Year: 2012
Lloyd Blankfein Will NOT Be Romney’s Secretary of the Treasury
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has disclosed to an anonymous source that he probably will not appoint Lloyd Blankfein to the office of Secretary of the Treasury. Blankfein is CEO of Goldman Sachs, one of the nation’s most distinguished financial enterprises….
Weather (man) Beaten
A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices. The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing…
Millions of Children Suddenly Disappear and Reappear While Getting Dressed
Parents are still coping with the devastation left by this morning’s widespread disappearance of children across the US. Panic swept the nation as millions of households counted the youngest members of their families among those missing. “He was there one…
Tea Party’s Bold Plans to Eliminate the Debt Completely by December 17th
Last summer, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to…
Flex Seal Product Allows Poland to Realize Dream of Screen-Door Submarine
Gdynia – A simple household product has the potential to destabilize the balance of naval power in the Baltic Sea. Two Cold War era Polish submarines, both of which had sunk immediately after their initial launch, were recently raised from…
Justin Bieber Seeks Counseling after Suffering from ‘Normal Thoughts’
LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, and almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had…
Martian Emperor: Hands off Our Water
MARTIAN EQUATOR – Following the successful landing of NASA’s Mars Rover early this morning, the President of Mars has released a statement to Earth’s leaders, insisting: “hands off our water or there will be consequences.” Speaking today from the planet’s…
NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?
In a move that surprised few, the broadcast rights for the 2013-2015 seasons of the National Football League (NFL) have been sold to a non-television entity. What was a surprise, however, is that the broadcast rights have been sold to…
Wall Street Puzzled as Starbucks Expands Into Hospice
SEATTLE, WA. At their annual shareholders meeting in Seattle last week, Starbucks Coffee Company made the startling announcement of a new alliance between Starbucks and the Hospice Foundation of America. Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, told an excited latte-infused crowd of…
Israel’s “War With Iran” Roadshow Ready For Tour
Not content with mere headlines, the Benjamin Netanyahu War-With-Iran-Roadshow is about to get underway. A contingent of drummers, buglers, and dancing dwarfs will parade on American streets beating out their music, using the key refrain, “War with Iran! War with…