Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”.
Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late 90’s, is slated to become the state’s newest executioner.
Following the nationally embarrassing spectacle, Oklahoma’s dim but duly elected governor Mary Fallin asked her Cabinet members to investigate the failed execution and issued a 60-day stay of execution for Charles Warner.
Warner was originally scheduled to have been the second execution in a rare double-header before Locket’s gruesome death harshed everyone’s buzz.
According to sources inside the execution, medical technicians were unable to locate suitable veins for injection in Locket’s neck, arms or legs and had to resort to locating sites in the man’s groin. Technicians applaud the new execution method, citing feeling slightly “uncomfortable” handling a condemned man’s junk in search of a femoral artery.
Dumbo was suggested as an alternative execution method after witnessing him crushing pumpkins in the prison exercise yard.
“A pumpkin is about the same size as a human head. We noticed he has a knack for it, so what the hell,” said prison director Robert Patton.
Dumbo is currently serving a life sentence yet continues to maintain his innocence according to authorities. Dumbo will be granted special privileges as a trustie, however, should he decide to accept the position of state executioner.
Apparently, Dumbo only narrowly beat out “Crazy Ted with a pillow” for executioner. Crazy Ted, a notorious inmate noted for the mysterious suicide deaths of his cellmates by suffocation, was considered too mundane a method of execution. “Dumbo can bring in the tourist traffic. Where’s the entertainment value in watching a psycho smother a man tied to a gurney with a pillow?” said Patton.
Once executions start-up again, Oklahoma has plans to eliminate a considerable back-log. “We’re looking at a daily show at 6:00 am with two shows on Saturday,” said Patton. Charles Warner, scheduled to be the first person executed by Dumbo next month, remarked to reporters, “Man, that’s just f*cked up!”