Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Tech sector analysts say Apple has already experienced some roller coaster PR rides, and the year is just beginning.

Apple stock surged last week on news of the I-Mback, a device that lets deceased people return as fully interactive holograms. Apple founder Steve Jobs was the first to be imprinted in the I-Mback, and he encouraged investors from the grave to “get on board, unless you’re retarded or something.” Read more Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Share

Sony Blames Harold Camping for Prolonged PSN Outage

The weeks of the Playstation Network being down was frustrating for many gamers. What was even more frustrating was the constant reassurance that the network would be back up soon, with that date being pushed farther and farther back.

Many gamers voiced their frustration at Sony for continuously moving back the date for when the network would be back online. Responding to the gaming community’s frustrations, Sony released an announcement explaining the situation. Read more Sony Blames Harold Camping for Prolonged PSN Outage

Share

Communicate with Ghosts? There’s an App for That

Raleigh NC – GlossyNews.com – For unemployed twentysomething Reginald J Wainsborough the good news was that when his Uncle Harley died a month ago he left Reginald a diamond brooch worth $1 million. The bad news was that Uncle Harley’s will neglected to mention where the brooch was stored. That left Reginald hiring an expensive P.I. to track down the brooch.

“I was fairly sure it was in a safe deposit box,” says Reginald. “But the P.I. couldn’t find one in Uncle Harley’s name anywhere in the U.S. I was getting desperate. That brooch was my sole source of income or potential income and I could not find it. Read more Communicate with Ghosts? There’s an App for That

Share

Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

A new computer application available to baby boomers, who are now reaching retirement age at the rate of 10,000 a day, allows optimistic boomers to plan for an affluent retirement at the ripe old age of 170.

The program allows the user to type in variables such as amount of current savings, expected expenses such as healthcare and amount of desired disposable income. After the user hits the “calculate” button, they can see what age they will have enough money to keep from starving to death in a rundown shack. Read more Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

Share

WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas

Benton, AR – (Glossy News) WalMart retailers across the US are all set to stock The Nobel Peace Prize on their store shelves in time for the Christmas buying season. Officials claim there will be plenty to go around and the actual medal will be cast in affordable gold painted pewter instead of the more expensive gold.

“The medal will look just like the one President Obama received except this one will sing a song when you clap your hands,” claims Edgar Walton, VP of Chinese made junk. Read more WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas

Share

DIY Assault Rifle Goes on Sale, Despite ACLU Support

BMB Industries has introduced the new Black Momba Assault Rifle Kit claiming, ‘it can be assembled right in the peace and comfort of your own home using simple, everyday tools.’

The Black Momba kit, model M-160-B assault rifle, will be released for sale via online retailers tomorrow and will fill the needs of descriminating first-time gun owners in time for Christmas. Read more DIY Assault Rifle Goes on Sale, Despite ACLU Support

Share

Cheney, Inspired By “Iron Man”, Reinvents As Superhero (or Villian, Depending)

Inspired by the success and the popularity of Marvel Comics ‘Iron Man’ movie series, Dick Cheney has decided to use the millions he gathered during his tenure as the head of Halliburton and as the shadow head of the United States of America to reinvent himself as a new superhero- Oil Man.

Tired of being seen as just another greedy bastard who could do whatever he wanted he now wanted to be another greedy bastard with super powers who could do whatever he wanted. Read more Cheney, Inspired By “Iron Man”, Reinvents As Superhero (or Villian, Depending)

Share

Music-Composing Super Computer Deemed a Failure

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – A scientist at a local university has declared his greatest achievement, a computer capable of composing original music, a complete failure. Dr. William T. Corn had been working for over fifteen years on the Artificial Music Operation Project, also called “A-MOP,” before vowing to destroy his creation. Read more Music-Composing Super Computer Deemed a Failure

Share

TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

Boston, MA – GlossyNews – The TSA announced a new weapon in the fight against terrorism. All agents will be issued a set of X-ray vision glasses as part of an overall upgrade and proceeds from a grant from DC Comics.

The glasses, once thought to be an inferior item found in the classifieds of comic books and magazines, attracted the attention of Homeland Security purchasing agents who are always on the lookout for new items and other stupid ways to waste taxpayers money. Read more TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

Share

IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising.

In the survey, administered as Tawdry Soup walked down the line that snaked around the block from the local Apple electronics store, a field IQ test asked some basic questions such as, “Does Christmas and New Year’s Day ever fall in the same year and Who is the President of the United States?” Read more IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

Share

Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

JAKARTA Indonesia (GlossyNews) — At the insistence of Muslim holy leaders in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, an incredibly accurate new GPS tracking system will be installed to thwart anti-Islamic hackers who have recently been caught attempting to alter GPS signals to divert prayers meant to be recited directly towards Mecca. Read more Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

Share

California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

HUNTINGTON BEACH, California (GLossyNews) — A California scientist has come up with a novel idea: He has learned to harness the hatred of millions of bigoted Californians to create energy and make minorities rich in the process. Doctor Eli Lafitte, a graduate of Grambling State University, and later of UC Berkeley, says he, “has long known about the energy that permeates a room when an African-American or gay person walks in. It is known as hate by gay people and racism by African-Americans. You can definitely feel it and it makes your hair stand on end, just like static electricity. Read more California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

Share

Apple Developing Drone Phones for Use While Driving

CUPERTINO, California – (Glossy News) Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two, sometimes three replacement iphone 4’s due to having them confiscated by police officers. They are crying out to Apple to do something about it. Read more Apple Developing Drone Phones for Use While Driving

Share

Remote Control Pets Deemed Nearer

Rashomon Technologies today announced that it is discontinuing field trials for “Good-Dog” due to the technology’s stunningly successful performance. The product’s target launch date is late 2011, contingent on royalty and licensing agreements with US veterinarians. RT CEO Kazuo Kurosawa acted as ringmaster in the multi-media presentation of a consumer product that industry insiders believe will out sell the iPhone. Read more Remote Control Pets Deemed Nearer

Share

Cell Phone Jammer Hits the Street

SEATTLE, Washington (GlossyNews) — Instant riches have been bestowed upon Freedom From Cellular Company, the inventor of the new, anti-cell phone jamming device called “The Silencer”. This fresh creation shuts down any irritating cell phones in the users vicinity making them inoperable. It is in such demand that they can now only be found for purchase on the Internet. The Silencer will shut up any cellphone anywhere, anytime within a 30 foot radius of the user. The machine has brought blessed silence, peace and quiet to the thousands of customers who already possess them. Read more Cell Phone Jammer Hits the Street

Share

Chinese Government Says Yes to I-Ching, No to iPhone 4

BEIJING, China (GlossyNews) — Although the Chinese government has allowed consumers in Mainland China to own earlier versions of the iPhone, they are now cracking down saying that the iPhone 4 is too advanced and could bring more harm than good to the government and its citizens.

While Apple’s international sales force has been quick to point out that the iPhone 4 is far less superior than the ads let on, their reverse sales pitch is going nowhere. Read more Chinese Government Says Yes to I-Ching, No to iPhone 4

Share