Author: Laurence Brown
Boyfriend Somehow Given Final Say Over Which of These 2 Dresses Goes Best with The White Heels
INDIANAPOLIS – Despite possessing virtually no discernible fashion sense or understanding of basic color-coordination, local boyfriend Joseph Clapham was somehow given final say Thursday over which of these two dresses goes best with the white heels. Happy himself to just…
Lance Armstrong Apologizes to Supporters, Fellow Cyclists for Getting Caught
CHICAGO, IL – In an open and honest interview with Oprah Winfrey, disgraced former cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to doping and apologized to fellow professionals and his supporters for getting found out. During the interview, the first part of which…
Report: Someone, Somewhere Actually Pursuing Career In Dental Hygiene
INDIANAPOLIS – A report released Friday has found that someone, somewhere is actively taking steps to realize a lifelong dream of becoming a dental hygienist. General Dentist No, this isn’t the name of an old WWII general who served in…
Toddler Avidly Ruining Around Three Books A Week
INDIANAPOLIS – Despite the inherent allure of mainstream video games, Marvel action figures and children’s television, 3-year-old Nathan LaPlant still manages to find the time to graffiti, on average, three books a week, say the child’s parents. While his older…
Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools
WASHINGTON D.C. – Almost a month after a gunman claimed the lives of nearly 30 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, members of a pro-gun group have urged states across the nation to pass tough legislation aimed…
God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family
INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons. God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone…
Weight-Loss Program Guarantees You’ll Lose Interest in Under 2 Weeks
INDIANAPOLIS – As millions of Americans continue to return to post-holiday life, a controversial new weight-loss program – pioneered by a self-help guru in California – guarantees that dieters will lose interest in the program in just 2 weeks. Launching…
Word ‘Belated’ Now Only Used In Birthday Messages
BLOOMINGTON – It was revealed Monday by linguistic professors at Indiana University that the word “belated” – an adjective whose origins can been traced back to the year 1610 – is now only used in birthday messages. The word, which…
Unseasonably Warm Weather A Reminder Man Didn’t Recycle Bottles Last Month
INDIANAPOLIS – A recent spate of unseasonably warm weather, which has seen December temperatures peak in the mid sixties, has acted as a timely reminder that local man Dennis Kowalski never got around to recycling those damn bottles last month….
Man Able to Put Anti-Immigration Beliefs Aside During Qdoba Visit
FISHERS, INDIANA – During a post-work visit to American-Mexican food chain Qdoba Tuesday, local bigot Steve Clitheroe was somehow able to put aside his anti-immigration beliefs while enjoying a “mighty fine” meal with wife Linda. Though he routinely espouses strong…