Posted in Internets Tubes

Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job

God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier. “Now she will make something…

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy Technology

Study Finds Earth May Once Have Harbored Intelligent Life

BOSTON, MA – A 5-year study carried out by Harvard University’s Geological department has determined that, at some point in its relatively recent history, the planet Earth likely supported intelligent life. Analysis drawn from a collection of rock samples taken…

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Posted in Human Interest Television

‘Breaking Bad’ Candy Store Now Offering Build-Your-Own Meth Lab Play Set

NEW MEXICO–Somewhere in the quiet suburbs of Albuquerque, set against the backdrop of the Sandia mountain range, a small confectionery store just “broke bad”. Again. The same store that brought your kids the beloved blue meth candy is proud to…

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Posted in Health Politics

Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines

Conservative icon and shockingly good dancer Marcus Bachmann is in the news again, following allegations that he had inappropriate contact with one of his “patients” at his “pray the gay away” clinic. “Well we all know what’s straight and what…

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Posted in Politics

Obama Resigns… Almost

In a surprise announcement, Barack Obama has decided to step down. Foregoing the balance of his second term, the President will pass on the executive reins of government to his vice president, Joe Biden. Obama revealed his decision during his…

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Posted in Politics Television

SNL Caught ‘Rounding Second’ with Obama–World Shocked

The signs, though subtle and unseen by many, were always there. The episode before last of the much loved, sketch comedy TV show only underscored the true reality of their relationship. After Seth Meyers, the Weekend Update news anchor, more…

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Posted in Health

Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat…

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Posted in Crime

Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own

INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own. Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of…

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Posted in Health Politics

Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia

Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man. “I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s…

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