Washington, DC- On Wednesday morning, Federal Investigators confirmed the existence of a fourteenth suspicious package, this time addressed to President Trump, discovered at a mail sorting facility in the DC area over the weekend. Florida resident and Trump supported Cesar Soyac, 56 years old, was taken into custody by authorities early Friday afternoon in connection to thirteen packages that had been sent to various politicians and outspoken critics of the President. If convicted, Soyac faces up to 48 years in prison. The latest package is the first one to target the President directly.
According to one source inside the investigation, “There are distinct differences between the first thirteen packages, and the latest package,” which was discovered at the USPS Regional Facility Washington DC Network Distribution Center early Sunday morning. “My gut instinct tells me that the author of this latest package is probably not Soyac, but instead a copycat.”
Investigators point to the construction of the latest device, as well as its intended target as evidence of the copycat theory. “The original thirteen packages, though non-lethal, demonstrated a working knowledge of basic bomb building techniques. It would have required very little effort to have made these devices fully functional. In fact, since all of the necessary components were included in the original packages, it is possible that these devices could have accidently gone off during transport. The latest package, while still being treated as a valid threat, lacks any of the sophistication employed in the previous packages.”
One investigator, who spoke off the record so he could discuss the situation with more candor, was scathing in his evaluation, calling the latest package, “Equivocal to an ACME rocket. This is literally the type of device you would make if you grew up watching Looney Tunes. To call it amateurish is an insult to every kid who’s ever set off a firecracker, and I think even Wile E Coyote would be embarrassed by this effort.”
The latest package was said to have been “Addressed to President Dad, and it contained a device consisting of three flares with the letters TNT scrawled on the outside of each one, held together by a Zenith El Primero Rainbow watch, and some loose colored wires.”
“The amount of effort put into this latest device leaves something to be desired,” my source continued. “If my child were responsible, I would be embarrassed. Investigators are in the process of tracking down a couple of promising leads, as the perpetrator left a mountain of evidence, including fingerprints, hair, and saliva samples on the envelope and the device. I believe we’ll make an arrest by the end of the week.”
An elated President Trump told reporters, “This latest threat should prove to the rest of the world that these attacks were not a partisan effort, as the Fake News Media has previously reported. Hopefully we can move past this issue, and get back to focusing on the midterm elections, and my message of Making America Great Again!”