Gdynia – A simple household product has the potential to destabilize the balance of naval power in the Baltic Sea. Two Cold War era Polish submarines, both of which had sunk immediately after their initial launch, were recently raised from the depths of the harbor at the northern Polish port of Gdynia.
While in dry dock, the screen doors of both boats, which Polish officials suspect were the cause of each sinking, were thoroughly sprayed and sealed with Flex Seal, a liquid rubber sealant guaranteed to “coat, seal, and stop leaks fast.”
Cost of each retrofit has been estimated at $19.99 per boat, which the Polish government will be paying off in 30-year treasury bonds.
The first sub is expected to be launched from its dry dock in Gdynia sometime next spring, with WWII hero Major Andrjez Wojciechowski, the Polish Air Force kamikaze pilot who managed to survive all 42 of his missions, sponsoring the boat.
Named the Zaloguj, which means “log” or “lump of wood,” the submarine will become the 632nd most advanced naval vessel stationed in European waters, right behind Romania’s fleet of circa 1890’s coal/oar-powered river patrol boats.
Major Wojciechowski has been a subject of an ongoing police investigation in recent weeks after his arrest for stealing free samples from a Krakow Costco; however, this controversy is not expected to affect his participation in the re-commissioning ceremony.
No timetable has yet to be set for the launching of second sub, the Ziemniak (“potato”) which is held up by hardline Polish nationalists who wish to re-launch the sub with its original, unsealed screen door configuration.
Naw, they’re still working on that light bulb gig. BOOM! Now they’ll be after me.
Polish people everywhere are now out to get you.
No longer only available to backwards governments and the late-night, unemployed infomercial crowd: https://www.getflexseal.com/
nice. dreams do come true, then. also, where can i get a bottle of this? or is the contract restricted to the military?