CHOPPER KNOB, Texas (GlossyNews) — Joe and Loretta McClure, who have not laid a finger on one another in the last 20 years of marriage, are local heroes after assassinating a coral snake they spotted last Sunday afternoon.
The McClures were out for a Sunday drive on a dirt road in the country complaining loudly about everything in the universe, including the teenage store clerk they had just berated for not knowing the difference in price between Juicy Fruit Gum and Tic Tacs, when suddenly a flash of red and yellow was seen from Mr. McClure’s peripheral vision. It was an 18 inch coral snake sunning itself on the side of the road, well beyond the reach of a passing vehicle.
Mr. McClure skidded to a stop without regard to the sloshing capacity of Mrs. McClure’s Super Slurp she hung on to with both hands. “Did you see that?” shouted Mr. McClure. “Was that what I thought it was?” He slammed the SUV in reverse and sped backward past the bewildered reptile.
“It’s a CORAL SNAKE!” exclaimed Mr. McClure. “Look at those stripes-red and yeller kill a feller. Well, I’ll show you Mr. Coral Snake.” Then, as Mrs. McClure craned her fat neck with a look of smug satisfaction on her face, Mr. McClure ran over the middle of the venomous victim of their villainous vituperating before stopping a safe distance away.
The snake writhed and struggled as the hefty McClures plopped out of their 6000 pound leviathan and walked back toward their incapacitated prey. Mr. McClure’s right hand was wrapped around the grip of his 45 caliber no longer concealed weapon. Also on full display was Mrs. McClure’s secret weapon: A menacing look designed to intimidate and show as much disdain as possible for the target, just in case it stopped suffering for a second, and looked into her monstrous face.
With 6 shots from his 45, and each shot underscored with a slight flinch from Mrs. McClure, Mr. McClure decimated the tiny insignificant head of the 18 inch coral snake.
“Let’s bring it to the newspaper so everyone can see there are dangerous snakes out here in the countryside and some people are doing something to keep them under control,” instructed Mrs. McClure. “Good idea,” agreed Mr. McClure. They carefully placed what was left of their obliterated object of desire into a discarded ice bag and brought it into town, where the editor of the weekly newspaper just happened to be catching up on some work.
The local newspaper, always desperate for a scoop, gladly set up the photo shoot and wrote an exhaustive blow by blow account of their heroic struggle with the dangerous serpent.
The next Thursday, right there on the front page, above the fold, was the picture of the McClures, bubbling with enthusiasm, holding up the remains of the 18 inch limp noodle of a snake for the world to see, under the headline, “Relative of Cobra killed by Local Luminaries.”