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God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.”

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“I stand over you all today to protest my innocence in this most recent and appalling tragedy,” declared God this morning. “I am not, in any way, affiliated with Mr. Calzone and it is quite clear that the lying shithead carried out the murder all by himself.”

“I cannot stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it.”

Calzone is set to go on trial on August 24, where he will make the case that he had acted upon the word of God during the July 11 shooting at his family home. Despite these allegations, however, God – who is set to give evidence at the trial – insisted that he had never once been in contact with the suspect.

“I vehemently refute Mr. Calzone’s claim that I spoke to him every night prior to this awful tragedy, or that I told him to buy a semi-automatic weapon and offload six rounds into his family,” continued the Heavenly Father. “I repeat: I have never corresponded with this awful man. Period.”

God insisted that he will do everything in his considerable power to help investigators bring Calzone to justice, stating: “I’m even willing to testify under oath,” he concluded. “That is, if the court will permit me to swear on my own Bible.”


This post was written by

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Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.


2 Responses to “God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family”

  1. Brian White says:

    After what God told Abraham to do to Isaac, I'm not sure we can believe everything He has to say.

  2. Abraham's Neighbor says:

    As a close personal friend of Abraham, I should point out that he was acting in good faith. He just didn’t have a good connection is all. You know how bad reception was back then.


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