Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

First off I want to thank Motorola for sending me this phone. I know they are having a hard time keeping these in stock due to popular demand.

To start with, I plugged the DynaTac into my clothes dryer outlet because unfortunately it doesn’t use a standard outlet. This was slightly inconvenient but it’s a small price to pay for the abilities of this phone.

The battery only took 72 hours to fully charge. Once charged I could talk for approximately five minutes before needing to recharge. It uses the same batteries found in many diesel trucks so I picked up a few spare ones from my local auto parts store.

Once the thirty minute boot up process was complete, I was shocked at how clear the display looked. Each number I pressed showed up crystal clear on the 1″ x 1/2″ display.

My first test call failed due to a low battery but as soon as I installed one of my spares I was good to go. The test caller said I sounded “slightly zombieish and completely drowned out by what sounded like demons crapping on the corpse of a dying cat,” and that my number showed up as “lol” on his caller ID. He was able to tell that I was a human if only because he doubted that zombies actually existed. (I think he was just mad that I didn’t let him use it.)

While powered on, the phone beeps loudly every five seconds to warn you that you are receiving lethal amounts of radiation. I was thankful that Motorola was thoughtful enough to include such a helpful feature.

After the test call and after installing another spare battery I decided to check out the various ringtones. The default ringtone is a wonderful balance between a 1940’s ambulance and a donkey while the second ringtone is actually just the sound of the number 5 being pressed over and over again. Both are reasonably loud and I had no problem hearing them from my sister’s house across town.

One feature that I was surprised to find was a removable antenna. This amazing feature allowed me to use the antenna for other things such as playing pool and fencing. This dual-use feature is something other phone makers could learn from.

As for portability I found that after purchasing a wheelbarrow to carry the spare batteries, the fact that the phone weighed ten pounds was barely noticeable. And man does this thing command respect! I found that everywhere I went I was getting jealous stares and some people were laughing hysterically. (Obviously at themselves for not owning one.)

Over my two month test period I was able to make two phone calls and I lost twenty five pounds. My right arm also gained eight inches of circumference and I only had to receive treatment for two brain tumors.

Overall, I am amazed at how far we’ve come with technology. My only complaint about this device was that I couldn’t keep it. Something about a “priority one safety recall” or something like that. Too bad.

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

1 thought on “Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

  1. Dude, that phone was GROUNDBREAKING!

    I’m sorry, Mr. Grumpypants, that you had to wait this long to get one.

    I tried to call you and tell you how sorry I am, but since there are no analog cell networks in existence anymore, the call didn’t go through.

    Can you hear me meow?

Comments are closed.