Month: February 2013
CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013
Atlanta – The Center for Disease Control announced today that the terrible fever of Linsanity that swept New York City last year has finally subsided. Doctors say they feared the disease would spread to Houston, but were relived to find…
China Admits to Hacking US Computers
China’s military leaders admitted today that they have been hacking into American military and industrial computers since the advent of the internet. “Of course we’ve been hacking into American computers. You hack into ours, we hack into yours. That’s what…
FACT: Jon Stewart is the Most Honest Man in News?
Love him or hate him, if you follow politics, you know his name. Jon Stewart has been the host of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central for well over a decade, and he brings the new like…
India Wins Kashmir in Checkers Match
The world map has been redrawn after India won Kashmir by defeating Pakistan in a checkers match. According to correspondents on the ground, India pulled off a close victory by eliminating several red kings from the gameboard, leaving Pakistan boxed…
North Carolina Cracks Down on Plumber’s Crack
State representatives of North Carolina have introduced a bill that, if passed, would “clarify” an already existing state law to prohibit the display of butt cracks. The proposed legislation, House Bill (_!_), would make it a Class Preparation H felony…
Bob Simon brings peace to the Middle East
60 Minutes reporter Bob Simon waxed lyrical about Israel’s Iron Dome weapons system. “…a technological marvel, a cutting-edge weapon of war that even some pacifists might come to love. Instead of killing people, Iron Dome saves them.” “Will Israel’s ‘Iron…
Morons Protest Lack of Equality
Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons. The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue…
NASCAR Drivers Harassing Gordon On Starting Second Behind A Girl
Not everyone is celebrating Danica Patricks pole position qualifying run. Many of the other drivers are giving grief to Jeff Gordon on not beating Danica for that position. The irony that they qualified behind him is lost on many in…
Conservatives Furious Over Historical Implications Of Mississippi Error
Due to an error in not filing documents stating Mississippi’s ratification of the 13th amendment ending slavery, historical references will now show that slavery ended under President Obama’s second term. Speaker of the House John Boenher stated, “How many lucky…