Stupid Adventure Girl Feared Safe

ANTOFAGASTA, Chile (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

OK, when that little boy climbed Everest, we thought it was sweet. He was with his Poppy, and there’s a mob of helpers and guides on those trips. I’m not discounting the achievement in any way, but you have to admit? Getting rich people to the top of Everest is about the only cash business in Nepal. Give those Sherpas $20K, they’ll carry you to the summit piggy back. I’m not saying anything we don’t all know, right?

But this dumb broad who has herself stranded in the Indian Ocean, that’s totally different. I’ll tell you one thing? That chica is lucky Maria and Consuela Lopez aren’t on the rescue fleet headed her way. We’d jerk her bald headed.

What was she thinking? She’s rich, she lives in California, so why go sailing around the world alone? You take the cost of food, and the cost of that yacht she wrecked, you got a really nice BMW convertible. But she just had to go sailing around the world alone!

Was she thinking book deal? Segment on CBS Sunday Morning? Big whoop! Maybe movie, where Miley Cyrus plays her?

— Miley Cyrus has really big thighs, be sure to put that in—

I know hermana, it’s scary! It’s not enough she’s a Skank Cadet, but she has the thighs of thunder too. Maybe we shouldn’t make fun, it could be a disease. Like the Cyrus virus, ha ha ha.

But back to stupid adventure girl out there in the Indian Ocean, waiting for rescue fleet to come disqualify her for 2011 Darwin awards? Your Glossy News correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez, wanted to find out if other serious journalists are also annoyed that she isn’t a shark buffet right now.

We spoke with Geraldo Rivera, because that snob Jerry Springer wouldn’t return our calls. Geraldo said, “This has messed up my whole summer. I changed my vacation plans for this. We’ve already set aside programming slots to cover the search, candlelight vigils, and the memorial service. Now all that is ruined. I hope the little bitch is happy.”

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