Posted in Top Stories

Truck Spills Thousands of Gallons of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning

VOLUSIA COUNTY, FL – A semi truck carrying thousands of gallons of beer overturned in Volusia County early Tuesday morning, spilling beer over the northbound lanes of I-95. Police say hundreds of cases of bottled beer were lost in one…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

George Tierney Exclusive Interview… yes, George Tierney from Greenville, SC

It was just yesterday when I saw the latest accidental celebrity create himself on the interwebs. It seems one George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, SC decided it was okay to get in a pissing match with tbogg from FireDogLake. Fark.com…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Strange People

Osama bin Laden’s Post Mortem Bestsellers

It seems some of our most beloved Middle-eastern dictators penned a few novels before their untimely demises. Momar Khaddafi had written a romance novel before his beating by his own people and his buddy Saddam Hussein before his capture had…

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Posted in Top Stories

“Georgetown University Girl is Loco”

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez. Maria: “We’ve been very busy covering the Syrian rebellion from the Greek Isles, and according to all the guys we’ve interviewed here, it’s not going too well in Syria.”

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Posted in Politics

Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has officially declared a state-wide emergency burn ban in response to reports that dozens of campaign signs on behalf of the embattled governor are going up in flames. The move, while politically necessary according to sources…

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Posted in World News

Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

BERLIN, GERMANY —GlossyNews Chancellor Merkel of Germany said she would readily agree to stimulating Greece in their G-spot. Germany’s “Iron Lady” says she will use her newly created device called a “Euro-do”, thusly named as it inserts the Euro into…

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Posted in Politics

“Men in Suits” determine the future of the GOP

Several suited men are pouring over papers scattered on a desk before them. “So, it comes down to this: The Corporations are deciding on either Gingrich or Santorum to be the Republican representative for the Republican platform in the Presidential…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Music Top Stories

Octomom weds Chaz Bono

Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Barack Obama Thanks Bristol Palin for Unsolicited Parental Advice

Barack Obama made certain that he acknowledged the wise words he received indirectly Friday from Bristol Palin with regards to his stance on same-sex marriage. “We are just incredibly thankful to have someone as mature and wise as Bristol Palin…

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Posted in Politics

Pay-per-view Presidential Debates

It is the dark, painful secret of broadcast journalism. Dedicated professionals actually work tirelessly to produce that lowest common denominator pabulum known as ‘mainstream media.’ Insiders admit the fare is about as nutritious as rice cakes dipped in excrement, but…

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Posted in Politics

Gingrich Halted By Month-old Shooting

BATON ROUGE, LA —EBBQ Newt Gingrich hastily called a press conference after appearing on Sean Hannity’s FOXNEWS telecast. He said in opening the sparsely attended 2-reporter conference: “I was completely misquoted in my answer to Sean where he said that…

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Posted in World News

Weekly Political Wrap Up Includes Syria’s Lack of Legitimacy

On Monday, President Barack Obama called for a big deficit reduction package to go along with raising the debt ceiling, saying to a reluctant Congress that “it’s time to pull off the band-aid. Eat our peas.”  Authorities are investigating why…

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Posted in Health

Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption

Long after contemporary pundits have passed on to their respective rewards (7th level of Dante’s Inferno) historians may characterize the Affordable Healthcare Act as 2700 pages of unintended consequences. That possibility loomed larger this week as Ford Motor Company triggered…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Internets Tubes

Dang It, Google Drive, Be Rational

Google Drive is the latest entry in the cloud backup and storage game. They offer mad amounts of storage at unbelievably reasonable prices, but they still fairly suck as bad as any of their competitors, and we just have to…

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Posted in Religionism Society

Scientists Discover 21 Benefits to Burkas

Burkas are the head to toe traditional wear for adult females in the most fundamentalist of Islamic countries. They are designed to cover up all possibilities of erotic stimulation coming from even the oldest of women. Standard wear in much…

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Posted in Crime Politics

The Supreme Scrap in Wisconsin

The underside of the dark and dangerous judicial branch was exposed last year when Justice Walsh Bradley accused fellow Justice David Prosser of putting her in a “choke hold” during debate of the constitutionality of the controversial bill eliminating collective…

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Posted in World News

BRICS Loses Vowel, Member After Olympic-Sized Insult

Search for replacement country yields bric-a-brac NEW DELHI – The organization of emerging economies, formerly known as BRICS, is struggling after the loss of the only member-state that contributed a vowel to the snappy acronym. At their most recent gathering,…

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Posted in Top Stories

Forgotten Gods Seize Egypt

Just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, few outside the cast of History Channel’s popular ‘Ancient Aliens’ program foresaw this week’s developments. Much to the surprise of the Muslim brotherhood, it appears Osiris, Isis, Horus, Anubis, and a host of…

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Posted in Science

Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

A new warning from the Astronomers Sociological Studies (ASS) group is being circulated around college campuses nationwide advising that this month’s full moon on May 5th may have a stronger gravitational pull than any in past months. An ASS member…

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Posted in War Zone World News

Gaddafi Diary Excerpts Released

Libya’s Revolutionary Council announced today the discovery of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s personal journals. According to sources, the writings span nearly the entire life of the enigmatic autocrat. The story of how the writings saw daylight is said to be nearly…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Non-aborted Person Complains About Lot in Life

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Posted in Sports Events Sports Scandals

IOC Announces Compulsory Drug Use for London Olympics

After decades of what could only be described as a tail-chasing nightmare of anabolic proportions, International Olympic Committee president Jaques Rogge has announced that this years London Olympics will involve compulsory performance enhancing drug use for all competitors.

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