Archive | Gadgets & Gizmos

$35 Dollar Computer? Why Not, & It’s Gaining Momentum

$35 Dollar Computer? Why Not, & It’s Gaining Momentum

It’s been an extremely slow month for news with nothing interesting going on. I’ve heard things about a big sporting event taking place in London, an upcoming Presidential election, talks of some new third-world countries developing nuclear weapons, groups of people in Syria being profoundly grumpy, reports of Charlie Sheen being really, really stoned and paying more and more for sex, something about unemployment and gas prices, a bunch of protests going on in regards to random things  and complaints about published writers using too many run-on sentences but it’s been very difficult to find something interesting and relevant to write about so I had to do some serious digging in order to beat a strict deadline imposed by the tyrannous senior executives at Glossynews.com. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Human Interest2 Comments

StrangleCorp to Bid on Navy Rail Gun Project

StrangleCorp to Bid on Navy Rail Gun Project

StrangleCorp has announced its intention to bid on the Navy’s Electromagnetic Railgun Project after the current testing cycle is complete. “We’ve been watching BAE System’s and General Atomics’ progress through the prototype stage very closely and we’re pretty confident that we can win the Navy contract against such crappy competition,” said StrangleCorp COO Sal O’Graves. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long Island Medium.” Apparently, two departed entities have chosen Ms. Caputo as spokesperson for their heated argument. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Television0 Comments

Dang It, Google Drive, Be Rational

Dang It, Google Drive, Be Rational

Google Drive is the latest entry in the cloud backup and storage game. They offer mad amounts of storage at unbelievably reasonable prices, but they still fairly suck as bad as any of their competitors, and we just have to ask them; why? Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Tech sector analysts say Apple has already experienced some roller coaster PR rides, and the year is just beginning.

Apple stock surged last week on news of the I-Mback, a device that lets deceased people return as fully interactive holograms. Apple founder Steve Jobs was the first to be imprinted in the I-Mback, and he encouraged investors from the grave to “get on board, unless you’re retarded or something.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology0 Comments

Sony Blames Harold Camping for Prolonged PSN Outage

Sony Blames Harold Camping for Prolonged PSN Outage

The weeks of the Playstation Network being down was frustrating for many gamers. What was even more frustrating was the constant reassurance that the network would be back up soon, with that date being pushed farther and farther back.

Many gamers voiced their frustration at Sony for continuously moving back the date for when the network would be back online. Responding to the gaming community’s frustrations, Sony released an announcement explaining the situation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Communicate with Ghosts? There’s an App for That

Communicate with Ghosts? There’s an App for That

Raleigh NC – GlossyNews.com – For unemployed twentysomething Reginald J Wainsborough the good news was that when his Uncle Harley died a month ago he left Reginald a diamond brooch worth $1 million. The bad news was that Uncle Harley’s will neglected to mention where the brooch was stored. That left Reginald hiring an expensive P.I. to track down the brooch.

“I was fairly sure it was in a safe deposit box,” says Reginald. “But the P.I. couldn’t find one in Uncle Harley’s name anywhere in the U.S. I was getting desperate. That brooch was my sole source of income or potential income and I could not find it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Religionism2 Comments

Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

A new computer application available to baby boomers, who are now reaching retirement age at the rate of 10,000 a day, allows optimistic boomers to plan for an affluent retirement at the ripe old age of 170.

The program allows the user to type in variables such as amount of current savings, expected expenses such as healthcare and amount of desired disposable income. After the user hits the “calculate” button, they can see what age they will have enough money to keep from starving to death in a rundown shack. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Human Interest2 Comments

WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas

WalMart To Stock Nobel Peace Prize In Stores For Christmas

Benton, AR – (Glossy News) WalMart retailers across the US are all set to stock The Nobel Peace Prize on their store shelves in time for the Christmas buying season. Officials claim there will be plenty to go around and the actual medal will be cast in affordable gold painted pewter instead of the more expensive gold.

“The medal will look just like the one President Obama received except this one will sing a song when you clap your hands,” claims Edgar Walton, VP of Chinese made junk. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

DIY Assault Rifle Goes on Sale, Despite ACLU Support

DIY Assault Rifle Goes on Sale, Despite ACLU Support

BMB Industries has introduced the new Black Momba Assault Rifle Kit claiming, ‘it can be assembled right in the peace and comfort of your own home using simple, everyday tools.’

The Black Momba kit, model M-160-B assault rifle, will be released for sale via online retailers tomorrow and will fill the needs of descriminating first-time gun owners in time for Christmas. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Cheney, Inspired By “Iron Man”, Reinvents As Superhero (or Villian, Depending)

Cheney, Inspired By “Iron Man”, Reinvents As Superhero (or Villian, Depending)

Inspired by the success and the popularity of Marvel Comics ‘Iron Man’ movie series, Dick Cheney has decided to use the millions he gathered during his tenure as the head of Halliburton and as the shadow head of the United States of America to reinvent himself as a new superhero- Oil Man.

Tired of being seen as just another greedy bastard who could do whatever he wanted he now wanted to be another greedy bastard with super powers who could do whatever he wanted. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Talky Pictures1 Comment

Music-Composing Super Computer Deemed a Failure

Music-Composing Super Computer Deemed a Failure

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – A scientist at a local university has declared his greatest achievement, a computer capable of composing original music, a complete failure. Dr. William T. Corn had been working for over fifteen years on the Artificial Music Operation Project, also called “A-MOP,” before vowing to destroy his creation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Gadgets & Gizmos1 Comment

TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops

Boston, MA – GlossyNews – The TSA announced a new weapon in the fight against terrorism. All agents will be issued a set of X-ray vision glasses as part of an overall upgrade and proceeds from a grant from DC Comics.

The glasses, once thought to be an inferior item found in the classifieds of comic books and magazines, attracted the attention of Homeland Security purchasing agents who are always on the lookout for new items and other stupid ways to waste taxpayers money. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, War Zone0 Comments

IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising.

In the survey, administered as Tawdry Soup walked down the line that snaked around the block from the local Apple electronics store, a field IQ test asked some basic questions such as, “Does Christmas and New Year’s Day ever fall in the same year and Who is the President of the United States?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology1 Comment

Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

JAKARTA Indonesia (GlossyNews) — At the insistence of Muslim holy leaders in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, an incredibly accurate new GPS tracking system will be installed to thwart anti-Islamic hackers who have recently been caught attempting to alter GPS signals to divert prayers meant to be recited directly towards Mecca. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Religionism0 Comments

California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

HUNTINGTON BEACH, California (GLossyNews) — A California scientist has come up with a novel idea: He has learned to harness the hatred of millions of bigoted Californians to create energy and make minorities rich in the process. Doctor Eli Lafitte, a graduate of Grambling State University, and later of UC Berkeley, says he, “has long known about the energy that permeates a room when an African-American or gay person walks in. It is known as hate by gay people and racism by African-Americans. You can definitely feel it and it makes your hair stand on end, just like static electricity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Strange People5 Comments

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