Month: January 2013
“Scientists”: This Year Officially Does Not Exist
In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a. “The issue…
“Hopefully, One Day I’ll Finish The Job By Capping Paul And Ringo” – Mark David Chapman
Chilling words indeed from the slayer of former Beatle, John Lennon – but this is exactly what a former cellmate of the Catcher In The Rye freak alleges was said to him during a private conversation with Chapman. “We were…
Youngster Shocked Sam Adams More than Just “Dead Beer Guy”
BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture this past New Year’s–and, man, would his dad have…
Humorist Admits to Banned Substances, Lying, Coverup
[Tim Jones is a regular contributor to Glossy News and has his own humor blog called View from the Bleachers. In a shocking press conference, Jones admitted to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are…
George Lucas Announces Ban on Special Effects
Star Wars creator George Lucas has created massive controversy by issuing an executive order outlawing all special effects in feature film productions. The law, which will go into effect at the beginning of February, is described by the veteran filmmaker…
Pro-Gunners Disapprove Label “Sandy Hookers”
In an unsurprising turn of events, the pro-gunners like Wayne LaPierre of the NRA have come out publicly to insist they do not like being called “Sandy Hookers”. They have also said they don’t like being called “pro-gunners”. “Just because…
From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360
Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being…
Packer Backer Quackers
A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts. Normally Wisconsinites are…
Conservative Decorator Caught Gerrymandering Furniture
Gobbler’s Knob, PA – Conservative decorator William James has long been a fixture in this town with his drab color schemes and patriotic flag motifs. Scandal erupted this week when it was alleged that he gerrymandered furniture to better suit…
Boyfriend Somehow Given Final Say Over Which of These 2 Dresses Goes Best with The White Heels
INDIANAPOLIS – Despite possessing virtually no discernible fashion sense or understanding of basic color-coordination, local boyfriend Joseph Clapham was somehow given final say Thursday over which of these two dresses goes best with the white heels. Happy himself to just…