Month: May 2014
Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out
Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation. Carney, who now plans…
The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief
If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief. Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of…
Corman Creates Catastrophe, Kubrick Cringes
Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey was a huge hit in 1968 and also something of a revolution in science fiction filmmaking. Previous science fiction films had been heavily action-oriented and even frivolous, generally featuring aliens in unconvincing rubber suits…
Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted for Muzzle, Treated for Diarrhea of the Mouth
Los Angeles, CA – Some people don’t know when to shut up. Such is the case with actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Her mouth has gotten her in hot water with critics again and, this time, drastic measures have been taken to…
“Gays of Future Past” Promotes X-rated Agenda
Once again, Hollywood is seeking to undermine time-tested family values. First it was The Dark Knight Rises, featuring its new villain, Bane, as a direct attack on the Romney campaign. Then came Frozen, with its ideals of female independence and…
Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors
Santa Barbara, CA – As the country tries to make sense of the recent tragedy in California, the nation’s elite are always quick to point out the answers to those of us who aren’t nearly as smart as they are….
John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden
US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him.”
The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)
Russian separatists in Ukraine, eager to show the world just how diplomatic and democratic they are in their newly taken over territory, smashed voting tables, threatened vote takers and surrounded the home of a man vocally in support of elections…
Former MTV Host Arrested For Breaking Into Sirius/XM Headquarters
New York City – Mark Goodman, a former VJ from the 1980’s heyday of MTV, was hauled away in handcuffs last week after being caught hitting the button that turns all Sirius/XM radios on, regardless of whether the customer has…
California Considers Move to Ban ‘Blonde Sluts’ After Man Goes on Rampage Because He Never Got Any
Isla Vista, CA – A delusional, 22 year-old man went on a premeditated killing spree Friday night in an attempt to get “retribution”, as he stated it, for the slight he felt humanity had given him. His hatred focused on…