Month: June 2010
FEMA Releases Prep Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact
Not ready for a potential meteor impact that could destroy all life as we know it? Download FEMA’s preparation guide and feel better about attempting to protect your family.
Lady Gaga Bra Injures Dancers in Rehearsal
Los Angeles, CA – Little did Lady Gaga realize that the special rifle bra that was created for her “Alejandro” video actually was made from real rifles strapped to the front of the bra in such a way that when…
Far Right Kicks Off ‘Cheney For Dictator’ Campaign
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION in Northern Southern Wyoming (GlossyNews) — The wheels are already grinding under the Dick Cheney for Dictator campaign of 2012. The former President of Vice of the United States announced his candidacy at a meeting of Corporations For…
Sexless Couple Protects World from Creeping Metaphor
CHOPPER KNOB, Texas (GlossyNews) — Joe and Loretta McClure, who have not laid a finger on one another in the last 20 years of marriage, are local heroes after assassinating a coral snake they spotted last Sunday afternoon. The McClures…
Testimony Begins in Sloth Abuse Trial
TEMPLE, Texas (GlossyNews) — A jury of seven men and five women are listening to eyewitness testimony in the trial of impatient businessman Ron Martin, who battered 90-year-old Doris Sloth with a bag of frozen okra after she took twenty…
Study Reveals Jobless Feel Frustrated
WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Delores Delgado, Under Assistant Secretary for the Obvious today held a joint news conference with NIH director Dr. Gary Carey, to announce results of a five year research project many found alarming and disturbing. Per the…
Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His Own
WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) -– Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick. However, even with…
Stupid Adventure Girl Feared Safe
ANTOFAGASTA, Chile (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. OK, when that little boy climbed Everest, we thought it was sweet. He was with his Poppy, and there’s a mob of helpers and guides on…
McCartney Comment Prompts Look Inside Bush’s Library
ODESSA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Aside from a few die-hard Republicans who can’t bring themselves to believe that George W. Bush is not the sharpest tool in the shed, most people thought Paul McCartney’s joke regarding George Bush not knowing what…
Scientists Redefine Kilogram Using Mass of Local Chicago Man
After much debate, the International Bureau of Weights and Measures (IBWM) has finally agreed to peg the exalted kilogram to the consistently stable weight of Chicago area man Travis Phillips.