Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

First off I want to thank Motorola for sending me this phone. I know they are having a hard time keeping these in stock due to popular demand.

To start with, I plugged the DynaTac into my clothes dryer outlet because unfortunately it doesn’t use a standard outlet. This was slightly inconvenient but it’s a small price to pay for the abilities of this phone. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos1 Comment

Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

Cupertino, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s plan for restoring the U.S. economy will lead to a new era of high employment and prosperity for the nation, according to Apple’s new iOS 6 based Maps app.

By entering Mr. Romney’s plans for lowering taxes on the wealthy and eliminating government regulation into their Maps app, users of the new iPhone 5 are able to view America’s future rosy position at the top of the world’s economies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Politics3 Comments

Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface

Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface

Houston, TX – (SatireWorld.com)

NASA Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, which addresses the recent Hubble telescope discovery of human remains spotted on the surface of the Earth’s moon.

The desiccated figure, reportedly dressed in what appears to be a cotton house dress, was discovered last March by the powerful Hubble space telescope during a routine scan of the lunar surface. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science1 Comment

Greece Patents The Wheel

Greece Patents The Wheel

After Apple successfully suing Samsung for sharing the patented rectangle shape, the country of Greece has sought to ease their ongoing financial crisis by patenting the wheel.

The country could only manage to gain a patent over the everyday object in America were the US patent office stretches the very definition of the guidelines for a ‘novel and non-obvious idea’.

A spokesperson for the US patent office said that, in the case of Apple, the curving edges of the rectangular phone were so unique that they had to give Apple the patent. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology2 Comments

iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships

iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships

SAN FRANCISCO- In a groundbreaking statement issued to press, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the new iPhone will “replace all of your loved ones and cherished relationships.”

The phone and features were announced earlier this week, already prompting some to begin distancing themselves with their loved ones in preparation for the release of the phone later on in September. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos3 Comments

The iPhone 6

The iPhone 6

Consumer research has found that people are already anticipating the arrival of the iPhone 6.

It would seem that customers cannot wait to buy the iPhone 6 and have been putting off their upgrade to the iPhone 5, which was launched last week.

The Internet is already abuzz with rumours about what the iPhone 6 will be able to do. Some bloggers are speculating about the availability of 10G, which will build heavily on 4G, once it is invented. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology2 Comments

Israel Protects Palestinian Land from Use

Israel Protects Palestinian Land from Use

Uri Gnorant of the Israeli Bureau of Land Redemption was eager to see me. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “You reporters talk about how little we do for Palestinians. This is a chance to set the record straight. When it comes to environmental protection and conservation, no one could possibly do more than we do.

“Take water, for example. We have reduced Palestinian water consumption to less than a third of what it was in 1967. No place else in the world can boast such an accomplishment. Even we Israelis cannot match it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Global Warming is a Scientific Fact… Like We Care

Global Warming is a Scientific Fact… Like We Care

It is now an established scientific fact that global warming is taking place around the world. You can see it everywhere. Glacier National Park is melting. Huge slabs of ice in the Polar Regions are dropping into the sea like so many gigantic ice cubes into some cosmic scotch and soda.

The ocean is steadily rising. Pretty soon if you live in Florida you’ll need an inflatable raft to get to your kitchen for a snack. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Opinion/Editorial4 Comments

New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation

New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation

HIS1995 – Life Before the Internet

This history course covers the dark period of mankind’s existence during the late 20th century, prior to the development of the World Wide Web. Students will learn about the primitive techniques utilized by early man for his daily survival and entertainment – including such legendary “lost arts” as standing, walking, communicating face-to-face with others, reading paper-based media, writing by hand, and watching video programming only at times and intervals dictated by broadcast television authorities.

Prerequisite: HIS1979 – Life Before Cell Phones

LIT1284 – English Literature Twitter Feed

This course introduces students to the some of the greatest works of English literature through a series of easily digestible tweets of 140 characters or less. Texts are enriched with emoticons to ease comprehension: “It was the best of times 🙂 It was the worst of times :-(“. The use of numerals, letters, symbols and abbreviations in place of words helps speed the reader along: “2B/2B? TITQ”.

Prerequisite: LIT241 – Famous Dramatic Soliloquies as Facebook Status Updates

GEO2012 – The World According to GPS

This course replaces all of our former geography courses, now that the ability to read a map is no longer a required skill in contemporary civilization. Students will practice a range of basic GPS-based driving skills – such as the ability to clearly say the name of their destination while having a mouthful of food, understanding the difference between “turn right” and “turn left”, and how to avoid panic when the GPS system says “recalculating”.

Prerequisite: GEO2011 – A World Outside of Your Home: Reality or Myth?

MAT1234 – Those Number Buttons on the Right Side of Your Keyboard

What would you do if your voice-activated accounting software failed? This course introduces students to the mysterious numerical keypad located on their computer keyboard and shows how it can actually be used to do basic mathematical calculations – such as addition, subtraction, multiplication and…well, we don’t want to give the whole course away now, do we?

Prerequisite: MAT123 – Counting on Your Fingers and Toes

COM1221 – Rewriting Wikipedia Entries

This composition course guides students through the process of rewriting information found on Wikipedia to seem like an original text based on the student’s own research.

Take the following Wikipedia entry, for example: “William I, usually known as William the Conqueror and sometimes as William the Bastard, was the first Norman King of England, reigning from 1066 until his death in 1087.”

This could easily be rewritten as follows: “William I was king of England from 1066 to 1087. The reason he decided to stop being king was that he died. Most people called him William the Conqueror because that was a really cool nickname. Some people called him William the Bastard, but probably not to his face. What ‘s weird is that his real name was Norman.”

CKG1000 – 1,000 Instant Noodle Recipes

This cooking workshop prepares students for surviving their college years through the preparation of a vast array of Ramen noodle-based meals. Practical tips include using dorm room leftovers – pizza crusts, nacho crumbs, Subway shredded lettuce – to give added flavor and bulk to noodle concoctions.

Prerequisite: CKG212 – Fundamentals of Boiling Water

SOC500 – Making the Most of Your 500th Job Interview

This social studies practicum helps prepare students for making their 500th job interview the one that finally gets them the job they’ve been desperately seeking for the past 20+ years since their graduation from college. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Science & Technologizzy1 Comment

Apple Announces New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn

Apple Announces New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn

Cupertino, CA – Apple Inc. today announced the next generation of their rainbow-crapping unicorn, the “Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 5.”

The name surprised the entire unicorn-blogging world after wide speculation that the latest Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn would be called the Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 6 or the New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn HD Super Plus.

As expected, Apple’s stock price benefited from the announcement and rose so fast that every single recession the nation has ever seen was deleted from the history books. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos2 Comments

The War Against the Environment Has Yet to be Won

The War Against the Environment Has Yet to be Won

“We have to destroy the environment as quickly as we can.”

These are the findings of the Movement for Environmental Sabotage and Subversion (MESS).

The position of MESS is that the attempt to preserve and protect the environment and to lessen the environmental impact of human activity is irresponsible.

RIGHT: Photo courtesy of Jonathon Blakeley. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment1 Comment

NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.

NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”

Apparently he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. With the heavy suit and space helmet no one would be able to distinguish him from the other astronauts.

Had Armstong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them. It appears that he exited the craft after Armstong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.

It was imagined that he died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho….” in the moon dirt before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants,” but misspelled it as his oxygen ran low.

Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is as it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked about why he was left behind, astronaut Aldrin, now in his 80’s said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon?'” Astronaut Armstong, then aged 80, said nothing, but had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.

Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” then the sounds of a heavy-breathed fight that was apparently edited out of the film.

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Posted in Science3 Comments

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