Angry Customer returns I-Phone

CORNUCOPIA, California (GlossyNews) — Tech stocks are expected to open sharply lower tomorrow in reaction to the disturbing news from England. While it initially seemed Apple’s latest version of the I-phone was another unqualified triumph, hopes are now quickly fading.

Market watchers are taking a bearish ‘too soon to say’ attitude on Apple stock. Said Gordon Gecko of investment bank Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, “This could be Steve Jobs’ Katrina, no kidding.” Read more Angry Customer returns I-Phone


Next iPad Prototype Found in Parking Lot

Cupertino, Ca (GlossyNews) — In what seemed to be a case of apparent carelessness on the part of an alleged Apple employee a next generation iPad was reported lost — eventually found — in a parking lot.

A leading technology Weblog about consumer electronics reportedly bought the next iPad from a piss drunk seventeen year old high school kid sobering up before he could drive himself home. Read more Next iPad Prototype Found in Parking Lot


Is the iPad Right-Sizing Technology (Again)?

Utah, Behind the Zion Curtain (GlossyNews) — The iPad sucks. Whew, there, I said it, let the games begin. The iPad – single tasking handheld tablet computer that has the ability to enter local area networks and the internet, along with the inability to process at least one of the most popular multimedia data formats on the network — even though it has exceptional graphics. It does not offer stylus or pen computing or any handwriting capability (although, that may be a plus).

maXiPad? So what is it? It isn’t new, that’s for sure. Read more Is the iPad Right-Sizing Technology (Again)?


One Dead After Conflicting iPhone Apps Simultaneously Open

Des Plains, IL (GlossyNews) — A Park Ridge, IL wedding party turned to disaster when an iPhone user died and three more suffered minor burns after the man inadvertently opened a volatile combination of iPhone apps. Ray Lipton, 35, of Elmhurst was pronounced dead at the scene.

“Ray was showing me his new ‘Gas Pump’ app and it seemed to be working fine until the pump started overfilling the gas tank,” Tanya Damperling, Lipton’s date, sobbed as she recalled the terrible accident.

“There was gas all over the place and Ray was doing his best to turn the pump off, but the ‘Drop your cigarette and squash it with your foot’ app opened up instead. Read more One Dead After Conflicting iPhone Apps Simultaneously Open


Apple Creates Demand for Products That Don’t Exist — Again

Cupertino, CA Apple Inc. CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs was at it, again, doing what he does best — when not shouting at helpless employees at HQ, or in and out of hospital.

He was preaching the gospel of it’s newest product the iPad formerly known as the iTablet, with a low-cal version called the iTab.

For a product that has yet to hit the market, the iPad is touted by many technology pundits and TechTrendsTrackers, a leading [San Francisco]Bay area fad consultancy as the ‘ultimate iPhone and MacBook killer in a single blow and possibly,Macgod forbid, the iPod. Read more Apple Creates Demand for Products That Don’t Exist — Again


NuvaRing Rolls Out New Marketing Campaign; Bare is Better

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ – NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or have been otherwise discommoded while using the safe-ish sex device. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to “square the circle with NuvaRing,” said Jeanne Larouche, a Merck official. Read more NuvaRing Rolls Out New Marketing Campaign; Bare is Better


Doomsday Clock Sold on eBay to Anonymous Bidder

CHICAGO, IL — Spendrift T. Hwart, science historian for the Doomsday Clock group, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, held a press conference today to announce that it would move the hands of the clock from five to six minutes before midnight. Amidst a virtual tumultuous applause from throughout the developed world, Mr. Hwart bowed and smiled as he acknowledged that he virtually imagined the resounding notice. Read more Doomsday Clock Sold on eBay to Anonymous Bidder


Zamfir Cell Phone Virus Threatens United States

Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Zamfir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, and the American way—either that or Catherine Zeta Jones (no relation) is responsible. Read more Zamfir Cell Phone Virus Threatens United States


Apple’s iBoob Set to Break Sales Records

Addressing a press conference at his corporate headquarters in California’s Silicone Valley, Steve Jobs, the company founder of Crapple, announced today that they has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

This is further being considered a major social breakthrough due the fact whingeing women are forever complaining about men staring at their boobs and yet never listening to them. Read more Apple’s iBoob Set to Break Sales Records


Robo-Rat: the Future of Service-Free Pets

Worried about getting your youngsters a pet for Christmas – a cuddly kitten or puppy –then face the moral conscience dilemma of having to go and dump it up the arse end of the wilderness a few weeks later – to keep the legion of other evicted pets company – when the kids get tired of playing with it.

No problems anymore – technology has come to the rescue. The UK toy store shelves are chocker full of the latest and greatest in cuddly robotic pet innovations – Go-Go Pets – the “must-have” present for Christmas 2009. Read more Robo-Rat: the Future of Service-Free Pets


Merry Bloody Christmas with Call of Duty, Modern Warfare

The long wait is finally over for video game aficionados and those chronically addicted and desperate to get their hands on a copy of Call of Duty : Modern Warfare Mk 2 – the festive season’s latest release for a Christmas Day surprise – Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men (apart from those nasty unwashed Muslim Jolly Jihadi scumbags and any other f*cker and their dog who we’ve decided to indiscriminately label enemies). Read more Merry Bloody Christmas with Call of Duty, Modern Warfare


Air Phone Becomes Big Concern Of Cell Phone Suppliers

Washington, DC – The “Air phone look” is a person’s left or right arm crooked with the hand touching the ear and lips simultaneously with the thumb and little finger extended, 3 other fingers folded under the palm.

Everyone’s doing it whether it’s on TV or in the movies; on buses or trains; even through plate glass windows — and always with the mouthed “call me” attached. AT&T, Comcast, Verizon and Sprint are foaming at the mouth over this blatant quasi phone usage without paying for it. Read more Air Phone Becomes Big Concern Of Cell Phone Suppliers


Google to Nationally Publish News Free

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — In a publishing quadruple-whammo punch, Google today announced that it effectively had taken control of the major news corporations in the US not owned by either The New York Times or Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. — but including Tribune Co. and Sun-Times Media, Chicago; McClatchy, Seattle; Gannett in Maryland, Delaware, and Eastern Viriginia; to name a few. Over 35 companies in all sold their stock to the Google Cash Machine. Read more Google to Nationally Publish News Free


Welcome to the EU’s New Dark Ages

Under the latest stupid EU ruling the manufacture and import of 100 watt incandescent light bulbs in Britain will be banned in favour of the CFL energy-saving variety – by which you can’t see to read – or write – brush your hair, wipe your arse, tie your shoe laces or shave without cutting your own throat. Read more Welcome to the EU’s New Dark Ages


Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains

A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were “significant gaps in our scientific knowledge” – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state – or kick-start the growth of a super-metastasizing malignant tumour – but – wait for it – did conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that ‘any’ amount of microwave radiation is ‘not’ good for you. Read more Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains