Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Komodo Dragon Genome Escapes from Computer Lab

Komodo Dragon Genome Escapes from Computer Lab

Austin, Tex. — An entire Komodo Dragon genome has reportedly got loose from a MySQL database at Infinite Loop Biological Research Co. in Austin, Tex. and is already starting to breed and reproduce itself in computers and computer networks worldwide.

The nightmare of a giant lizard taking up residence inside your computer is fast becoming a reality, say alarmed computer experts. “Forget about worms and viruses,” says Stanley Kubinowski of computer security firm, SKSF Inc. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science3 Comments

New Species of Lunatic Discovered

New Species of Lunatic Discovered

Psycho-zoology has long been considered a low-glamour science. While botanists and biologists regularly grab headlines with new discoveries, psycho-zoologists labor in obscurity.

Experts have always believed there aren’t any new ‘burnt cookie’ species to be identified, due to the thorough research of Sigmund Freud. That long cherished paradigm has now been overturned. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science1 Comment

Poodles Dropping Like Flies in France

Poodles Dropping Like Flies in France

First it was fishes, then it was birds, now it’s poodles. Thousands of standard poodles are dropping like flies in France. While miniature, tea cup, toy and other varieties of poodles seem to be thriving in France and other parts of the world, the standard or authentic “French” poodle seems to be a dying breed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science0 Comments

Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

A new computer application available to baby boomers, who are now reaching retirement age at the rate of 10,000 a day, allows optimistic boomers to plan for an affluent retirement at the ripe old age of 170.

The program allows the user to type in variables such as amount of current savings, expected expenses such as healthcare and amount of desired disposable income. After the user hits the “calculate” button, they can see what age they will have enough money to keep from starving to death in a rundown shack. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Human Interest2 Comments

Wikileaks Insider Leak: Assange is Developing Nuclear Capabilities

Wikileaks Insider Leak: Assange is Developing Nuclear Capabilities

United States intelligence sources are claiming that Wilileaks Founder, Julian Assange’s recent release of highly sensitive cables is just the tip of the iceberg of what Assange is truly capable of. They paint the picture of a man who considers himself to be one of the most important figures in shaping the way the countries of the world relate to each other. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Technology1 Comment

Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research

Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research

Scientists researching the phenomena of Politically Incorrect Mass Propaganda Syndrome (PIMPS) announced a breakthrough into the biggest question of 2010: “What makes Sarah Palin perpetually politically relevant?”

After statistically modeling data from thousands of successful people, researchers contend that the three most predictive variables in determining the unprecedented success of Sarah Palin (as well as other highly successful people) are: a disproportionate sense of worth, significant over-exposure and well developed posterior speech lobes which exponentially increases incidents of “talking out of their ass”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Science6 Comments

So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

It began with video from a California news helicopter. A rapidly ascending object is seen leaving a con trail against the backdrop of a beautiful sunset, several miles offshore. Rampant speculation followed, amid Pentagon denials of any ‘Area 51’ type activity.

It now appears the Pentagon was telling the truth this time, and today dawns an uncertain new era in human history. Extraterrestrial life has been found; just not in the place we were looking. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, War Zone0 Comments

India Plans Space Station Call Ctr., How May It Help You?

India Plans Space Station Call Ctr., How May It Help You?

BANGALORE, INDIA (Glossy News) — India plans to launch its first manned space mission in 2016, moving to become the fourth nation to put a man in space (fifth if you count Russia and the USSR separately, which many cold warriors do) — but it comes with a peculiar pro-business twist.

The estimated cost for the single mission is currently at a reasonable $2.76 billion – or about $2.43 per Indian citizen (most of whom earn less than a dollar a year), given 2010 population statistics. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology11 Comments

WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas

WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas

Benton, AR – (Glossy News) WalMart retailers across the US are all set to stock The Nobel Peace Prize on their store shelves in time for the Christmas buying season. Officials claim there will be plenty to go around and the actual medal will be cast in affordable gold painted pewter instead of the more expensive gold.

“The medal will look just like the one President Obama received except this one will sing a song when you clap your hands,” claims Edgar Walton, VP of Chinese made junk. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

DIY Assault Rifle Goes on Sale, Despite ACLU Support

DIY Assault Rifle Goes on Sale, Despite ACLU Support

BMB Industries has introduced the new Black Momba Assault Rifle Kit claiming, ‘it can be assembled right in the peace and comfort of your own home using simple, everyday tools.’

The Black Momba kit, model M-160-B assault rifle, will be released for sale via online retailers tomorrow and will fill the needs of descriminating first-time gun owners in time for Christmas. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening

In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.

The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Travel2 Comments

Cheney, Inspired By “Iron Man”, Reinvents As Superhero (or Villian, Depending)

Cheney, Inspired By “Iron Man”, Reinvents As Superhero (or Villian, Depending)

Inspired by the success and the popularity of Marvel Comics ‘Iron Man’ movie series, Dick Cheney has decided to use the millions he gathered during his tenure as the head of Halliburton and as the shadow head of the United States of America to reinvent himself as a new superhero- Oil Man.

Tired of being seen as just another greedy bastard who could do whatever he wanted he now wanted to be another greedy bastard with super powers who could do whatever he wanted. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Talky Pictures1 Comment

New Planet Discovered; Patriotic Americans Worry about Jobs

New Planet Discovered; Patriotic Americans Worry about Jobs

Scientists are still excited over the discovery of a habitable planet orbiting the nearby red dwarf star, Gliese 581. However, the discovery has many Americans wondering what the government plans to do in the event of an alien invasion.

“We got unemployment at ten percent and government spending is out of control,” said Edward Cracker, a tea party activist from Illinois. “How can we financially support a bunch of anal probing aliens?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science2 Comments

Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – Ex-Vice President, internet wizard, and noted global climate expert, Al Gore, has unveiled a unique total-green automobile offering that could change the way Americans drive.

In collaboration with Tata Motors of India, Gore has invented a revolutionary vehicle that runs entirely on body odor and emits only a fraction of polluting hydrocarbons. Gore has named the first model after himself, who, according to at least one licensed massage practitioner, has an untapped “wealth of body odor.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology2 Comments

Music-Composing Super Computer Deemed a Failure

Music-Composing Super Computer Deemed a Failure

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – A scientist at a local university has declared his greatest achievement, a computer capable of composing original music, a complete failure. Dr. William T. Corn had been working for over fifteen years on the Artificial Music Operation Project, also called “A-MOP,” before vowing to destroy his creation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Gadgets & Gizmos1 Comment

Center of Known Universe Found During Routine Colonoscopy

Center of Known Universe Found During Routine Colonoscopy

University researchers have made a startling discovery after a routine colonoscopy of a 50 year old native American man revealed a phenomenon. The discovery is known in layman’s terms as….The Center of the Known Universe!

The true Theta Victa Gamma Globo, or Universe Center, has eluded researchers and scholars for over 500 years and was almost considered a fable. Now, with this recent discovery, researchers feel that true multi-dimensional time travel could be a reality in just a few short years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy6 Comments

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