MARTIAN EQUATOR – Following the successful landing of NASA’s Mars Rover early this morning, the President of Mars has released a statement to Earth’s leaders, insisting: “hands off our water or there will be consequences.”
Speaking today from the planet’s equator – some 270 miles away from where Curiosity landed Monday – Emperor Pyomdix Wuppa III said any encroachment on Mars’s water supply – or indeed its life forms – would “constitute a direct violation of intergalactic law.”
“What human scientists and financiers are proposing will not be tolerated by the Martian population,” he said. “Our very existence depends entirely on the presence of water and if it is interfered with, the Earthlings will pay.”
“I’m not kidding,” he continued.
Wuppa’s comments come as scientists on Earth continue to operate unmanned drones on the surface of Mars – something that Wuppa insists contravenes interplanetary privacy laws.
“I refuse to allow this beautiful planet to become subject to oppressive surveillance measures,” continued the emperor. “The Martian population is a private population and we intend to keep it that way.”
“I will say it again: back off.”
Responding to Emperor Wuppa’s comments, meanwhile, U.S. President Barack Obama has moved to reassure his galactic counterpart that Curiosity would not interfere with the planet’s perceived water supply and is designed only to look for signs of life.
“Look, we have no vested interest in Martian water,” he said. “Last time I checked, we had a healthy balance of the stuff right here on Earth.”
“Furthermore, I want to assure Emperor Wuppa that NASA has no immediate intention to send humans to his planet. Hell, we can’t even afford to go back to the moon, never mind Mars. It will be many thousands of years before the U.S. Government finally gets around to authorizing such an expedition.”