Posted in Politics

Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out

Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation. Carney, who now plans…

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Posted in Politics Technology

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief. Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of…

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Posted in Entertainment

Corman Creates Catastrophe, Kubrick Cringes

Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey was a huge hit in 1968 and also something of a revolution in science fiction filmmaking. Previous science fiction films had been heavily action-oriented and even frivolous, generally featuring aliens in unconvincing rubber suits…

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Posted in Entertainment

Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted for Muzzle, Treated for Diarrhea of the Mouth

Los Angeles, CA – Some people don’t know when to shut up. Such is the case with actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Her mouth has gotten her in hot water with critics again and, this time, drastic measures have been taken to…

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Posted in Entertainment Religionism

“Gays of Future Past” Promotes X-rated Agenda

Once again, Hollywood is seeking to undermine time-tested family values. First it was The Dark Knight Rises, featuring its new villain, Bane, as a direct attack on the Romney campaign. Then came Frozen, with its ideals of female independence and…

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Posted in Serious Commentary

Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors

Santa Barbara, CA – As the country tries to make sense of the recent tragedy in California, the nation’s elite are always quick to point out the answers to those of us who aren’t nearly as smart as they are….

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Posted in Politics

John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden

US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him.”

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Posted in Politics War Zone

The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

Russian separatists in Ukraine, eager to show the world just how diplomatic and democratic they are in their newly taken over territory, smashed voting tables, threatened vote takers and surrounded the home of a man vocally in support of elections…

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Posted in Entertainment Music

Former MTV Host Arrested For Breaking Into Sirius/XM Headquarters

New York City – Mark Goodman, a former VJ from the 1980’s heyday of MTV, was hauled away in handcuffs last week after being caught hitting the button that turns all Sirius/XM radios on, regardless of whether the customer has…

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Posted in Crime

California Considers Move to Ban ‘Blonde Sluts’ After Man Goes on Rampage Because He Never Got Any

Isla Vista, CA – A delusional, 22 year-old man went on a premeditated killing spree Friday night in an attempt to get “retribution”, as he stated it, for the slight he felt humanity had given him. His hatred focused on…

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Posted in Politics

President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers

Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody…

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Posted in Politics

NRA Succeeds In Taking Over U.S.- Bans All Amendments Except Second

The NRA has at last accomplished their goal of taking over the government of what was once was the United States of America. Initiating a ploy that they were rebels against an unfair, repressive political entity, they succeeding in hiding…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”. Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late…

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Posted in Entertainment

Walt Disney Raises Ticket Prices From Beyond the Grave

Anaheim, California – The Disney Corporation announced a $4 per ticket price increase this week for general admission tickets to both its Disneyland and Disney World theme parks. Disney executives cited the rising cost of power as the main reason…

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Posted in Politics

After a Day of Spinning, Jay Carney Requires Nearly a Pharmacy to Sleep at Night

Washington, D.C. – After an average day of spinning details of current events to make the President look good, no matter how bad the situation, White House spokesman, Jay Carney, needs practically an entire pharmacy to help him sleep at…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Television

Julianna Rose Maurelio, Stephanie from LazyTown, Dead of Apparent Suicide Overdose

Beloved and coveted former child actress and sex icon Julianna Rose Maurilio was found dead in her Bangkok apartment where she was staying while filming an upcoming feature. “Stephanie [from] LazyTown was on TV, I’m told,” said coroner Panupong Mantri….

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Gadgets & Gizmos

Cooper Brand Pooper Scoopers are Super-Duper Cooper Scoopers

Montgomery County, Pennsylvania – Assisting residents in cleaning up the debris left behind from their crushed dreams of having locally born celebrity, Bradley Cooper, win an Academy Award are Cooper Industries’ pooper scoopers that have been flying off the shelves…

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Posted in Entertainment Talky Pictures

Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film

I’m going to tell you up right up front that I have been a Godzilla fan since the first time I laid eyes on The Man in The Rubber Suit. Will Rogers has absolutely nothing on me: I’ve never met…

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Posted in Politics

John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed

Washington D.C. – Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for his orange hue and lack of spine when it comes to politics, was found this weekend in a dried-out, mummified state inside a tanning bed at a local salon….

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Entertainment

Pink Floyd to Release Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress

London – After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music and selling kazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children’s book this summer. Titled, “Dark Side of the Mattress”, the book promises…

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Posted in Television

Jake, From State Farm, Sues State Farm For Ruining His Dating Life

Bloomington, IL – The actor who plays “Jake, from State Farm”, we’ll call him Jake, from State Farm, in the famous insurance firm’s commercial, is suing the company for stereotyping him as “hideous” and ruining his love life. The actor…

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial Society

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Feds to tax bowling jackpots

Announcer: With the federal highway system continuing to deteriorate, President Obama has been looking for new ways to raise money including collecting tolls on the Interstates. Administration tax specialist Mr. I.R. Esse will be discussing this with Dick and Janey,…

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Posted in War Zone World News

Putin Drags Russia Back To The Czarist Times

We thought the Cold War was over. Now Vladimir Putin has taken his nation back beyond that to the time of the Czars. He himself is the new Czar. No joke. The man who tried so hard to show the…

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Posted in Talky Pictures

“I am not Seafood. I am… a Man”

When comedian Mel Brooks decided he wanted to take a break from comedy and produce a serious film, he settled on the story of Joseph Merrick, the famed “Elephant Man” of the Victorian England sideshow circuit. When it came to…

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Posted in Politics

Americans Debate Whether they Get Stuff Done

Dateline: WASHINGTON—Politicians rallied on Get Stuff Done Day, to reassure the American people that their government is in working order. Many boasted of their accomplishments while in office, describing in great detail the stuff in question.

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