Posted in Internets Tubes

Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job

God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier. “Now she will make something…

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy Technology

Study Finds Earth May Once Have Harbored Intelligent Life

BOSTON, MA – A 5-year study carried out by Harvard University’s Geological department has determined that, at some point in its relatively recent history, the planet Earth likely supported intelligent life. Analysis drawn from a collection of rock samples taken…

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Posted in Human Interest Television

‘Breaking Bad’ Candy Store Now Offering Build-Your-Own Meth Lab Play Set

NEW MEXICO–Somewhere in the quiet suburbs of Albuquerque, set against the backdrop of the Sandia mountain range, a small confectionery store just “broke bad”. Again. The same store that brought your kids the beloved blue meth candy is proud to…

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Posted in Health Politics

Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines

Conservative icon and shockingly good dancer Marcus Bachmann is in the news again, following allegations that he had inappropriate contact with one of his “patients” at his “pray the gay away” clinic. “Well we all know what’s straight and what…

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Posted in Politics

Obama Resigns… Almost

In a surprise announcement, Barack Obama has decided to step down. Foregoing the balance of his second term, the President will pass on the executive reins of government to his vice president, Joe Biden. Obama revealed his decision during his…

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Posted in Politics Television

SNL Caught ‘Rounding Second’ with Obama–World Shocked

The signs, though subtle and unseen by many, were always there. The episode before last of the much loved, sketch comedy TV show only underscored the true reality of their relationship. After Seth Meyers, the Weekend Update news anchor, more…

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Posted in Health

Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat…

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Posted in Crime

Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own

INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own. Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of…

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Posted in Health Politics

Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia

Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man. “I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s…

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Posted in Biz News

We Need More Debt, Please

My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him…

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Posted in Human Interest Strange People

“Scientists”: This Year Officially Does Not Exist

In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a. “The issue…

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Posted in Crime Strange People

“Hopefully, One Day I’ll Finish The Job By Capping Paul And Ringo” – Mark David Chapman

Chilling words indeed from the slayer of former Beatle, John Lennon – but this is exactly what a former cellmate of the Catcher In The Rye freak alleges was said to him during a private conversation with Chapman. “We were…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

Youngster Shocked Sam Adams More than Just “Dead Beer Guy”

BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture this past New Year’s–and, man, would his dad have…

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Posted in Sports Sports Scandals

Humorist Admits to Banned Substances, Lying, Coverup

[Tim Jones is a regular contributor to Glossy News and has his own humor blog called View from the Bleachers. In a shocking press conference, Jones admitted to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are…

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Posted in Talky Pictures

George Lucas Announces Ban on Special Effects

Star Wars creator George Lucas has created massive controversy by issuing an executive order outlawing all special effects in feature film productions. The law, which will go into effect at the beginning of February, is described by the veteran filmmaker…

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Posted in Crime Society

Pro-Gunners Disapprove Label “Sandy Hookers”

In an unsurprising turn of events, the pro-gunners like Wayne LaPierre of the NRA have come out publicly to insist they do not like being called “Sandy Hookers”. They have also said they don’t like being called “pro-gunners”. “Just because…

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Posted in Television

From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360

Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being…

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Posted in Sportsfolk

Packer Backer Quackers

A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts. Normally Wisconsinites are…

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Posted in Society Strange People

Conservative Decorator Caught Gerrymandering Furniture

Gobbler’s Knob, PA – Conservative decorator William James has long been a fixture in this town with his drab color schemes and patriotic flag motifs. Scandal erupted this week when it was alleged that he gerrymandered furniture to better suit…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

Boyfriend Somehow Given Final Say Over Which of These 2 Dresses Goes Best with The White Heels

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite possessing virtually no discernible fashion sense or understanding of basic color-coordination, local boyfriend Joseph Clapham was somehow given final say Thursday over which of these two dresses goes best with the white heels. Happy himself to just…

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