Categorized | Politics

John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed

John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed

Washington D.C. – Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for his orange hue and lack of spine when it comes to politics, was found this weekend in a dried-out, mummified state inside a tanning bed at a local salon.

The Republican congressman from Ohio was found by a worker at the salon when Boehner hadn’t been seen for several hours and the employee thought they smelled something like BBQ rat smoking on a grill.

The employee speculated that the politician must have fallen asleep and, since none of them liked The Speaker anyway, nobody bothered to check on him. It appeared he didn’t set the timer so when he fell asleep he just kept on cooking.

Boehner was known at the tanning salon for the hickory-smoke scented tanning lotion he always applied to achieve the over-the-top, Doritos-colored tan he had become known for over the years.

Fellow congressman, Paul Ryan, said he had tried numerous times to get his friend to limit his time in the hot beds but Boehner wouldn’t listen. He insisted that it made him look younger and that “chicks dig a tan.”

Boehner had remarked privately that he couldn’t live with himself until he was “darker than Snooki, from Jersey Shore.” Now, he is.

Boehner’s family is currently kicking over options for the Speaker’s body. They will either donate his body to a museum that has a mummy exhibition, or cremate him and finish the already half-done job.

Hospital personnel tried to make Boehner cry, thinking his tears might rehydrate his body, but those attempts were unsuccessful. During an autopsy, conducted to rule out foul play, doctors were still unable to locate Boehner’s spine.

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