Month: January 2013
Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Sarah Palin Job
God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier. “Now she will make something…
Study Finds Earth May Once Have Harbored Intelligent Life
BOSTON, MA – A 5-year study carried out by Harvard University’s Geological department has determined that, at some point in its relatively recent history, the planet Earth likely supported intelligent life. Analysis drawn from a collection of rock samples taken…
‘Breaking Bad’ Candy Store Now Offering Build-Your-Own Meth Lab Play Set
NEW MEXICO–Somewhere in the quiet suburbs of Albuquerque, set against the backdrop of the Sandia mountain range, a small confectionery store just “broke bad”. Again. The same store that brought your kids the beloved blue meth candy is proud to…
Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines
Conservative icon and shockingly good dancer Marcus Bachmann is in the news again, following allegations that he had inappropriate contact with one of his “patients” at his “pray the gay away” clinic. “Well we all know what’s straight and what…
Obama Resigns… Almost
In a surprise announcement, Barack Obama has decided to step down. Foregoing the balance of his second term, the President will pass on the executive reins of government to his vice president, Joe Biden. Obama revealed his decision during his…
SNL Caught ‘Rounding Second’ with Obama–World Shocked
The signs, though subtle and unseen by many, were always there. The episode before last of the much loved, sketch comedy TV show only underscored the true reality of their relationship. After Seth Meyers, the Weekend Update news anchor, more…
Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval
Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat…
Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own
INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own. Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of…
Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia
Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man. “I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s…
We Need More Debt, Please
My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him…