Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell

Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end.

Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the Department of Purgatory Projects, mistakenly emailed details of how the federal workers are treated when they pass through hell’s front gate after a life of pan-molestation to Congressman Hank Johnson’s office.

As a strong defender of TSA rights, Johnson was quick to release the information to major news networks and the UN, which called the methods of punishment “Incomprehensible, even for Satan,” in an official statement.

Politicians from both sides of the isle were quick to condemn the approach to punishment. Former Vice President Dick Cheney and columnist Bill Kristol expressed concerns about hell’s practices, arguing that “Waterboarding is so much more effective.”

Despite being inundated with thankful messages from most Americans, Hell’s press office managed to reply to the neoconservative suggestion, conceding that “While waterboarding is neat, we don’t have any water here. And honestly, we are not that cool.”

As for the Democrats, President Obama has opened a negotiation line with members of Satan’s staff, being careful to watch his wording so as to not catch flack with the GOP. Insiders say he is in talks with House Speaker John Boehner to ensure that any attempts to “make a deal with the devil” over the TSA agents will be met with at least marginal Republican support.

As for Baliferous, he has been placed on administrative leave and told to complete five good deeds, a punishment he describes as “Overwhelming and painful.”

Author: Veto Votti

Washington, D.C. native stuck in the Alps. I use a typewriter and then copy and paste to my computer doesn't work so well.