Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Man Flicking Hair off Kindle Screen Plunges Self Right into IMDb Spoilers Section

BOISE, ID—While browsing the Internet Movie Database on his Kindle Saturday evening, transit vehicle inspector Ted Coakley reportedly set out to remove a hair from the screen of the device by flicking it, causing him to plummet well into the…

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Posted in Politics

Senator Cruz Collapses During Affordable Care Act Filibuster, Needs Obamacare to Recover

While attempting a filibuster in Congress to stamp out the Affordable Care Act, snarkily known as the Obamacare bill by conservatives, Republican Senator Ted Cruz collapsed 15 hours into the epic attempt to derail the legislation. Cruz, an ardent Tea…

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Posted in Politics

Senator Ted Cruz Mutilated by Radical Liberals

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was admitted to the Specialty Hospital Of Washington in Washington DC, missing his nose confirmed party spokeswoman Eileen Wright. A visibly stunned Ms Wright kept shaking her head, but managed to tell reporters that earlier that…

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Posted in Biz News

Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

INDIANAPOLIS – Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life. Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her…

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Posted in Biz News War Zone

Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Today in Geneva the International Architects Association (the I. A. ASS) met to discuss their position on the use of nerve gas in warfare. Two factions have argued repeatedly about the issue, but never adopting a formal stance to lobby…

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Posted in Society

Dead Teen Suddenly Most Popular Kid in School

CUMBERLAND – Josh Stasiak, the tragic 13-year-old who was killed in an accident on the corner of Washington St and German Church Rd Wednesday, is suddenly the most popular kid at the school he attended since 2008. According to sources…

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Posted in Politics

Overpass for Impeachment Collapses

Karma struck on the I-5 Interstate in Carlsbad, California yesterday when one of the “Overpasses for Impeachment” collapsed, sending 12 people to the hospital. According to federal databases, the freeway overpass had recently been graded “functionally obsolete” but still legally…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Infamously Inflammatory Film Footage Found of Frisky Ironman ‘Fulfilling’ A Fabulous & Famous ‘Friend’

Ha! Ha! I have it! I have got the goods on that famous super hero Tony Stark, also known to the world as the crimson clad can of condensed carbon-steel contorted to his contours creating a cacophonous conjuring of conjunctures…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

Bovada.lv: Golden Spade Poker Open

Of all the great online poker tournaments offered by Poker.bovada.lv, the Golden Spade Poker Open is hands-down the biggest. With a guaranteed prize pool of $1,500,000, the largest in Bovada history, you have an excellent chance of winning a Bodog…

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy Strange People

UFO Sightings Reignite Debate Over Whether Intelligent Life Exists in Indiana

SCOTTSBURG – Following a spate of UFO sightings across southern Indiana Wednesday, debate has intensified once more over whether or not intelligent life exists inside the Hoosier State. Several disc-shaped crafts hovering over Scottsburg, Indiana were reported to local media…

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Posted in Travel

Indiana Fails to Make Top 50 ‘Most Interesting States In the Union’

INDIANAPOLIS – Following a year-long study by the United States Census Bureau, the state of Indiana found itself just missing out on a top fifty position in a list of the most interesting states in the union Saturday. Despite having…

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Posted in Politics

USA on High Alert As Bushes Threaten Yet Another Bush In Office

News sources have concurred that not one, but two other members of the Bush family are threatening to seek political seats in 2016. The same family who brought you Bush I, Iraq War I and Bush the Second, Iraq War…

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Posted in Society

Nation’s Evil Clowns Rally Against Murderous Stereotype

ANN ARBOR, MI—In response to recent stirs caused by the “Northampton Clown,” several members of the group Sensible Tricksters Against Bias gathered in the parking lot of an Ann Arbor area Home Depot to promote awareness that not all evil…

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Posted in Politics World News

Israel/Palestine Tentatively Agree to Two-State Solution

Our writer Barb Weir has been faithfully advocated peace both on Glossy News and directly to world leaders. What follows is an exclusive, and one provided to us on the strict confidence that we would not release it until the…

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Posted in Human Interest

How to initiate a Twerk Session

It’s a Friday night. Classes went well because you didn’t drool on your desk when you fell asleep during the lecture in Philosophy class, and the girl who sits behind you agreed to go to a house party with you…

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Posted in Society

Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years. Highly distraught over each and…

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Posted in Sports Sportsfolk

Biggest Winners of the 2013 US Open Tennis

The last tennis Grand Slam of the year is over. The US Open at Flushing Meadows was the setting for some of the best tennis action of the summer. Defending champions fell short, the finals served up No. 1 vs…

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Posted in Health

HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys

PORTLAND, Ore. — Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have developed a vaccine capable of clearing an HIV-like virus from primate test subjects and which is being hailed as a breakthrough discovery for people who have sex exclusively with…

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Posted in Top Stories

Four Lessons Learned from Decades Watching COPS

Decades of watching the FOX hit series COPS has taught me some wonderful life lessons. Specifically, it’s taught me how to spot and avoid drug addicts. The following observations don’t come from a single episode, but countless episodes spanning the…

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Posted in Politics War Zone

America’s Toughest Sheriff to Serve Border Duty in Syria

As violence continues to escalate in the Middle East, millions of refugees have been sent packing to neighboring countries. Many with no other choice but to illegally cross borders. Not one to take illegal border crossings lightly, self-billed “America’s Toughest…

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