Categorized | Health, Politics

Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines

Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines

Conservative icon and shockingly good dancer Marcus Bachmann is in the news again, following allegations that he had inappropriate contact with one of his “patients” at his “pray the gay away” clinic.

“Well we all know what’s straight and what isn’t,” said Davis Germaine, attorney for the victim. “But it seems he wants to redraw the lines for what is and isn’t gay in a way more favorable to him.”

Some of the more liberal liberals have argued that gay should indeed be a black and white issue, but that the lines should be redrawn to include more of the territory sought after by gays.

“We’d like [oral sex] to be considered straight,” said noted man-whore Willy Willy-Won’the, a local celebrity in Seattle’s Capital Hill neighborhood. “If it’s a straight guy going down on me, I think that’s still straight. Let’s push for that.”

Conservative stalwart Armand Pyles took issue with that statement. “No, such acts are strictly forbidden, and anyone who engages in them is being sinful,” adding, “but if a straight man climbs behind another straight man, in the absense of a woman, I guess that could be considered straight.”

We attempted a followup question with Pyles, but his assistant, a sleek, 19-year-old Thai “boy” with no shoes insisted that the interview was over.

Firebrand congresswoman Michele Bachmann, wife and beard of Mr. Bachmann, gave us only a few words, but insisted that, “My husband is as straight as the day is long.” When we pointed out to her that it’s winter and the days are unusually short, she only smiled, pointed at us, and nodded her creepy porcelain doll face with a knowing look.

“Listen dude, Marcus is the bomb dizzle!” said recent Bachmann Counseling graduate and proud, straight American Bruce Namewithheld. “At first the Friday pants-off parties didn’t convince all of us, but by the fun-day Sunday’s (with sundaes to boot) moved most of us back over to straight. And the personal time we spent with him. Let me just say one word… delicious!”

“Hey baby,” said Azanthanine, a proud woman working burlesque on the strip, “If he wants to draw some new lines, he can start here with me, because I’ve got some boundaries he’s well welcome to push.”

Marcus Bachmann himself has refused to comment on this story, though he did bump his hips around a bit when we ran a funky rumba at high volume in front of his house.

Much much less on this story as it fails to develop.


This post was written by

- who has written 541 posts on

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.


2 Responses to “Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines”

  1. Mike Kelly says:

    He really is too easy of a target. I have many friends who are straighter than he is.

  2. Brian White says:

    I sent this story to a friend and he felt I was still gay-bashing. Like the fact that Marcus is in the closet doesn't make it right, it's still pure hate against a gay person.

    Mind you, though married and technically straight, he does decorate well, accessorize like nobody's business, and own the entire Scissor Sisters catalog.

    Should I have backed off a bit on this one, in your opinion, or not run it at all?


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