Fourteenth Suspicious Package Discovered… Maybe Copycat

Washington, DC- On Wednesday morning, Federal Investigators confirmed the existence of a fourteenth suspicious package, this time addressed to President Trump, discovered at a mail sorting facility in the DC area over the weekend. Florida resident and Trump supported Cesar Soyac, 56 years old, was taken into custody by authorities early Friday afternoon in connection to thirteen packages that had been sent to various politicians and outspoken critics of the President. If convicted, Soyac faces up to 48 years in prison. The latest package is the first one to target the President directly.

According to one source inside the investigation, “There are distinct differences between the first thirteen packages, and the latest package,” which was discovered at the USPS Regional Facility Washington DC Network Distribution Center early Sunday morning.  “My gut instinct tells me that the author of this latest package is probably not Soyac, but instead a copycat.”

Investigators point to the construction of the latest device, as well as its intended target as evidence of the copycat theory.  “The original thirteen packages, though non-lethal, demonstrated a working knowledge of basic bomb building techniques.  It would have required very little effort to have made these devices fully functional.  In fact, since all of the necessary components were included in the original packages, it is possible that these devices could have accidently gone off during transport.  The latest package, while still being treated as a valid threat, lacks any of the sophistication employed in the previous packages.”

One investigator, who spoke off the record so he could discuss the situation with more candor, was scathing in his evaluation, calling the latest package, “Equivocal to an ACME rocket.  This is literally the type of device you would make if you grew up watching Looney Tunes.  To call it amateurish is an insult to every kid who’s ever set off a firecracker, and I think even Wile E Coyote would be embarrassed by this effort.”

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You Don’t Need an Office to Grow Your Business

The only thing that is as dynamic as technology is the way that people run their business. Why? Because business ideas pop up in the mind as often as the sun shines in summer. That just how dynamic a business mind is. And if we put that innovative business together with the technology trends nowadays, you will see that you really don’t need an office for your business to grow.

Don’t believe us? Well, read on as we give you tips on how you can grow your business remotely.

Tips on how to Grow your Business Remotely

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SEC Announces Plans for a Human Commodity Trading Market

York, NY – US Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Chairman Jay Clayton, in a joint press conference with Secretary of Commerce (SOC) Wilber Ross and Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin, announced plans to allow the trading of Human Beings on the Commodities Markets, Friday morning.

“This has been a long time in the making,” an enthusiastic Chairman Clayton proclaimed from the steps of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE). “Not since the years leading up to the Civil War have leaders had the necessary tools of an established market to effectively gauge the value of human life. We believe this will make such a determination much easier.”

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Moviegoers Catch Up on Sleep During First Man

Fans of sleeping in comfortable movie chairs are excited about the release of First Man, the latest in the Hollywood tradition of boring movies about space.

“We’re proud of First Man. We think it’s the most boring movie about space ever, and that’s saying a lot,” said producer, Robert Weinbergersteen. “We know the fans go to space movies to get away from it all and escape their lives for a few hours. They really appreciate the opportunity to escape to a dark movie theater, sit in comfortable chairs, not be bothered by phone calls or texts, kids, bosses, spouses, and just fall asleep for two hours.”

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The Funniest Unintentionally Satirical Headlines of Today! But Do You Have a Tip-Off For Us???

1. Cut, cut, cut!

Erdogan is upset at the notion of theocratic dictatorships cutting up innocent people while they’re still alive.

Just so you know.

Prominent UK broadsheet The Guardian quotes Erdogan as follows:

Intelligence and security institutions have evidence showing the murder was planned … Pinning such a case on some security and intelligence members will not satisfy us or the international community. From the person who gave the order, to the person who carried it out, they must all be brought to account.

Yeah, barbaric dictatorships mutilating and murdering innocent people? We couldn’t have that now, could we!

2. I Cannot Tell a Lie

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Republican’s Reverse Position on Affirmative Action to Back Controversial New Bill

Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced their support for instating Affirmative Action as a qualifier for a controversial piece of legislation, likely to be brought before congress during the lame duck sessions following the midterm elections.

“It’s the twenty first century… and we recognize the Republican Party has to got to change with the times,” a giddy McConnell told reporters from the steps of the Capitol Building.  “We are excited about this legislation.  It is our belief that this bill has the potential to generate significant bipartisan support.  We are certain this bill will be particularly popular, among our nation’s growing minority populations, and among the super elite in this country.” Read more Republican’s Reverse Position on Affirmative Action to Back Controversial New Bill

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