Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position

WICHITA – On Monday afternoon local man and self-described holiday enthusiast Phillip Bakers preemptively arranged his two decorative outdoor Christmas reindeer, a common addition to the front yards of many Christian Americans, in the doggy style position.

“I know that little [expletive] Tim Mardocky down the street gets a huge kick out of placing my yard deer on top of each other like they’re having sex every Christmas,” said the married 49-year-old father of three.

“But this year, things are going to be different. Who’s laughing now Timmy boy?”

Bakers, who says he has been decorating his yard with the festive animal figurines for the past 7 years, says this is the only thing he could think of to prevent tampering of his holiday decorations.

“I am just happy knowing my solution will take away any ensuing laughter coming from that [expletive]ing neighbor kid should he successfully place my Christmas deer in a sexually explicit position.”

At press time, Bakers was reportedly seen yelling incoherently from his front porch whilst cleaning what looked like feces – which was apparently placed inside of a brown lunch bag set afire on his doorstep – from the bottom of his house shoes.

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One comment on “Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position

  1. My town sucks too, so I just winged it and had one reindeer crucifying another in a pale imitation of a seasonal movie spoiler.

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