Tag Archive | "racism"

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)


-Peter, great loyalty demands great sacrifice

As you found out last time, the entire Glossy News team has been arrested on fake charges for prostitution…

Although a certain informer called Mr TM (who shall remain anonymous, in order to have evade having the crap beaten out of him by his erstwhile peers, as some have framed it); yes, His Most Exalted Shit-Stirriness has traded security for liberty by making a sneaky plea bargain, in order to dump the other guys in it.

… Oh come on, don’t be so judgmental…. Well, someone has to keep this shit running, right?
I mean, it’s a purely disinterested and benevolent decision for the good of Our Greater Good™, the National Interest™ and Our Common Humanity™, (as Dick Cheney and John Kerry would say)…

In order to keep the website running. I mean, it’s not like I did it MERELY because I wanted to avoid getting passed round the shower by achingly rowdy and conspicuously benevolent chain-gang-running new-boy-protectors, right? Capisc’?

Sicilian gangster meme

But as I’m in the mood for spilling all, I’m going to tell you who ratted on us with their horrendous allegations which were not ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL and NOT WITHOUT A HINT OF EXAGGERATION; to say the least.

That’s right. I may not be gazing anxiously over my shoulder in a rather drippy and sweaty crowded “theatre” of thugs in Reno; but I’m gonna shout “Fire” anyway. I’m telling you the names of the haters who framed us, so any of you who care about it (I presume that means every single one of you, WITHOUT EXCEPTION), will know what to do. Put a brick through their windowpanes, piss on their patio, whatever. Once I tell you, it’s out of my hands.

-It’s not a vendetta if you don’t get caught

Here’s a clue: the leader of the East-North-East-Central-wherever-the-F***-Boston-Soccer-Mom’s-Liberation-Front was thoroughly unrepentant of the vindictive, vicious and thoroughly unprovoked actions of her and her comrades (male and female alike; no third genders, because this is actually a quite exclusive and bigoted organisation, as you will see).

“OH, GOD, would you just THINK of the children! The last thing in HELL godly white teenagers need is to be reading about PROSTITUTION, of all things, on the internet! I mean, there’s practically NOTHING worse they could be doing with their time… I LITERALLY just can’t imagine anything worse for them to be doing!

“Well, nothing worse at all, unless they’re… shall we say… a certain “class” or “breed” as it were, of kids; and then they are beyond help. But we wanna focus on the ones who can be saved already, and who can play the violin and the Swiss Pipes and recite Vladimir Tolstoy and Immanuel G.F. Nietzsche…

“You know, not the funny-haired,guitar-strumming little jerks living in the gutter, surrounded by filthy pimps and despicable crack addicts and dirty bl… um, I mean, dirty… blue… yeah, dirty blue substances you can inject in your ass or nostrils or pinkie-poos or whatever.

“So, they’re resentful that we maliciously fabricated fictive charges to have them arrested them for making shit up? Well, that’s the cost of lying and saying shit about people that just ain’t true! No reasonable and cultivated person with hundreds of cheapo “glaringly obvious” classical music compilations of the type designed more to impress neighbors than to actually get an authentic grip on the genre would EVER do that!

CONDESCENDING WONKA MEME ON PRETENTIOUS MUSIC FANS

“Anyway, the 1st Amendment does not constitute a right to be heard, so I’m pretty damn down with hanging the crap out of these bastards for inappropriate abuses of their communicative faculties; freedom only exists for those people who exercise it appropriately! Agency means nothing without education, guidance, and civility! You know, to hell with all this freedom of speech crap! I hope the next President shreds all this Constitution bullshit! I don’t care which party he/she/it comes from, they could be door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnesses, Ebola-ridden Chicano freeloaders… hell, they could even be black, at a push, if that’s what it takes to sort this crap out! But just THINK OF OUR KIDS!”

Junior then piped up:

“Mommy, did you just swear?”

“You little jerk! Just shut the FUCK up and stop questioning my authority! For THAT, you uncivil little bastard, when you go home, you have an extra 5 hours of piano practice as punishment! And no more raw-food veggie burgers! Tonight, it’s mainstream mass-market vegan tofu for you!”

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! Fun tiiiiimes! Mummy is nice; pweeeeese may Junior have some extra clarinet and period-trombone time too? What about that Mahler piece? AAAAAAND, Daddy promised to teach Junior differential equations too!”

Junior Senior then oh-so-genially chipped in:

“Why, you just SHUT the HELL up, you little moron! Mathematics is only good for buying you some success! Why… there’s just NO PUNISHING little jerks like you! I’m confiscating your acoustic sitar and your ivory marimba set until you learn some god-damn respect, you pathetic little weasel!”

-Roadpath to Truthiness

Still, there is one bit of good news. Dennis Rodman is a regular reader of our website; so we’ll soon see what can be done to single-handedly save the objective media from a fate worse than a Pelosi-Bush ticket (well, close enough)….

Then again, unfortunately, our readership also includes the Pro-Big-Government Big-Government Dems, as well as the Anti-Big-Government Big-Government Reps; so we’ll have to see.

I mean, negotiating with North Korea is one thing… but Team IntCom World Police Ambassador Rodman might have his work cut out with our conspicuously political haters and oppressors; they who just this once, might want to make some easy political “capital” on their only non-mainstream-media haters (make of that what you will).

Oh and by the way…

PSSST. You didn’t hear none of this shit from me. I would never turn on my fellow journalistic truth-tellers…

Well, not for something as petty as the threat of having to make friends with Jumbo behind the four crusty walls of a San Quentin maximum-security prison, anyways!…

Still, maybe all this truth-telling and scrupulous honesty is taking its toll. I need a career move. Inspired by Junior, I think a promising new career as a master sackbutist, cajonist, or Singing Ringing Tree-ist beckons. I guess I will be sorely missed by all you innumerable and conspicuously benevolent political celebrities, air-guitar humanitarians, and Kooky Klan Konfusionists.

Well, I guess those mainstream amateurs at the Onion will have to do their best to plug the gap…

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Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”


“…Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, has begun an effort to attract more African-American voters…”
– The New York Times – August 12, 2014

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Republican incumbents and potential candidates

FROM: Reince Priebus

Hey! Wassup? It’s time we get down with our black brothers and sisters if we ever hope to gain full power in Washington again. Read the full story

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David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments


Famously-allegedly-ish “non-racist™” White supremacist; oh sorry, how un-PC; I meant achingly conspicuous “racial realist™” David Duke has popped out (sorry, popped up) once again.

Yes, His Most Exalted Ideological Hipsterness has recently expressed what he calls his “utmost sincere contrition and regret” for a despicable comment he made in a TV interview.

Surprising, huh? Well, kein Scheisse!…

Fox TV viewers were horrified to hear The Most Hazardous Duke Of All™ speak of New York as “Jew York City.”

Well, I say horrified; others were overjoyed, such as the Hardcore-Leftie-Euroweenie/BDSM-Campaign-loving-overgrown/undergrown-student-activist/SJW-Fox-viewing-contingent.

Still, upon Bill O’Reilly roaring at him that choice of words was an extremely offensive right-wing microaggression and obviously racist, Duke appeared visibly shaken and almost at the point of tears.

Admittedly, this might have been more to do with getting a severe hard-left verbal pounding from Bill-O than with any sincere recognition of his own wrongdoing.

Still, the flamboyantly callous, former Exalted-Kexalted-Decepticon-Klepticon™ of the KKK has since “explained” and “apologized” in what reads (at least to his ubiquitous and irritatingly PC haters™, as the Man-from-the-Klan calls them) as a surprisingly flustered, rambling, and incoherent statement:

I am absolutely overcome with the sincerest and utmost remorse for my inexcusable and thoughtless words, and do so very humbly beg forgiveness from my fellow Americans who are Jewish, and who are also my beloved compatriots.

Yes, I am trained as a scholar, my name is DOCTOR David Duke™, remember the first of these three words, oh do ye remember them, my brethren!

Why a scholar? Huh? Yeah yeah yeah, well, this is really relevant, I mean you ought to know that all my writings are based on my mind making quick-fire connections between this and that…

Highly relevant, yeah, because I am afraid that when I made my somewhat insensitive or careless comments (albeit ones maliciously and deviously distorted by malign subaltern forces that I shall not name in this context), I inexcusably let my guard down; only because I had my sociologist hat on.

Yes, brothers and sisters: that is the connection I want your brain to make, don’t worry about plausibility or coherence, just make the connection. Yaa… ooga-booga-OOOOOOOOO-wap-pap-pop! KAK-KAK-KAK-KLEPZ-ZOOBA-KLAK, OI! Three times is charmed!…

Anyway, witchery aside, when I said the words maliciously and falsely attributed to me by the highly regulated, bureaucratically encumbered, and excessively-non-autonomous-and-subjectively-manipulated mainstream media™…

Well, I merely intended to make a purely objective, value-free, positivistic, demographic observation™. I mean, there’s a lot of Jewish people living in New York, right? That’s what I was trying to say, that’s all…

I mean, I actually love the Jews™! I’m no bigot, because I have the complete works of Bob Dylan™; all 580 discs! How many so-called “pro-Jewish Americans” can say that?

Oh and by the way, in case you were wondering, I just love Leonard Cohen. He’s made a simply astonishing contribution to our common cultural prosperity…

His melodies convey a poignant reminder that we are but dust, mere strangers passing through a desert land not our home; casting a tender sheen of ambiguity and long-forgotten memories over the fountainous bower of Our Common Humanity.

But Cohen himself retorts:

“Oh, sure! That old canard again about his music collection. So predictable! I mean, it will take more than a few dusty music LPs to prove that this man is not a bigot. He’s a symbol of hatred. And I bet you my very last Marianne that he can’t sing for shit.”

I concoct a transcript of Cohen’s side of the rap-off, and bring it to His Most Exalted Vanillaness. He appears unimpressed, as he glumly toys with his organic, low-fat frozen yoghurt…:

“Ok, well, maybe I don’t like that Cohen boy so much after all. Haters gonna hate. But Bob Dylan is still my favourite singer of all.”

Wowee!… Nothing like shifting the goalposts, huh Dave?

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