Truck Spills Thousands of Gallons of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning

VOLUSIA COUNTY, FL – A semi truck carrying thousands of gallons of beer overturned in Volusia County early Tuesday morning, spilling beer over the northbound lanes of I-95.

Police say hundreds of cases of bottled beer were lost in one of the worst beer spills in recent history.

The driver, Spuds Rodriguez from Miami, who suffered nothing more than a bruised ego, claims another semi forced him off the road, causing him to lose control of the truck carrying the valuable cargo. Here’s what he had to say: Read more Truck Spills Thousands of Gallons of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning

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George Tierney Exclusive Interview… yes, George Tierney from Greenville, SC

It was just yesterday when I saw the latest accidental celebrity create himself on the interwebs. It seems one George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, SC decided it was okay to get in a pissing match with tbogg from FireDogLake. Fark.com and others quickly picked it up, and I was the first to reach the man himself for an exclusive interview, which follows. Read more George Tierney Exclusive Interview… yes, George Tierney from Greenville, SC

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Osama bin Laden’s Post Mortem Bestsellers

It seems some of our most beloved Middle-eastern dictators penned a few novels before their untimely demises. Momar Khaddafi had written a romance novel before his beating by his own people and his buddy Saddam Hussein before his capture had written four romance (!) novels and had finished another in his prison cell before his execution. Read more Osama bin Laden’s Post Mortem Bestsellers

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Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has officially declared a state-wide emergency burn ban in response to reports that dozens of campaign signs on behalf of the embattled governor are going up in flames.

The move, while politically necessary according to sources close to Walker, may totally backfire as more and more Cheeseheads realize their backyard bratwurst grilling will be severely curtailed.

“I have the entire clan coming for Memorial Day,” said Lester “Les” Wlkjkewsowski, a life-long resident of Fox Point, Wisconsin. “We were planning our annual three-day wurst fest when news of the burn ban hit.” Read more Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election

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Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

BERLIN, GERMANY —GlossyNews Chancellor Merkel of Germany said she would readily agree to stimulating Greece in their G-spot. Germany’s “Iron Lady” says she will use her newly created device called a “Euro-do”, thusly named as it inserts the Euro into the economy as a sexual stimulant device, an effect that is similar to the use of a dildo – named the “dildo effect”. Read more Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

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“Men in Suits” determine the future of the GOP

Several suited men are pouring over papers scattered on a desk before them.

“So, it comes down to this: The Corporations are deciding on either Gingrich or Santorum to be the Republican representative for the Republican platform in the Presidential election.” stated the man in the gray suit.

“We’ll make sure that the other candidates fall by the wayside after the South Carolina Primary. Romney just won’t make a strong enough puppet for us to get our bills passed through Congress. If we are going to be the Marines for getting Corporate control of America then we are going to need a strong front man we can work through. Read more “Men in Suits” determine the future of the GOP

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