure, you remember him. Yes, that adorable Fred Flintstone wearing his cave man outfit of an animal skin over one shoulder and hanging around with best friend Barney Rubble.

The Flintstones were the modern age vision of a Stone Age family. Residing in the fictitious town of Bedrock, Fred Flintstone worked an unsatisfying quarry job on top of a dinosaur steam-shovel, for a bad-guy boss who squandered his labor to enhance his luxury cave on Knob Hill. But each evening Fred returned home to his lovely wife Wilma and eventually daughter Pebbles. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Television3 Comments

‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest4 Comments

9-yr-old Klepto Arrested Again; Mom Blames Nintendo Wii

9-yr-old Klepto Arrested Again; Mom Blames Nintendo Wii

DES MOINES, Iowa – In a rather strange and disturbing case, a nine-year old boy was arrested on June 28, 2010 for stealing cigarettes from a local Wal-Mart. Although the boy is only nine years of age, he has had an extensive history of stealing beginning at the age of three.

This latest arrest is the fifty-fourth time that Stephen Hulk or “Stealin Stevie,” as his friends and family members refer to him, has been caught shoplifting in the past six years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Technology0 Comments

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — In the close-knit evangelical archeological community, few can recall more dizzying heights and tragic lows in such a short time span. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of the large Biblical ship on Mt. Ararat. Further excavations yielded the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and the body of slain Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Telescope Reveals Remains of Alice Kramden on Lunar Surface

Telescope Reveals Remains of Alice Kramden on Lunar Surface

Houston, TX – GlossyNews.com – Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, about the discovery of human remains dressed in what appears to be a yellow house dress. The remains were spotted laying in the open on the surface of the Earth’s moon. The desiccated figure was discovered by the Hubble space telescope last March during a routine scan of the lunar surface.

First reports claimed the body was that of a middle-aged female. A routine inquiry with the Russian Federation’s space program chairman showed that their space program had all cosmonauts accounted for and the body wasn’t any of theirs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Science, Television1 Comment

Scientists Awarded Large US Grant to Make World 3-D

Scientists Awarded Large US Grant to Make World 3-D

Faced with rising public clamor for more 3-D products, US researchers at federal facilities have pressed hard to deliver the world in full, three dimensional viewing. Invigorated by a recent grant of over $100 billion dollars, head scientists feel they can soon fulfill the Obama administration’s promise for “a change you can believe in.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Talky Pictures0 Comments

TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

Boston, MA – GlossyNews – The TSA announced a new weapon in the fight against terrorism. All agents will be issued a set of X-ray vision glasses as part of an overall upgrade and proceeds from a grant from DC Comics.

The glasses, once thought to be an inferior item found in the classifieds of comic books and magazines, attracted the attention of Homeland Security purchasing agents who are always on the lookout for new items and other stupid ways to waste taxpayers money. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, War Zone0 Comments

Scientists Find Dolphins Could Once Dance a Jig

Scientists Find Dolphins Could Once Dance a Jig

New Zealand scientists have proven that it is another mammal other than man that is the smartest creature on earth. Recent evidence has convinced them that the dolphin uses the most brain cells and not his distant relative the homo sapien.

The Kiwi brainiacs had found that dolphins have an extra set of bones near their midsection that might have at one time been legs for moving about on land (this is true). Continue Reading

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Posted in Science0 Comments

‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

EPA officials issued a temporary restraining order against the cast and crew of the popular MTV show ‘Jersey Shore.’ The restraining order cited the discovery of a 14 mile greasy oil slick that spread northward from Seaside Heights up to Sandy Hook caused by the cast taking a dip in the surf last weekend. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Television0 Comments

Chevy Recalls 150,000 vehicles for Nocturnal Emissions Problem

Chevy Recalls 150,000 vehicles for Nocturnal Emissions Problem

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – A worldwide recall for Corvette and Hummer vehicles has been officially announced, ending weeks of speculation by industry insiders and automotive experts. The recall addresses certain models that have been plagued, as Chairman Delany Forbes put it, ‘with levels of emissions that don’t meet federal standards, specifically nocturnal.’ The recall was announced by senior company executives and released to the automobile industry press today. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology0 Comments

Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Stinger’s End, NJ – GlossyNews.comFederal authorities have netted over 300 bee keepers in a carefully crafted sting operation that was hatched nationwide in the past three-weeks. Yellow jacketed agents swarmed in and arrested several key people late last night in an operation that was honeycombed with illicit price fixing, illegal honey imports, and reports of product contamination. Local detention centers were a hive of activity as suspects were brought in for questioning, and we promise no more weak-kneed bee puns after this point*. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Health0 Comments

Paleontologists Find Mastodon Remains in Congressmen Waxman’s Paleolithic Nostrils

Paleontologists Find Mastodon Remains in Congressmen Waxman’s Paleolithic Nostrils

Washington, DC- Glossy News(House of Representatives-Capitol Hill) Congressmen Henry Waxman (D-CA) never guessed he would be in the news for something un-related to politics, but stranger things have happened to people as strange looking as the Democratic Representative from California’s 30th District. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Science1 Comment

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