UNDISCLOSED LOCATION in Northern Southern Wyoming (GlossyNews) — The wheels are already grinding under the Dick Cheney for Dictator campaign of 2012. The former President of Vice of the United States announced his candidacy at a meeting of Corporations For Keeping America Under Our Thumbs’ convention in New Orleans.
Cheney’s opening speech contained many gems that had the crowds standing and cheering such as “I will bring to bear the iron fist that America so badly needs”, “this is a nation of the corporations, by the corporations and for the corporations so help me God”, and the classic “ask not what your country can do for you, just do what we tell you to do and shut the hell up!”. Cheney, seen by the Republicans as a strong figure who might not get the vote but if he won would never let voting in America decide anything again, a stand favored secretly in the heart of hearts of many in the far right wing.
“Why should we worry about the little people when they have so little power anyway? Let the ones who own everything decide how things should be. Power is for the powerful!” stated the Great Dick in typical Cheneyesque fashion over a lavish meal of baby harp seal under glass, bald eagle Mignon and dolphin casserole, all specially prepared for the very particular palates of the attendees.
Cheney will launch his campaign as soon as enough donations flood in to support the cost of having his own personal Lear jet outfitted with guided missiles and incoming attack sensors, of having private, heavily policed landing strips built wherever he is going, and with having an armor plated stretch limo with blacked out windows and a machine gun turret in the roof constructed. His tour will be strictly through the red states as Mr Cheney believes that the ‘traitor’, or ‘Blue States’, as they are usually called, will fall in line as soon as “the right pressure is applied’, to quote Mr. C.
Donations have already begun pouring in, mostly from shifty eyed, silk suited lobbyists who look around before pressing an envelope into his eager hands, from anonymous sources with Grand Cayman bank accounts who always wear sunglasses and from mysterious black helicopters that make silent landings in the back yard of his estate after midnight.
Halliburton Corporation, his old crony and ally, has revealed the designs of a new White House that will be built specifically for Cheney, should he win. It will have such features as a mote with live piranha, a drawbridge, tinted windows for privacy, a satellite camera proof deflection system to prevent snooping, and, its own private torture chamber. Its actual location will remain a secret and will be referred to as his new ‘undisclosed location’.
For the whiny liberals who feel that Cheney’s ascension to the most powerful office on earth would be a world wide disaster, there is a ray of hope. It is speculated that with Cheney in office then it could very possibly be easier to shoot lawyers in the face and not face criminal charges, a definite plus even in a dictatorship.