Month: October 2012
The Rumble: Stewart vs. O’Reilly… Stewart Won
This wasn’t the most anticipated pay-per-view event of the year, but it was big enough to crash the livestream servers. Sure it was only $5 a pop, but half the money went to charity, and at the end of the…
Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating
GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college. “It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy…
Romney Post Debate Strategy: Flip-Flop More
The first presidential debate has inspired Romney campaign officials to change their overall strategy in order to gain a higher percentage of the upcoming vote. After demonstrating his ability to completely drop previous positions, and offer new policies without concern…
Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare
BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself. The Christian leader landed…
These Are The Guys Who Are Going To Set The Nation Straight?
Let me see if I got this straight: We have a national election going on. Only two guys are really running in it. Both are spending obscene amounts of money to campaign for it. Mostly other people’s money. Both are…
North Korea Develops Slingshot Capable of Reaching North Korea
SEOUL – North Korea’s official news agency today announced the development of a highly advanced slingshot capable of hitting its own territory or fifty feet, whichever comes first. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un spent time touring the new facility which…
Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles
SEYMOUR, IN – Though it has mostly deteriorated following decades of adverse weather conditions, poor upkeep and termite infestation, a pathetic and dilapidated barn remains the single most exciting thing for about a hundred miles. Constructed in the 1920s, the…
iPosture: Junk Gadget and Total Ripoff
Earlier this year my wife saw a clever gadget on television. It’s called the iPosture; a button-sized gizmo that promises to correct your posture with a quiet, subtle vibrating reminder. The only problem is that it’s a massive ripoff. We…
Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary
WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary. Speaking over a bullhorn,…
Cookie Monster “Loses Cookies” at Local Grocery
NEW YORK–Sesame Street star Cookie Monster was admitted to an unnamed psychiatric center following a cookie incident at Hooper’s Store. The beloved character filled twenty shopping carts with cookies before being approached by store personnel. Onlookers described the puppet as…