O’Rourke Discovers Racism Exists

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ASHUA, NH – Per an anonymous source, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke appeared “smug and contented” after the release of his op-ed revealing the fact that his ancestors were slaveholders. In the op-ed, O’Rourke revealed his discovery that “stark differences in opportunities and outcomes [exist] depending on race.” “I mean, I think we’ve really broke some revolutionary ground here,” O’Rourke was reported to have said, wiping the sweat from his brow. “This discovery, that racism still exists today? One that only I, with my unique background so closely associated with the history of black people in the United States, could have exposed? I think this is really going to give us a major edge [against other Democratic candidates for president, including U.S. Senators Kamala Harris and Cory Booker]. Wait until I tell them that – wait for it – racism is also bad! Just wait until Julián Castro gets a load of this at the next debate.” Reports state that O’Rourke intends to follow his remarkable revelation with a series of op-eds detailing his other new discoveries, including how the fact that he had women in his family tree made him a “feminist hero”.

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Author: Jenna Yuan