It fortunately went so miraculously well.

A girl held hostage for ten years breaks free of her bonds and manages to get to the door of her captors house.
She yells through the mail slot that she needs help and identifies herself.

A black neighbor hears her cries and helps her break out of the door. With his aid she escapes with her daughter from the house of the man who abused her. She tells him that there are two other women inside also held prisoner. Read the full story

We’ve all heard that phrase a good few dozen times. Some of us have even said it a time or two. But what does it mean? How do those potentially demeaned in our subsequent statements feel?

America is far from post-racial. The election of Obama has only polarized racial tensions even further. Our president receives far more death threats than any president before him… but why? His policies aren’t radical, or even that much different than his predecessor… so what could it possibly be about? Read the full story

How do liberals view Obama? How do conservatives view Obama? These as well as the views of Evangelicals, FOX News, Michele Bachmann and more are covered.

I didn’t cover the socialist or communist view of Obama, mostly because I lack the art skillz to do such things. I hit the biggest bases as hard as I could, and I think I’m sufficiently fair across the board.

Scroll down to see the cartoon. Read the full story

Closing out of the 2013 CPAC (Conservative People Acting Crazy) conference has left many on the right feeling less than exhilarated.

Their ideals, thoughts, and policies that no longer align with changes in society have once again left them opposed to the harsh realities of modern culture. Read the full story

An Exodus rocket launched three Israeli astronauts and 100 Palestinian refugees into orbit Wednesday, kicking off a ten-year mission to establish a permanent human colony on the surface of Mars.

The rocket roared into mostly clear skies from the Gaza Strip at 11:50 PM EET on February 20, 2013. Once in orbit, it will jettison a tiny capsule dubbed “Exodus I,” beginning a two-year journey to the Red Planet for the 100 Palestinians packed tightly inside. Then a larger capsule will return the three Israeli astronauts back to the safety of Earth. Read the full story

In a stunning about face on public sector financed job programs, the minority leader of the senate, Republican Mitch McConnell, offered a new program that he believes can be started following the eviction of the Obama family in January 2013.

The program is designed to put more private sector contractors to work within the Washington, DC area and to also help local small retailers prosper. Because he will list this program as an “emergency measure”, equal opportunity rules can also be suspended allowing RNC donors their first chance at a federal project. Read the full story

BLACKSBURG, VA – A newly released study reveals potentially upsetting news for millions of white Americans. According to the longitudinal study, the conclusions are shocking: Black Americans are getting happier – much happier.

The study by the University of Pennsylvania, tracking the “happiness gap” between black and white Americans since the 1970s, reports that the gap has dramatically narrowed in recent years to the narrowest margin since the study’s beginnings. Fortunately for white Americans, they are, on average, still happier than their black counterparts – but not by much anymore. Read the full story

Sweden’s Director of Pre-school Schools announced this week a revolutionary new program for Americans to laugh at. Dr. Sven Frrrdegard spoke to reporters at Stockholm’s Ministry for Education.

“As the world’s only industrialized nation not headed for bankruptcy, we Swedes are keenly aware of our leadership responsibilities. We will not shirk our duty when it falls upon us to address humanity’s most pressing problem; gender stereotyping.” Read the full story

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans debated in New Hampshire.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, even with 3 beer breaks. So here’s a shorter distillation of what each person said relative to questions that were asked, even Tweeted, by a number of mostly anonymous people, John King included. Read the full story

CINCINNATI, Ohio (Glossy News) — Flush with recent success, the loosely organized AstroTurf Tea Party movement already faces a threat to its new-found power from an unexpected source. While some political analysts call the group a predictable splintering, others term it an insurgency from within. One thing is certain — the “We’re Blue 2″ Party is well organized and highly focused in its agenda. Read the full story

NOGALES, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The Tea Party, which claims it is less racist than a blind beggar, held a rally on the Mexico-Arizona border today to demand the US Government, which they claim spends too much money, spend millions more dollars to patrol the border and keep out illegal immigrants.

The rally was held at a private ranch near a gigantic wall the US Government already built to keep out Mexicans. Apparently the wall is not enough, because the Tea Partiers taped American flags all over it to really scare the bejesus out of anybody with brown skin getting near it. In another flourish of non-racism, the Tea Partiers taped hand-written messages to the TWENTY FOOT TALL WALL ALREADY BUILT TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS with ideas on how to stop immigration. Some of the messages were poignant, such as “the mesicns r returded” while others were to the point, such as “nuke Mexico.“ Read the full story

Why the USA will probably never legalize drugs. (Drug Consumer played by USA; Drug Lord played by Mexico)

USA: I want to stop! Go Away!

MEXICO: No you don’t! You love it! Let me in!

USA: OK, but just for a minute. You are so bad!

MEXICO: No, you are so bad! Read the full story

TEXARKANA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Melvin, or Mel, Gibson, a 75-year-old redneck from Rockdale, Texas, stood on the corner of Cameron Ave and Main this morning. He was dressed in the requisite T-shirt and stained khaki work pants and holding a battered and half nude 72-year-old Dorinda, his wife of 50 years, by the hair while he screamed racist comments at the top of his lungs.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy drove by, slowing down for a group of vultures eating a dead something-or-other in the middle of the road, Mel hollered that a pack of wild niggers was going to attack Dorinda for wearing a pink bra. Then he screamed and yelled about how the Jews were taking over the world, followed by something or other about Mexicans, loose women, the Gov’ment then Homos. Read the full story

Anytown, USA (GlossyNews) — Kirk Hassenbaum was always a shining example of bleeding heart liberalism. He went to a Liberal Arts college, traveled Europe with the backpack and Birkenstocks crowd, read poetry in coffee houses in San Francisco, rode a Greenpeace boat to a whale slaughter and even had a gay best friend for a while. But after he got a job working for a major corporation and invested in a sweet house in the trendiest part of the city, his bleeding heart started to heal, Read the full story

CHICAGO, IL (GlossyNews) — It’s a mistake we all make every now and then –the vicious berating of a female co-worker, the  insensitive demeaning of your child’s fourth-grade teacher, or the vile expletives directed at a random woman in a Safeway parking lot– all might very well be taken personally.

For David Whittle, this unfortunate misunderstanding almost got him into hot water at work. 

Having upset three female co-workers by scoffing at their contributions in Tuesday’s budget meeting, Read the full story

A white janitor working in the Alabama State Home for the Mentally Infirm is furious about the new law approved by Congress to give all Americans access to health care.

“We dun had enough of this danged cooned-ass President trying to take away all our freedoms and now he’s a tryin’ to give us helf care. And den I guess it’s gonna be our guns after dat!” claimed Billy Marshall, whose worked at the home as a trustee after being released from life long custody in 1984. “We’re all pissed off and as soon as I get a ride up to Birming’am I’m a gonna make em wicht they ain’t never messed with us white folks down here in Ayabama.” Read the full story