Month: February 2013
Conductor Unveils “Reduced Fat Orchestra”
NEW YORK CITY – A conductor is drawing wide attention for his decision to present a “Reduced Fat Orchestra” to future audiences. Tomasso Fillipo Rivelli, 32, came to the conclusion after getting word that Congressman Paul Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity”…
Aliens Discover “Satire” through Articles on Obama–Mistake it for Hero Worship
Five thousand years into the future, an intelligent extra-terrestrial species called The Collective uncovered a solitary data storage chip amongst the rubble once known as Earth and took it back to their ship for examination. Though initially puzzled by the…
Local Angler Suddenly Better Than Long-time Fishing Buddies
Florida native and longtime saltwater angler, Clayton Moore, announced to friends this afternoon that, due to his recent purchase of a fly rod, he is now a better fisherman than they are. “I’ve suspected it for a while but when…
NRA Takes Battle to New Level; Buys Death Star
The NRA has upped its political game with the acquisition of the Death Star made famous from the Star Wars movie franchise. Thought to have been totally destroyed following a second massive attack by impudent rebel forces in the third…
How to Train Navy SEALS as a Stay-at-Home Parent
AUSTIN, TX—Are you a stay-at-home mom or dad? Do you have dreams of entering an elite division of the military like the U.S. Navy SEALS or the Green Berets but feel like you just don’t have the time to prepare?…
State Mottos Change in Several States This Year to Attract Tourism
States are constantly re-inventing themselves this time of year, vying for tourist dollars. The better the state motto on license plates and brochures, the more interest they can garner, which translates into more visitors come spring and summer. Still, some…
Pot and Bongo Fest Expected to Draw Huge Crowds
The First Annual Pot and Bongo Fest scheduled to be held this year is expected to draw huge crowds from all over the world. “Since this is the first festival in the country featuring legalized marijuana, we can’t put a…
Israel Kicks Off Palestinian Space Program
An Exodus rocket launched three Israeli astronauts and 100 Palestinian refugees into orbit Wednesday, kicking off a ten-year mission to establish a permanent human colony on the surface of Mars. The rocket roared into mostly clear skies from the Gaza…
Monsanto seeks patent on child
Biotechnology giant Monsanto Corporation announced today that it is seeking a patent on one of its research employee’s children. “If the patent is granted,” said Monsanto attorney Seth “Kendall” Waxman”, “this organism cannot be used for further reproduction without Monsanto…
The NRA to Use ‘Puppy Eyes’ to Win Favor In Public Debate
The NRA in its constant quest for keeping up a good image of itself, keeping guns in as many hands as possible, controlling the minds of the public and keeping a stranglehold on Congress has developed a new methodology for…