Month: May 2014
President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers
Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody…
NRA Succeeds In Taking Over U.S.- Bans All Amendments Except Second
The NRA has at last accomplished their goal of taking over the government of what was once was the United States of America. Initiating a ploy that they were rebels against an unfair, repressive political entity, they succeeding in hiding…
After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”
Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”. Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late…
Walt Disney Raises Ticket Prices From Beyond the Grave
Anaheim, California – The Disney Corporation announced a $4 per ticket price increase this week for general admission tickets to both its Disneyland and Disney World theme parks. Disney executives cited the rising cost of power as the main reason…
After a Day of Spinning, Jay Carney Requires Nearly a Pharmacy to Sleep at Night
Washington, D.C. – After an average day of spinning details of current events to make the President look good, no matter how bad the situation, White House spokesman, Jay Carney, needs practically an entire pharmacy to help him sleep at…
Julianna Rose Maurielo, Stephanie from LazyTown, Dead of Apparent Suicide Overdose
Beloved and coveted former child actress and sex icon Julianna Rose Mauriello was found dead in her Bangkok apartment where she was staying while filming an upcoming feature. “Stephanie [from] LazyTown was on TV, I’m told,” said coroner Panupong Mantri….
Cooper Brand Pooper Scoopers are Super-Duper Cooper Scoopers
Montgomery County, Pennsylvania – Assisting residents in cleaning up the debris left behind from their crushed dreams of having locally born celebrity, Bradley Cooper, win an Academy Award are Cooper Industries’ pooper scoopers that have been flying off the shelves…
Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film
I’m going to tell you up right up front that I have been a Godzilla fan since the first time I laid eyes on The Man in The Rubber Suit. Will Rogers has absolutely nothing on me: I’ve never met…
John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed
Washington D.C. – Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for his orange hue and lack of spine when it comes to politics, was found this weekend in a dried-out, mummified state inside a tanning bed at a local salon….
Pink Floyd to Release Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress
London – After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music and selling kazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children’s book this summer. Titled, “Dark Side of the Mattress”, the book promises…