Republican’s Reverse Position on Affirmative Action to Back Controversial New Bill

Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced their support for instating Affirmative Action as a qualifier for a controversial piece of legislation, likely to be brought before congress during the lame duck sessions following the midterm elections.

“It’s the twenty first century… and we recognize the Republican Party has to got to change with the times,” a giddy McConnell told reporters from the steps of the Capitol Building.  “We are excited about this legislation.  It is our belief that this bill has the potential to generate significant bipartisan support.  We are certain this bill will be particularly popular, among our nation’s growing minority populations, and among the super elite in this country.”

The bill, tentatively known as the Student Loan Alleviation/Vocation Employment (SLAVE) Program, is the latest effort by legislators to tackle the growing student debt crisis, which has increased by almost 150% over the last decade (It is projected to rise 300% over the next decade).  After early numbers indicate the popular Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) Program may not live up to its billings (97% of qualified applicants were rejected in its first year of enrollment, according to recently published statistics), lawmakers are looking for other alternatives.

“Hundreds of thousands of Americans have been handicapped by this situation.” Speaker Ryan lamented to reporters.  “What good is it for the average person, to spend four years working to earn a degree, so you can then get a good paying job, only to spend half of your paycheck paying off the interest on a loan, that will more than likely follow you to the grave?  It has become apparent that PSLF, while great as an employee recruitment tool for government agencies, is about as effective as the government agencies themselves.  It’s a Joke.  We believe that this program will be the answer.  Myself and Majority leader McConnell worked very hard on the verbiage, and we feel we’ve got a winner.”

“Paul’s right.  With the passing of the SLAVE Program, congress will open a new avenue for those American’s who have been overwhelmed by their student debt.  This program will allow any American who has an outstanding student loan to enter into the Congressional Republican Indentured Servitude Program (CRISP) for a term of twenty years, employed as a congressional aide.  The jobs will be unpaid internships, will consist of carrying out tasks current interns are barred from performing (such as running personal errands, housework, babysitting, etc…)  and will require applicants to forfeit their Employee Rights.  At the end of their 20 year term, participants will receive a letter of forgiveness, which they will supply to their lender to initiate a wiping of the debt, minus any accrued penalties for delinquency.”

“This should also increase the number of Minority Staffers among the Republican Ranks.  We will be giving prioritization to all nonwhites on a first come first serve basis.” Ryan added while giving two thumbs up.

According to a printout distributed to the press by one of Ryan’s congressional aides, there are two components to the passing and implementation of the bill.  First and foremost, would be the passing of a 28th Amendment to the Constitution, which would amend the Involuntary Servitude Clause of the 13th Amendment, effectively gutting the Amendment that prohibits slavery.

The congressional aide who was distributing the printout indicated that the first step “isn’t completely necessary, after all, we do hold a majority in the Supreme Court, and it’s very unlikely they would overturn any legislation that was sponsored by a Republican based on constitutional concerns.  That being said, some of the Justices are getting pretty old, and we won’t be in power forever.  We just want to cover our bases, and ensure the liberals don’t try to repeal this thing later on.”

The second step is getting the SLAVE Program through both houses of congress.  “That should be the easy part,” the aide continued.  “With every lame duck session of congress there is always a possible risk of alienating voters, but it seems more and more likely Democrats will flip the house in November.  We’d like our outgoing congressmen to have one more shot at passing a significant piece of legislation before they return to the private sector.  Both Speaker Ryan and Majority leader McConnell ran it by President Trump this morning and were assured it would be signed into law if passed.”

After returning from the news conference and reviewing my own student debt situation, this reported has signed up with with the hope that somewhere in my lineage there is a minority relative that will help my chances with the program.


Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."