Author: Veto Votti
Report: Man Fails to Give Damn
OCEAN CITY – Family, relatives, and friends are in mourning after a man announced he does not give a damn about life, the universe, or anything. Morgan Carlyle, 46, made the announcement as he left his job at Burger Blast…
Consumers Wowed by PNC “Free iPad” Promotion
Consumer circles are going wild over a new promotion being offered by PNC Bank to first-time clients who opt to open an account with the nationwide financial company. Anyone who pays a non-refundable, $700 bank fee under the promotion is…
Last Alliance of Idiots and Morons March for Bloomberg
NEW YORK CITY – Police are out in force after a grand alliance of idiots and morons took to Times Square to march in support of Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his policies. Though the protesters already numbered over 40,000 by…
Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell
Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end. Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the…
FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking. Current requirements for selection…
Obama Angry He “Can’t” Kill American Citizens
Members of the press core were violently ejected from the White House yesterday after President Obama went into a fit of rage over the fact that the Constitution prohibits him from killing innocent American citizens. “It’s not fair! My drone…
Study: Majority of U.S. Pop. Now Filipina Women
A new study released by Barvard University shows a startling shift in the demographics of the United States from predominantly white to now overwhelmingly Filipina. The report reveals that Filipina women now comprise 59 percent of the population, dwarfing the…
NEWS FLASH: Berlusconi Does Not Get the Girl
In a stunning turn of events, former Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi has failed to pick up the hottest girl in Rome. News sources reported late Monday that glitzy fashion star Martina Martinelli blew off the antsy Italian Stallion…
Token Black Guy Resigns from Film Production
Citing disagreements with producers over his designated point of death in the runtime, a token black guy has left his latest film production. Reports suggest Marlon Tyrone broke with the production crew of “Attack of the Libertarian Zombies” after getting…
Conductor Unveils “Reduced Fat Orchestra”
NEW YORK CITY – A conductor is drawing wide attention for his decision to present a “Reduced Fat Orchestra” to future audiences. Tomasso Fillipo Rivelli, 32, came to the conclusion after getting word that Congressman Paul Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity”…