Author: J. Goodbody
FEMA Releases Prep Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact
Not ready for a potential meteor impact that could destroy all life as we know it? Download FEMA’s preparation guide and feel better about attempting to protect your family.
Scientists Redefine Kilogram Using Mass of Local Chicago Man
After much debate, the International Bureau of Weights and Measures (IBWM) has finally agreed to peg the exalted kilogram to the consistently stable weight of Chicago area man Travis Phillips.
Guinness’ Curse? ‘World’s Oldest Person’ Keeps Dying
Holders of the Guinness Book of World Records title as the worlds oldest person are dying off at an alarming rate with no one olding the title for longer than 15 months before inexplicably losing their lives.
Pet Stores Donate Birds to Sop Up BP Oil Spill
New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) — The announcement that shipments of millions of small household pets would be soon arriving to the gulf region was met with cheers by cleanup crews who had all but exhausted local populations of coastal animals….
Misanthrope Mistaken for Misogynist
David Whittle was mistakenly labeled as merely a woman-hater. His fellow employees were relieved to find out that he is a complete asshole to pretty much everyone.
Airline Passengers Share Drop-Down Tray without Consulting Lawyers
The non-verbal, un-written agreement was established quickly to provide two airline passengers with shared-use of the center seat’s drop-down tray.
Ugandan Child Soldiers Call “No tags-back” After Attack
A Commander of the Lord’s Resistance Army Youth Corps expects a long period of calm due to “no tag-backs” announcement made after an attack on a convoy.
Video Forensic Guy Not a ‘Miracle Worker’
Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images. Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and…