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CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013

CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013

Atlanta – The Center for Disease Control announced today that the terrible fever of Linsanity that swept New York City last year has finally subsided.

Doctors say they feared the disease would spread to Houston, but were relived to find the disease had not spread.

“There were legitimate fears that Linsanity would be across the country by now,” says lead lab analyst Caprice Jenkins. “After Jeremy Lin’s trade to Houston, we thought for sure we’d find it there. Not to mention, every one in this office thought he would be traded long before the deadline, obviously increasing the chances of the infection spreading to another major metropolitan area.”

RIGHT: Jeremy Lin spreads Linsanity simply by touching basketballs (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The CDC ensured certain measures were taken to limit the potentially devastating effects of Linsanity, although some things were a happy accident.

“Thankfully the people of Houston don’t care for basketball,” explains Dr. Thomas Freiden. “Even the people who are in the Toyota Center at the same time as Jeremy Lin tend to be texting, having a conversation with those around, or eating. This results in a limited exposure to Jeremy Lin, which has reduced cases of Linsanity indefinitely.”

When asked about the possibility of future contamination, Dr. Frieden responded by saying “Absolutely. These things are bound to pop up from time to time. I’m sure the Rockets can find a better starting point guard. How do you think James Harden feels? Westbrook and Maynor for Lin? I’ve played some Harvard boys in five-on-five pick up games, and let me tell you, if Houston knows whats good for them, they’ll trade him.”

Despite Jeremy Lin’s above average numbers, and a seemingly coherent fast break system; experts say he is overpaid, and a collegiate prospect away from being on the move.

In the event of a possible trade for Jeremy Lin, the CDC reassured the public that they would be ready. What they hope for is that he will move to another city that has good basketball programs to attract him, but no media market share. Ideal places for Jeremy Lin to sink in to obscurity are Minneapolis and Milwaukee.

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This post was written by

- who has written 44 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

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5 Responses to “CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013”

  1. linsane says:

    You spelled “Houston” and “overpaid” incorrectly. Good work.

  2. Chris Carrero says:

    you received plenty of attention as a child, as well as possibly a few too many bumps to the head! luv ya bro!

  3. Jason Velez says:

    ok, typos are fixed. my bad. i was too busy watching the rockets thunder game and i over looked some things. can you believe harden? he’s a monster.

  4. Trevor Kirpaul says:

    This is the mother f***ng realest s**t I've ever read in my entire life.

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