WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking.
Current requirements for selection make applicants run 1.5 miles in under 11 minutes. Under the new plan, one who can power walk the same distance in approximately an hour will be considered equally capable.
According to director Robert Mueller, the changes reflect President Obama’s desires to eliminate barriers to all Americans from different walks of life who desire to join the elite law enforcement agency and be, as he describes, “Total goodasses for America.”
In response to questions about the new standards by the press corps, Joe Biden confessed he is greatly excited to see them become official. “Some women are not capable of running more than a short distance quickly, and thus would have trouble making the present requirements to become a special agent. As someone who has always longed to be an FBI special agent and a woman, I am confident the new standards will only bring good to our country.”
Also thrilled with the changes is Dobey Tavik, an overweight basement dweller who hopes to take advantage of the new standards and join the FBI, at last putting his BA in Communications and 2.7 GPA to use. He plans to start practicing power walk skills on Monday with a close friend, Chris Christie.