SCOTTSBURG – Following a spate of UFO sightings across southern Indiana Wednesday, debate has intensified once more over whether or not intelligent life exists inside the Hoosier State.
Several disc-shaped crafts hovering over Scottsburg, Indiana were reported to local media yesterday, while as many as three Hoosiers claimed to have been kidnapped briefly by extraterrestrials.
According to psychologists at Indiana University, the claims appear to add weight to the argument that the state is devoid of any sort of sophisticated lifeforms.
“When you have almost two hundred people coming forward to report visions of flying saucers and advanced alien beings, eventually you start to sit up and take notice,” said Professor Melissa Short. “It’s a clear indication that the vast population of intelligent living organisms we once thought existed on the surface of present day Indiana may not exist after all.”
“The idea that Carl Sidcup – a mailman from Jeffersonville – could firmly believe he was abducted by alien lifeforms and subjected to horrible sexual scientific experiments leads you to draw only one conclusion: Mr Spock is truly alone in the universe.”
Dismissing the findings as “baseless science”, however, Author and respected local biologist Michael Deschamps insisted that, while there is no proof for the existence of advanced Indiana-dwelling lifeforms, recent studies at the Indianapolis Zoo point to the possibility that “a group of rational-thinking bipedal creatures might be roaming the surface as we speak.”
“They’re called chimpanzees,” said Deschamps. “We might be able to learn a thing or two from chimpanzees.”
The sightings come in the same week that an Indianapolis woman claimed to see the image of Jesus in a can of Spaghetti, prompting many to believe that the Lord Christ is set to return to Earth and smite the individual for being a moron.