Month: September 2013
USA on High Alert As Bushes Threaten Yet Another Bush In Office
News sources have concurred that not one, but two other members of the Bush family are threatening to seek political seats in 2016. The same family who brought you Bush I, Iraq War I and Bush the Second, Iraq War…
Nation’s Evil Clowns Rally Against Murderous Stereotype
ANN ARBOR, MI—In response to recent stirs caused by the “Northampton Clown,” several members of the group Sensible Tricksters Against Bias gathered in the parking lot of an Ann Arbor area Home Depot to promote awareness that not all evil…
Israel/Palestine Tentatively Agree to Two-State Solution
Our writer Barb Weir has been faithfully advocated peace both on Glossy News and directly to world leaders. What follows is an exclusive, and one provided to us on the strict confidence that we would not release it until the…
How to initiate a Twerk Session
It’s a Friday night. Classes went well because you didn’t drool on your desk when you fell asleep during the lecture in Philosophy class, and the girl who sits behind you agreed to go to a house party with you…
Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed
COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years. Highly distraught over each and…
HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys
PORTLAND, Ore. — Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have developed a vaccine capable of clearing an HIV-like virus from primate test subjects and which is being hailed as a breakthrough discovery for people who have sex exclusively with…
America’s Toughest Sheriff to Serve Border Duty in Syria
As violence continues to escalate in the Middle East, millions of refugees have been sent packing to neighboring countries. Many with no other choice but to illegally cross borders. Not one to take illegal border crossings lightly, self-billed “America’s Toughest…
Syria & the Ever-Changing Face of American Patriotism & International Responsibility
The American psyche sometimes goes through amazing changes. 12 years ago we couldn’t wait to get our hands on that ultimate harbinger of evil Saddam Hussein and his dire WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION (GASP!!!!!!!) and to send his bad self…
Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move
In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House. When reached for comment, President Obama said: “In order…
Wiretap Program ‘Proof That Government Listens to the People’
WASHINGTON – Countering suggestions that it is “out of touch” with the average American, the United States Government today declared that it always strives to listen to the voice of the people – citing its warrantless wiretap program as evidence….