Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare

BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal immigrant” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.”

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Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher.

Republicans quickly learned of his arrival and dispatched a team of representatives to greet the leader and make sure he was on their side of the political spectrum. Upon hearing about the free medical services he was providing to local residents, the GOP quickly asked Jesus to make sure and charge the individuals a standard doctor’s fee since “Republicans offering free medical services is not something that corresponds with Republican values.”

Jesus quickly refused to charge for the services rendered. Upon explaining that he had come back to heal the sick and feed the needy for free, Republicans again demanded that he instead charge for services rendered “like every other red-blooded American.”

Jesus responded by going to a local hospital and curing every single patient in addition to paying their outstanding medical bills and giving them free food for life.

Angry Republicans quickly tied Jesus to a pickup truck and drove him to the nearest Republican headquarters. GOP leaders placed a contract in front of Jesus demanding that he “cease and desist all forms of liberal or otherwise unconditionally compassionate activities.” Jesus refused to sign the contract and instead transformed the pen in front of him into a loaf of bread.

Furious, the Republicans began constructing a cross by destroying office furniture and placed the contraption on the front lawn of their offices. Jesus willingly climbed up the cross and shouted “Obama 2012!” before drawing his last breath.

Sources indicate that Jesus may come back from the dead in three days as a zombie to feast on the brains of Republicans. Food stations are standing by to care for Jesus as he may very well starve otherwise.

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

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