First Verified Proof of Russian Election Hacking, 2018

Roseville, CA- After nearly 18 months of investigation, sources from inside the United States Office of Special Counsel (OSC) have indicated there has been a major breakthrough this week in Robert Mueller’s investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election.  Members of Mueller’s team were spotted leaving the campus of East Roseville High School, just outside the state capitol of Sacramento, Wednesday morning, with a number of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices in hand; including the school servers.

School Principal, Edward Thomas declined to comment on the incident, referring all questions to the Office of the Superintendent of Schools.

According to sources inside the OSC, investigators have interviewed a number of Students, Faculty, and Administrators over the course of the last few days regarding unusual online activity that took place on school owned computers in October of 2016, 2017, and 2018.

“For 18 months now, FBI investigators have been on the hunt for irrefutable evidence of election misconduct carried out by Russians.   Well… it appears we may have it,” my source revealed.  “It looks like the culprit is a 17 year old student who was born in the Ukrainian city of Molodizhne (located on the Crimean peninsula) who immigrated to the United States back in 2004, and has close family relatives who live in Russian occupied territories.  The student has not been taken into federal custody, but they have already confessed to a number of incidents relating to student body election tampering in the years 2016, 2017, and 2018.”

The White House has referred all inquiries to the Justice Department.  Justice department officials declined comment, siting internal policies regarding ongoing investigations.

Democratic members of congress were quick to condemn President Trump following the news.

“So a student with Russian ties has confessed to FBI Investigators that they participated in tampering in at least three student body presidential elections, and still this Administration denies that Russians were involved, it’s a disgrace,” an agitated Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-Con) shouted from the steps of the Capitol.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told members of the press, “This President continues to provide cover for Putin and his agents.  Sooner or later the OSC is going to release its report, and the Democratic Party will be swift and decisive in moving forward with Impeachment.”

When asked for comment, Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) proclaimed, “I… am… Spartacus,” and held up a glossy 8 x 10 photo of Kirk Douglas.

This story is ongoing…

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."