Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

First off I want to thank Motorola for sending me this phone. I know they are having a hard time keeping these in stock due to popular demand.

To start with, I plugged the DynaTac into my clothes dryer outlet because unfortunately it doesn’t use a standard outlet. This was slightly inconvenient but it’s a small price to pay for the abilities of this phone.

The battery only took 72 hours to fully charge. Once charged I could talk for approximately five minutes before needing to recharge. It uses the same batteries found in many diesel trucks so I picked up a few spare ones from my local auto parts store.

Once the thirty minute boot up process was complete, I was shocked at how clear the display looked. Each number I pressed showed up crystal clear on the 1″ x 1/2″ display.

My first test call failed due to a low battery but as soon as I installed one of my spares I was good to go. The test caller said I sounded “slightly zombieish and completely drowned out by what sounded like demons crapping on the corpse of a dying cat,” and that my number showed up as “lol” on his caller ID. He was able to tell that I was a human if only because he doubted that zombies actually existed. (I think he was just mad that I didn’t let him use it.)

While powered on, the phone beeps loudly every five seconds to warn you that you are receiving lethal amounts of radiation. I was thankful that Motorola was thoughtful enough to include such a helpful feature.

After the test call and after installing another spare battery I decided to check out the various ringtones. The default ringtone is a wonderful balance between a 1940’s ambulance and a donkey while the second ringtone is actually just the sound of the number 5 being pressed over and over again. Both are reasonably loud and I had no problem hearing them from my sister’s house across town.

One feature that I was surprised to find was a removable antenna. This amazing feature allowed me to use the antenna for other things such as playing pool and fencing. This dual-use feature is something other phone makers could learn from.

As for portability I found that after purchasing a wheelbarrow to carry the spare batteries, the fact that the phone weighed ten pounds was barely noticeable. And man does this thing command respect! I found that everywhere I went I was getting jealous stares and some people were laughing hysterically. (Obviously at themselves for not owning one.)

Over my two month test period I was able to make two phone calls and I lost twenty five pounds. My right arm also gained eight inches of circumference and I only had to receive treatment for two brain tumors.

Overall, I am amazed at how far we’ve come with technology. My only complaint about this device was that I couldn’t keep it. Something about a “priority one safety recall” or something like that. Too bad.


One comment on “Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

  1. Dude, that phone was GROUNDBREAKING!

    I’m sorry, Mr. Grumpypants, that you had to wait this long to get one.

    I tried to call you and tell you how sorry I am, but since there are no analog cell networks in existence anymore, the call didn’t go through.

    Can you hear me meow?

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