Nine Technologies Our Kids Will NOT Use in the Future

With all the talk of the future and what it will bring, there is some question as to what the future might mean to you, our dear readers. For example, did you know that in the future wheat will actually be corn?

Since it would be illegal to be money on these predictions, we’re comfortable saying that we totally would have, if we could. So please take this as your handy guide to what the future will bring.

Here are just a few of today’s technologies you won’t see in the future:

  1. The wheel. What (or more accurately where) is the point?
  2. Text. All communication in the future will be via elaborate emoticons.
  3. Handheld cell phones. These will all be implanted under the skin, though mostly into the genitals.
  4. Cars. In the future people will get around using a combination of pneumatic tubes, 50s-style jetpacks, nuclear locomotives and fax.
  5. Speling. r stuf wil do totes 4 us
  6. Families. Pets and electronic devices will replace them once they learn how to bleat political inanities at holiday dinners.
  7. Sex. We will depend upon corporations and/or corporate implants to screw us.
  8. Computers. These will be out-moded by The Singularity, which will come in the next few years or sooner, if not later, or at all.
  9. Foliage. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but this change is already well under way and it’s going to be kind of a big deal.

This article also had contribution from Barb Weir.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.