Obama Angry He “Can’t” Kill American Citizens

Members of the press core were violently ejected from the White House yesterday after President Obama went into a fit of rage over the fact that the Constitution prohibits him from killing innocent American citizens.

“It’s not fair! My drone strikes have killed hundreds of Pakistanis in the past four years. At this point, who cares where the targets are, or whether they are brown or not?”

The president reportedly spent much of the day yelling at Michelle and playing Tropico 4, which he describes as “A model for the America I want.”

In an effort to calm the president down, Senator Lindsey Graham stepped forward and attempted to passionately French kiss Obama, only to mistakenly crash into Joe Biden’s lips. He nonetheless described the experience as “Like a wonderful shotgun blast through the front door.”

New CIA Director John Brennan conceded that the only viable option going forward for the Obama Administration is to propose a constitutional amendment permitting the president to order death squads to assassinate American citizens at his whim. “This is obviously the inescapable conclusion of a battle for the heart and soul of aggressive authoritarian democracy. We will find the terrorists where they live and plan, no matter the cost.”

Speaking with Candy Bash of Central Central News, Senator John McCain said he feels “A fundamental sense of solidarity with the president, who “Just wants to be a real man and have the authority to kill people.”

Meanwhile in Minsk, Alexander Lukashenko backed off from his usual criticism of Obama after hearing the report, telling state-run media “Da Comrade Barack, Da.”

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